Diary of a Mandu

일기 #36

2nd June 2016

Dear diary,

It's a Monday again and I have no idea what has happened between Jun and I. The people have heard about the rumour about Jun liking me and even created a ship name for usㅡBaekJun. I laugh every time they tease me about him since it's entertaining, but overall, I find it cringe worthy.

Although, I'm really not sure what has become of us. He didn't text me like usual and I haven't received a text since two days ago. That meant he completely didn't text me yesterday.

Sua is advising me to apologize to him but what am I really apologizing for? I was being truthful. It was his fault he came into my life this way. He shouldn't have waltz in and acted like I was already his. Even Sua agreed with me on that. He took things way too fast, completely skipping that "being friends" stage. And, what, he's hurt? See what I mean by when I said I had a bad feeling about him?

I barely managed to make it out of that depression I got myself into. Now... now Jun comes back and throws me back into that dark hole? Please, no thanks. But too late, he has already thrown me back into there.

Sua told me he doesn't blame me but apparently he wanted me to know he's hurt both emotionally and physically (because he fell down that time when he was in Lotte World). It's mean to laugh but...

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I wished that I had a video of that or actually saw it with my own eyes. Sadly, it's too late. Oh well.

Anyway, as I was saying, I'm not sure what I should do about Jun. Should I leave it be? Should I try to do something about this situation and mend things together? I'm really not sure. For some reason, there's this one song that suits this entire situation. The song? If You Do by GOT7.

It's up to you if you want to break up,
I don't care,
Just do whatever you want,
It doesn't matter to me,
I'll just go to sleep.

At least, on Jun's case, it seems like that song would fit him. For me, I think it would have to be You Think by Girls' Generation because Jun thinks he might get pity or sympathy from all of this. Like I said, I don't know him that well so I can make wrong judges and won't even know which is real or fake. To me, Jun is a closed book in an exposed place.

For now, I really just want to leave it be. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Sua tells me to apologize but I'm honestly just really afraid to make the first move. I hurt him without really knowing it, and he's doing this. I'm a person who's hesitant and usually when I hesitate too much, I end up not doing it. I'm more of a passive person. I don't make the first move. So if I were ever in a relationship (which I don't think will be easily achieved since I'm a really hard to get girl and I'm really uncomfortable when I'm in a relationship. I'm just a really complicated girl and I actually believed I was simple), I would need someone who was decisive and knew how to properly lead our relationship.

I once asked my friends from Chundak this question: would you date someone who's similar to you?

Some answered saying it would be really awkward and I was the only one who was willing to date someone who was similar to me because I thought it was cute. I knew a little bit of Jun and I knew and found out that he was slightly similar to me.

At first, I was really fine if I were to date someone similar to me. Coming to this point, I realized how much I would have gone through because neither of us wanted to do something first. I'm not apologizing, he's just there sulking. What are we even supposed to be?

See, this is why first impressions are very important. Especially when you start with a stranger you like. If you just go at them like this, it's going to be really hard once something painful happens.

Jun, you idiot. What exactly do you want me to do? I need a sign from you. Sua says it's probably over for the both of us, even if there was nothing there in the first place. I don't know why I don't feel a thing about knowing that things for us will end. Maybe it's because I barely got to know him. Plus, before he entered my life, everything was happier and much more peaceful. Now I wish to go back in time. I wish I had blocked him then. I wish he never broke up with his girlfriend and paid attention to me. I wish I continued knowing him as Jun, someone from the next class. It would have been better then...

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)