Why She Stayed (xxxtentacion)

X.56

I was scared when I woke up. Scared when the bed was empty and somehow I was on it, sheets covering me. I raked my brain for any possible answers but came up empty. Instead all I had were even more questions. 

I pulled the covers off me and headed for the door when a voice stopped me. 

X. 

I didn't mean to eavesdrop. 

But I felt the need to listen on what he was saying. "I'm going out Ski, make sure you get these hoes out." 

I heard what sounded like shuffling. "Don't leave man, stay with your girl. " He paused. "She needs you. You need her." 

There was a brief moment of silence and from here I could only imagine the thoughts that must be going through X's mind. I knew he was contemplating what Ski was saying trying to test it out for himself and figure out if it was true. "She came back for you." Ski pressed. 

X finally speaks up and I feel let down by his words. "I'm not good for her Ski. Us won't happen again so just drop it." 

More footsteps. "What you mean? Look at you X your just fucking miserable. Do something good for you." 

"You know I can't..."X paused. "I'm doing everything I can for her to hate me." 

What?

Ski was angry now, you could hear it in his voice. "Since you met her you've been good. You were happy... don't come at me with that bullshit." 

"...because of me she...because I couldn't..." His voice cracks and there's a long pause before he speaks again. "I didn't make it in time. When I got there she was hurt...she was struggling to walk. Searching for my voice, looking for me." 

The tears blur my vision as I pressed the palm of my hand against the door. "When I found her she was looking right at me with those eyes... like if I was her fucking world. And it freaked me out because I couldn't believe that a person could love the way she does to me... and I swore to myself that I would do everything to keep her from being in pain...any pain but I failed." I was fighting my tears as I pressed my head against the door. "I couldn't protect her Ski." 

And I cup my mouth with my hand as I cry. "I couldn't save her." He repeats. 

"Stop blaming yourself" Ski snaps. 

But X persists with his thoughts."She deserves better way better than me." X says. 

"So you wouldn't care if that Scar guy takes her?" 

My eyes widen. 

Of course he cares, he has to care. 

"No." X said. 

I think it was at that moment where you say something you know your bound to regret in the future and this was one of those moments. 

I shake my head, retreating back into the bed and pulling the covers over me as I feigned sleep. Holding back the tears as I fought the pain in my chest. 

Just by me being here I was hurting X. 

My whole being hurt him. 

I was the cause of his pain. 

I thought that by being here it would be the change we needed. 

But how wrong I was. 

How foolish I was to ever believe that things could be the way they once were. 

Because everything changed. 

And soon we would realize how soon our hearts were to follow.