Diary of a Mandu

일기 #40

6 June 2016

Dear diary,

I don't think Jun's the same anymore. He's acting slightly different. Or maybe this is how he always was. It's just that because he liked me, he acted slightly differently. Like I said, I didn't know him well enough to really know how he was.

I remember when he used to say a lot of cheesy words and pickup lines which I wasn't used to. Now, when I chat with him, there's barely anything going on. It's like he switched 360°. He's more boring than before, the chat dies a lot quicker than before and... I don't know, Sua is saying that he has already moved on and I want to believe that but hearing the fact that he's not the type to give up easily, it holds me back. It's giving me this weird feeling... I don't know, there's this indescribable feeling I have knowing that.

I feel like I might go back into a mini depression (luckily, my depression isn't the type where I think about self harm, suicide and isolate myself from people) because of this. I can't find the reason to why I'm feeling like this. Isn't it crazy?

Oh, so some people are teasing me with Jun, as usual. I noticed he passed by my class a lot and even that one time after school when he and Mingyu passed by our class door, Mingyu stopped in his tracks, looked at me, grinned and pointed at Jun, which made me turn away and giggle. Some people even asked me if I liked Jun, which I answered with, "What?" It was clearly none of their business, but I really don't hate the entire situation. It's honestly really funny and entertaining. But Jun, being the stubborn A-hole he is, would always try to clear things out and tell everybody we're just friends. I don't know why, but hearing that makes me feel really sad. Maybe it's because of the fact he entered my life, liking me, but only left in the end. I would tell him this if he really had left for real that Saturday night: why enter my life if all you were going to do was leave it? He left a scar, a mark, on me that time. I was a simple girl, really. I didn't need any of these things happening.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. I see this relationship as a complete down. Or maybe I'm just saying that because of that scar he left on me. Situation Pineapple always flips around. One time, I see everything and feel like everything is good and well and then the next thing I know it, everything's bad and horrible. It's weird.

I remember my life before Jun entered it. It was more peaceful, indeed. But I don't mind him entering my life, either. Oh, remember in my last diary entry when I said I interacted with him? I just remembered what happened yesterday, too. I forgot to write it in my other entry.

So it was during Geography subject when we were all in class with no sign of teacher. I switched my seats to sit next to my friend and was having fun. I had my back against the wall and was looking outside the window, which actually showed the big hallway of the school. Without knowing it, Jun passed by our class and my other friend (the one I switched seats with) saw him too and shouted to me, "Oh! Oh! Dohui! Jun! Jun!"

I laughed it and groaned loudly. I saw him pass by and when I least expected it, he threw me hearts from outside the window. It had such a big impact that it made Ayeon (the girl I changed my seats with) scream, "Ooooo! That was so cute!"

That made Jennie turn around and face her, asking her, "What?"

"Didn't you see that? It was so cute!" Ayeon asked her.

"Stop! Aish!" I said while laughing.

"Jun was walking pass by our class a moment ago and then he stopped and shot a heart to Dohui! It was a so cute! How did you miss it?" Ayeon asked Jennie, giggling in her seat.

"Yah! I told you to stop!" I said, laughing so hard my stomach could explode. At the same time, I continued to groan at her.

Jennie looked at me and squinted her eyes, as if saying she didn't really trust the dude. "He looks like an A-hole, you know that?"

"I know," I answered. "But he's not. He's actually really nice. Looks can be deceiving, you know? He may look like one, but he's not. Take me for an example. I look like I can be really nice but at times, I'm really not. In fact, I think I'm only nice to people I don't really know."

Jennie looked like she was going to protest to that, but after thinking about it again, she actually agreed. "Fine. But I still don't trust him."

"He's nice," I told her with a smile.

"To you."

I laughed again, nodding in agreement. "To me, yes."

I feel like I might be falling for him, but isn't it a little too late? He could already be over me, for all I knew. I wasn't sure. I think it's just a side effect. I'm hoping it'll wear off soon.  

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)