Diary of a Mandu

일기 #25

07 May 2016

Dear diary,

I'm still sad, I still feel like crying but 24 hours can do a big thing. One hour is already long, 24 hours is longer, a day is even longer and the list continues. In books and movies, it doesn't feel that big and that big changes and impacts aren't made but when experienced in real life, it's a whole new thing.

It's only been two days, but I'm afraid. I'm really afraid of losing him. What if I did? What would happen then? Six years is a long time of staying friends and to throw that away...

Someone once told me that if you had a chance to lose your friend, you're the most unlucky person ever. I don't want to be that unlucky person. But we're both being idiots. We're both avoiding each other, believing it's for the best but it's not what we're supposed to do. It's what we're scripted to do. We should be resolving what's wrong. Trying to end this pause. If I somehow end up losing Sungcheol, I'll never be the same.

I want someone to hold me at times like these, but I didn't want anyone to see me cry and be sad. Everyone knows me as a ray of sunshineㅡsomeone who is never sad. That's a lie I've shown everyone. I've lied to them. I do get sad, even over the littlest thing. But I've never talked to people about them. I write them down in this little book. Some day, I wish I'd be able to burn down this book so the problems also get burned down. I hate feeling this way. I'm afraid with every phenomenon I'll face, I'll eventually get traumatized. I'm not even sure if I'll ever be the same. I might even hate socializing, talking to friends and eventually be like those people I hate seeing. The ones who are depressed and hate life. I'm afraid of being like that, but with everything, I feel like I might be like them.

Yah, Baek Dohui, you can fight through this. Please don't forget who you are. Don't lose hope of the light just because you've fallen into the darkness. Don't let them see the sadness in your eyes or you'll get questioned. You know you don't want that. You don't like that. So as much as I hate saying this, put on that mask. I'm not saying you should use it forever. I'm just saying that you should stay hidden until the real you comes back out.

And whatever happens in the future, just know that you're strong. You can't handle things like this very well at the time itself, but I know you're strong. You recover quickly. You give yourself encouragement. You're your own warrior and soldier and you win battles in your head when everyone drops down, defeated. Just remember that.

Love,
Mandu
(Baek Dohui)

~Author's Notes~

If you're ever going through something hard, just remember, it won't take forever. It feels like it's taking forever, you can't handle or take it no more, but trust me when I say, once you're out of that black sad hole, everything that has happened felt like nothing.

I've been through it, I thought I'd never but I actually repeatedly entered that dark hole but I pull myself out. If no one's going to do it for you, be independent and pull yourself out.

Be happy, stay happy 💖

[That was written a long time ago, I don't even remember when. But basically some time in September hahaha :)]

I have another SEVENTEEN fanfiction I want to publish soon. I hope you guys will find time to check it out and even read it :) 

xoxo

Byun Sang Kyung