Why She Stayed (xxxtentacion)

X.09

His dark eyes made little reflected stars. He  was looking at me as I listened to the song play over the headphones. I was silent as I heard the rest of the song. We both were quiet unsure of when to speak or what to say. I was speechless and left in shock, X was a poet. His music, his voice, it captivated me and held me whole. 

He was like an ocean so deep, wide, and vast capable of so much but so little was known. A mystery in itself. I held his eyes momentarily, feeling the pang in my chest resurface. A habit I picked up when listening to his music. 

I wondered what scars he had, why the pain in his voice reflected that of his heart. The song reached the end finally but I sat there motionless, looking at him. He watched me back a curious look in his eyes. 

"X." I heard myself say. "Do you still want to die?"

The space between us feels cold. 

A sad expression looms over his face while he momentarily looks away from me. His eyes land on a poster of one of my favorite films. "I never stopped." His voice wanes and I felt my heart clutch. 

The words I felt I should say suddenly get caught in my throat and instead I sit there motionless, starring at him. I've always known how much sadness the words in his music carried. I could feel it in his voice, and now I see it written all over his face. 

He turns to look at me now. A small smile on his lips, he was feigning ignorance. "It doesn't matter." He shrugs. "That shit doesn't matter." 

I shook my head. "I care." I say with as my courage as I can muster. "I want you to be happy. I rather you want to live forever than die young." 

His eyes held me in a trance as they starred deep into my own. I could feel them searching, he was looking for something desperately in my eyes, maybe some sort of hint of a lie, that I didn't mean what I said. But I watched him back with as much courage I could muster. Holding myself in place, I wanted him to believe that no matter how hard he searched he wouldn't find anything disappointing. 

"No one is kind without wanting something in return. I don't believe in shit like that anymore." His voice was full of truth, it was as if he believed it with every inch of his body. 

I shook my head. "You've just met the wrong people." I confess. "Not everyone needs to take something, there are those who give." 

"I must be the dumb-ass that gives." He snaps while he reached for his headphones that were still on my head. 

"Then take." I said simply.  He paused watching me as he slowly pulled the headphones from my ears. 

X set the earphones back onto his lap shaking his head, a small smile reaching his lips. "Flor you really are too innocent." 

I raise a brow in confusion. He doesn't elaborate but instead he scoots over to the front of my bed pressing his back against while pulling a blanket over him. I scoot over next to him and take some of the blanket for myself. "Do you like Naruto?" He asked. 

I smile. "You watch Naruto?" 

He seems offended by my comment and gives me a dirty look. "If your gonna be my number 1 you need to learn about what I love." 

I laugh. "I wont stalk you." I comment. 

He searches the internet for whatever episode it is he's on and while his fingers dab on the screen that's when I notice the black finger nail polish. It was actually better than the sorry excuse of nail art I had. I was about to comment on that when X gets all excited that he found the episode and presses play. 

"Hey X." I tell him as we stare into the screen on his phone. He looks up at me while I stare down on his phone. "The song was beautiful." 

He watches me a bit longer while I continue looking at his phone. It takes him a while but he finally turns back and looks into the screen. We watch a few episodes together but his phone dies so we end up using my laptop instead. "Anime and chill is my shit." He says with a yawn and rubs his eyes. 

I smirk while I continue looking at the screen. Halfway through the episode I felt him shuffle beside me and without warning he rests his head on my lap. 

I let out a gasp. "Shh." He tells me. 

I grow quiet my hands were held up mid air but I gather enough courage to place one hand over his head. I swallow and brush my hand over his dreads, they were soft. I felt a smile grow on my face as I continued to run my hands through his hair. 

The whole time I'm doing so though I don't notice X looking at me through the reflection of my mirror. I was too caught up in the moment to realize he'd been watching me the whole time. 

Later that night I fall asleep too. And for the very first time in my life I can actually say I made it a whole night sleeping with a guy. 

A guy who I wanted to give a million reasons to live even if none of those reasons somehow involved me.

-tbc-