Diary of a Mandu

일기 #42

9 June 2016

Dear diary,

It's been two days since I decided but I didn't do anything about it. I hesitated over and over. I'm really not sure what to do anymore. That's why my friend Nayeon has taken drastic measures to help me. Yes, Nayeon might be schooling in Chundak and obviously doesn't know Jun at all but she said she wanted to help me, so she's playing cupid and insisted I give her his number. Which was what I just did, a few minutes ago. Yes, I'm multitasking by writing into my diary and also chatting with her. Here was what the problem was (since drastic measures have been taken):

1. I lowkey like Jun

2. We don't talk like we used to

3. I don't know whether or not he has given up on me

4. I'm not doing anything to show signs that I like him now

5. I want to do something but I keep hesitating that I end up not doing it

To me, it seems complicated and frustrating but really, it's mostly because of me. Or him. I wasn't sure, but I really think the both of us are at fault. Whatever, back to what I was saying.

So Nayeon had texted him, I don't know what she texted him but we're basically waiting for his reply. Did I mention how long it takes for him to reply? We've been waiting for nearly thirty minutes now and he's still not online. I sometimes go and check if he's online and when I do, I was able to re-read the conversation we had before, even if it was for a moment. Even in that short moment, I was able to feel the pain. The horrible sad feeling, reminding me of what had happened before and what is happening now. I just wished as much that it would be resolved.

Nayeon and I are chatting now and it's requiring a lot of my attention so I'll come back and tell you what happened, diary. See you.

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So it's currently 9:27 p.m.. I should be sleeping but I wanted to write this entry today.

Nayeon and him texted (he replies so late, I can't with him) and they talked about things Nayeon won't tell me (well isn't she a nice friend?) but basically, Nayeon first asked him if he knew me, because I went to the same school as him. You know what he replied?

Jun: yeah, I guess so

YOU GUESS SO?! I THOUGHT WE'RE FRIENDS NOW ISTG JUN.

Moving on, so Nayeon used the excuse that went something like this when Jun asked how she knew him:

Nayeon: oh, you know, dohui goes to that sch and she sometimes tells me about the ppl there and well she told me abt u

I can't remember what else happened but basically, they slowly chatted more (I was lowkey jealous that they were chatting oops) and what the both of us were trying to get out of him were: 

"Do you still like Mandu?"

"Do you like anyone right now?"

"Why don't you text her these days?"

So they chatted and chatted and finally dropped the big question. In fact, Nayeon dropped the questions backwards, which meant, the order of the questions I have written backwards. His answer?

Jun: because I'm shy

Jun: nothing to talk abt these days

Shy? Shy? Are you serious? Since when were you shy, Jun? I basically see you hang out with your girl friends every day. What bull are you speaking of?

Continuing with my topic, so Nayeon dropped the second question and his answer was yes, but I forced myself not to be happy because, remember, he might have moved on and already found someone else. But I wish he didn't. It was a normal response, obviously.

Here comes the main question. The big question that made me held my breath when Nayeon finally asked him. Do you still like Dohui?

I was anticipating Jun's unsure, but I really couldn't tell what his answer would be at this very moment. It was honestly a fifty fifty chance. Either he still did or he didn't. Yes or no. It could fall at any side, really.

So he finally replied. You know what his reply was?

Jun: that's confidential

Woah, he knew that word. He actually used a word like that. So obviously, I couldn't tell whether or not he still liked me or not. I was happy because my mind actually believed that he still liked me, but at the same time, I wasn't sure if he did because, if he did, he would be acting the same way as he used to be from before.

Nayeon did a good work on helping me this far. Oh, and we texted again, after... I don't know how long since we've texted, but it was definitely a long time. At least, it felt like it's been a long time. Also, our chat ended really quickly, since he was still the same with his short-ish replies and everything.

Jun is an idiot because he keeps apologizing and I hate him for that. What's he apologizing for? Nothing. He knows I have already forgiven him ages ago. What's with the useless sorry's?

Sometimes I would imagine all those times when I knew Jun as a stranger and only a stranger. Those were the times. The easier life with less complications.

Sua told me before that this was a sign that we weren't meant to be together. I knew that, obviously. Not everyone was meant to be together, but that didn't mean they couldn't be together. We could be together, if only we were more open to each other. If only we weren't so alike in ways. He was too shy to text first, and so was I. He was complicated, and I was too.

I'm too sleepy right now. I don't know what I'm really saying. I should just end this entry now. Bye, diary. See you tomorrow... or soon. I'm honestly excited to go to school (for once in this year) because I'll be able to see him. I guess the lowkey is growing, huh? Okay, bye for real. I need sleep.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)