Diary of a Mandu

murky waters

14 June 2016

Dear diary,

We texted today but it didn't feel the same. I took the risk, I mustered up my courage to text him first but it's as if he wasn't even trying. I always thought he would be different. Someone different from the rest I have encountered. But he, who I thought was different, ending up being just the same as everyone else.

The person I first texted with and the person I texted with a moment ago were two different people. I ended up falling for the first one, and it actually seemed to me that the one I just texted with is the person he actually is. Why did I even bother? Now I realize how much of a fool I wasㅡam. But why is it that whenever I say things like these, I never get over him? It's as if one glance at his face is powerful enough to make me forget all my principles and goals in the first place.

I always thought he wasn't as handsome as everyone says. The more the days go past by with Pineapple lingering at the back of my head, the more I found him more attractive and the more he becomes crush material but then I get brought down because of this cruel world that doesn't want us together. Or is that my fault? I was the one who didn't like him first. But wasn't that how everyone is before? We don't like someone immediately. We take time and appreciate them, let them stay until they mean something in our life and eventually you'll realize their worth and give them a place in your life. He wanted it too fast and, at first, I hated him for that. Not hate, more of disliked but overtime I realized that I don't mind anymore. If only Jun had waited a little more. If only I developed my feelings faster. We were opposites, if I had to be honest. But sometimes we could even be similar.

Through this, I realized something else. I realized how great I was in unrequited love. All my past crushes, it took me time to completely get over them. He's going to be one of them, I know it. Because, unlike Hansol, there's nothing hate worthy about him. His personality was fine, he's handsome and actually a decent human being. So I'm being held back once again because for once, after the failure with Hansol, Jun could actually be a good crush material. But I had to be the one to ruin and destroy that chance, huh? I was mean to myself and I don't even realize that at times.

What am I going to do now? Jun is stubborn. I want to confess to him but I don't know him that well. What's the possibilities of us ending up together? 0.1% chance he'd even like me. But even though it's a small percentage, why do I believe in it so much? Miracles can't happen, I know that, but why do I still believe in them?

The more I re-read what I have written, the more I start to sound like some fool lost in a drunk love. What on earth, Baek Dohui? What's going on? Why are you like this these days? Jun. Jun has emotionally damaged me. He has changed the way I see things in my everyday life. And not in a good way.

Should I try again? I think I should. The fight, the battle, it's not over until one of us gives all our effort. His fight is over, most likely. Mine isn't. It's time I finally try. I might be hesitant but I can't move on until I try my very best. He doesn't like me anymore, I know that now thanks to Nayeon but why do I believe this stupid scenario in my head? The scenario where he knows he's not close enough to Nayeon so he doesn't tell her the truth. That he actually still likes me. Or am I being delusional again? I want to know the truth. I want to ask him to hear it myself but I don't want to be embarrassed. I want to at least save my face. Aish, I don't know anymore. I just need mandus and dramas so I can calm down. Yeah, that's what I need. Bye, diary. I'm going to get some mandus.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)