Diary of a Mandu

rain

12 June 2016

Dear diary,

For some reason, BTS's Save Me describes how I feel. Not entirely, but some of the lyrics are exactly how I feel. I can't exactly say these lyrics to Jun so I'll just write them down here in my diary.

I need your love before I fall... fall...

I'm already falling. I don't know if I still want his love. He's most likely over me. He's staying away. I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Like I'm alone on a boat out by the foggy sea with no one to call out to. I want to confess but I'm afraid. If I confess, will everything be better? Or will I end up getting hurt even more?

There's a reason why I put up a wall when it comes to falling in love. When I was a little girl, at the age of eleven, I liked quite a few numbers of guys. They weren't a lot, but knowing that people don't fall in love easily these days or that quickly or even long enough to last a week, it's considered as quite a lot. Most of it, I was rejected. I was left in the dark like an idiot hoping for all the miracles to come to me and grant me a happy ending. And at that time, I was vulnerable. I didn't get over them really quickly. It was always like that for me.

People often move on really quickly, or at their own reasonable pace. I usually move on really quickly, actually. What's stopping me from moving on completely? Well, there's always this part of me that holds back, in case a miracle happens and they like me back. That never happened, though. I should learn from stupid mistakes but I ended up repeating my mistakes.

That's why, even if I want to get over Jun right now, I can't. I'm still holding back. Waiting for a miracle to happen. I can be simple yet complicated. I realized that, through Pineapple. When have I become someone like that?

Or maybe I'm just like this to him. Because in this school, there are barely decent likeable guys. Then there was Jun and for some reason... he became a crush material. He had potential. And what did I do about that? I wasted my chance. I threw it away. And I was late to realize what I have done wrong. I want to take everything back. I want to redo this. I want to make it right but it seems like it's too late.

That's what everyone must be saying, huh? It's too late. I know that. It's too late. I regret it. It's too late. I want to take everything back. It's too late. I want to go back in time and rethink my choices. It's too late. I want to try again. It's too late. It's too late. It's too late!

I know!

I just sighed. I feel like my eyes are shaking with water in them. Are they tears? No. I'll just tell myself it's really hot so my eyes are sweating. They're not tears. It's just because it's hot. They're just sweat.

I'm tired. I just want to stay in bed and forget about everything, even if I know I can't. What has been done cannot be forgotten, especially if you see him everyday in school. Every time he passes by, you don't see him as a stranger anymore, but instead, someone who caused you a ruckus emotionally. I can't ever think of him as just a stranger anymore. I don't know what I should do. It's not like I can forget everything, either. It's not that easy.

I want to trust and believe that all of these heavy feelings will melt away eventually the same way that lonely feeling of mine when it came to my Chundak friends did. Although, I think this will be a harder case since I see Jun almost everyday in school. I have business classes with him, he comes to my class for P.E, I go to his class for my elective class. I basically encounter him almost everyday.

This won't do. How am I supposed to survive? I don't have a choice. I have to slowly get over everything. Forget about him. Forget about these feelings. Yeah, let's do that.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)