A diary of a girl whose nickname is Mandu. Indulge into her world as she tries to live it the way she wants it. Though we all know life has their own plans on how you'll live your life. And it's not every time it'll come in a pretty package.
· A...
I'm going to be honest. Even if I think about him less these days, I still count the weeks since we've texted. I won't say how long it has been or you'll think I'm still hung up on him. Waiting for him, for a miracle to happen. I won't. I promise. No, I shouldn't make a promise. In case I might break it. It's not that I know I might break it. It's just that humans have a tendency to do things they shouldn't. The human mind is that powerful that some of the times, it's out of our control. That's why we can't control our emotions when it comes to something as powerful as love. So don't question it. Just do whatever you can, gain whatever you can and make sure you don't regret anything in the end. I know I did. But I shouldn't. I'm moving on, I should learn and know that. Get it over with. Done and over.
School has been the same with all the days going by slowly everyday. Or maybe it's because the lessons are boring so it feels as if time's going by slowly.
I have actually gained a bad habit. A bad habit of talking or bringing up Pineapple. I tried finding the reason to why I do. Maybe it's out of regret? Guilt? Being wistful?
Then it actually hit me. I'm not sure whether or not it's the real reason (I mean, when was I ever sure?) to why I bring back Pineapple in a few conversations with Jennie, Baekhee and Sua but I think it's because my mind believes that what happened between Jun and I is left as unfinished business. That's why I talk about it. To make it seem as if I could turn back time and make things better. But as time slowly passes, I snap back to reality. I accept the fact we'll never be as we were before anymore. Okay, I didn't accept it entirely but I'm getting there.
Most of the times (yes, most of the time), I actually go back to the good memories. To when everything was fine between us. But I do that a lot less because it feels as if those memories don't exist. They feel ambiguous, they feel distant. It's as if they were only part of my figment of imagination.
I hate myself sometimes. Whenever I see Jun from the corner of my eyes in business class, I always mistake him glancing at me. I don't think that's true. At least... I hope not? But part of me wishes he was glancing at me. I'm not sure and it's not like I could ask him. I want to at least save my face and I don't want to end up looking stupid. Imagine if some guy you aren't always okay with suddenly texts you this:
Hey, were you glancing at me just now?
And you weren't even glancing at him. It'd be embarrassing for both parties. So it would be better if I didn't ask, even if I was really curious.
I should really stop. But I never listen to myself, do I? I should stop, though. This might go on forever. It'd be like me walking around in circles.
Love, Mandu (Baek Dohui)
~Author's Notes~
Nine more chapters before this book ends! Gasps!
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