Diary of a Mandu

일기 #37

3rd June 2016

Dear diary,

I feel like apologizing. The entire time in school, I talked about it with Sua. I asked her what my choices were and what would the outcome of each of them be. But I keep hesitating. I want to apologize. But I feel afraid. Sua feels frustrated about me being like this and she even said she would take my phone and text him for me, but too bad. We weren't allowed to bring phones to school.

Every time I see Jun's face (since we would often pass by each other since our classes were right next to each other's so it was really inevitable), I would feel guilty. Outside, I look tough and act like I really don't bother about what has happened between us and I really don't. But the more this situation goes on, the more I feel somethingㅡguilt.

I ended up hurting someone who was just innocently liking me.

It wasn't like I expected to do it. I didn't mean to. You know what? He even asked Sua that day when they went to Lotte World if I liked him back. Did he really think it was possible for me to like him back at such a short period of time? I bet the other girls were like that but I hope he realized that I was different. I wasn't easy. If I was, I would have been some type of play girl. But I'm not, thank goodness.

Sua told him that he was being too fast and even told him that I was a girl who'd fall in love with someone after getting to know them. Did he listen to that? No. Instead, he asked her again if I liked him back.

He doesn't blame me, Sua repeatedly told me that. But you know what? I feel like blaming him. Why's he hurt? Why'd he get himself hurt? It honestly feels like he brought everything upon himself. I could really care less, since, after all, I barely know him. Sua keeps telling me he's nice and really sensitive but he should also know that I'm really fragile and that I could get hurt easily. Does he really think he's the only one getting affected?

I'm getting hurt too, okay? Geez. This won't do. I'm going to try to resolve this, seeing that Jun won't do anything about it. I'm going to text Sua first before apologizing to Jun. Wish me luck, diary. I think I'll need it. 

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It's currently 10:12 p.m. right now and things happened again. You see, I texted Sua at around 7 p.m., telling her I was going to apologize but asking her what I should say because I'm not supposed to know that he read Sua's chat with me, I was just supposed to know that he's hurt so I wasn't sure what I was apologizing for.

First, Sua asked me to ask if he was okay, so it kinda went something like this with Jun and I:

Dohui: hey jun

Dohui: you okay?

Jun: yeah why?

He replied really late and it kinda pissed me off because I had to wait for his reply, which took F-O-R-E-V-E-R. If I texted him at around 7:15 p.m., he replied at 7:27 p.m.. What's he doing most of the time then? Hmm?

Anyway, continuing with our chat. Oh! By the way, once Jun replied, I freaked out and asked Sua what I was supposed to reply. She made me reply this:

Dohui: you don't look fine in school tho. You sure you're okay?

Jun: oh, it's fine

Jun: I'm okay

Jun: hahahha

Jun: sorry tho

Dohui: for what?

Jun: I feel like I've been bothering you