Why She Stayed (xxxtentacion)

X.17

Carnation: White carnations represent pure love, purity and good luck, they also symbolize regret that a love cannot be shared

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In my dream, it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating a light at the center of the stage. I followed the light trying to make out the figure that stood in the middle of it, but I should have known it was X. The sound of his voice singing gave it away.

I couldn't see his face, just his back as he walked away from me, leaving me in the blackness. "X!" I called out after him.

No matter how fast I ran, I couldn't catch up to him; no matter how loud I called, he never turned. No matter what I did I could never seem to reach him. It frustrated me to the point where I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep again for what seemed like a very long time.

After that, he was in my dreams nearly every night, but never within my reach, always at a distance, surrounded by thousands of fans that wanted to get to him as much as I did. I watched him sometimes, unable to stop myself- from a distance, though, on the outside of my home, whenever he'd pass by on his bike or skateboard. I watched as his brown eyes and small smile stole glances at me just as much as I did too.

And the dreams continued.

I somehow feared they were like a hidden message for me, especially since I so desperately wanted to become someone important in his life, someone he would need. The necklace comforted me but whenever he'd leave out of town for a few days to see his girlfriend I felt most alone.

Somehow through everything, I think X understood me, why I was the way I was now. He seemed to understand me rather than question who I'd become. And that's when I'd fall for him more because he looked at me as if I was perfect with each and every one of my imperfections.

"Mija, take out the trash for me." My mom shouts at me from the living room. I shut the book I was reading and set it back down onto my bed while I head downstairs. My hair get's caught in my eyelashes and I brush some of the strands away. I was starting to wear my hair down more often now so I was starting to get used to that happening more often now.

I even put light makeup on myself too.

I was slowly starting to peel off those protective layers that shrouded my heart and personality. The nightmares of my stalker that taunted my sleep were now long gone replaced by the image of someone important to me.

I found peace in my dreams now, all that was left was my life.

I grabbed the bags and headed out to the front of the house. I was outside for barely a few seconds when my eyes lingered over to the house, I could see X from here and oddly he'd been looking this way too.

I watch him jog over this way, it makes me nervous because my mom's in the living room and the curtains are open so she would see him talking to me. Once he closed the gap between us he gave me a curious look, I must have looked as nervous as I felt. I nodded my head towards the window where he followed my gaze and his eyes widened.

X gave me a small nod and his eyes flickered over to my bedroom window. "What, no." I hissed as if he'd actually said something.

But like always he never listened.

I rush back into my house. "Thank you, Mija." My mom says, I give her a small smile and dash upstairs to my room where I lock the door.

My window was already open and sitting on my bed while reading my book was X. I raised my brows at him. "You do know I have a mom, right?" I ask him.

He looks up at me from the book. "And she hates me." He added.

I shook my head at him. I walked around the room til I stood in front of him, arms crossed over my chest. I was about to complain to him how he could get me in trouble when X set the book down and pulled me towards him instead.

"X?" I say, confused.

He wraps his arms around me, burying his face into my stomach letting out a long pain filled sigh. I swallow, not sure of what to do, not sure if it's okay to touch him or hold him back. His hold tightens around me and that's when I give in.

I wrap my fingers in his hair and pull him to me, resting my chin on the crown of his head. He flinched at my response to him but instead of saying anything he holds me like that for a while. Neither of us says anything and I relish in the moment. Holding him like this, him holding me back.

I could feel my heart race. I'm sure he heard it too.

If only he knew how much he meant to me but I wouldn't stop until he knew just how much.

X suddenly pulled away, my hands back to my sides as he stood up, but without saying anything he threw me onto the bed where he joined me. I gasp when I felt his body on top of mine. He was holding my hand tightly, our fingers interlaced, his leg was slung casually over mine. I was blushing avoiding his eyes while he watched my cheeks and ears turn red.

"I had a dream about you," X says.

That caught my attention, my eyes look back up at him. He was looking at me with eyes full of longing and warmth but also he seemed a bit conflicted about it too. "I don't have any dreams." He begins. "Not anymore...not until you."

My heart skips a beat. "You're in a field of flowers, you have a smile on your face." He pauses, tightening his grip on my hand. "And you're looking at me with those eyes...those beautiful eyes."

My eyes widen at the word beautiful. "You have that innocent look on your face and your waiting for me, smiling...laughing...and I feel," His eyes are scanning mine as he says as if he's truly comprehending the emotion for the first time himself too. "Alive."

I gasp. "What are you doing to me, Flor?" He demands.

He moved his head closer to mine and then stopped, his lips were a few millimeters away from mine. I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing, but it wasn't the usual fear I had, it was because I wanted him to kiss me.

I've thought up of so many scenarios in my head of how my first kiss should be, and nothing could have been more perfect than this, then what was unfolding before my eyes. Tears were starting to blur my vision, as I shut my eyes and craned my neck, holding my breath and waiting, waiting for the moment where my true feelings would reveal themselves to me.

I felt him shift above me, pressing his lips to mine lightly. It felt like he gave me a shock, my body started to tingle and throb with the need for him to touch me. A thousand butterflies seemed to take flight in my stomach. My body seemed to melt under this kiss with the knowledge that X was taking my first.

He responded immediately, pulling me closer to him and running his hands down my back. I raised my arms and put them around his neck, tangling my fingers into his hair. His lips were soft and fit perfectly with mine. He sucked lightly on my bottom lip and I opened my mouth, not really knowing what to expect from my first kiss. He slipped his tongue into my mouth and massaged mine slowly, tenderly. The taste of him was amazing as he explored my entire mouth; my whole body was burning, wanting more.

A sound escaped his lips, a sound that quaked my body and sent chills down my spine.

Suddenly, he pulled away making me whimper and wonder what I'd done wrong. "Why are you crying?" He says with a voice full of worry.

M eyes flash open, looking at him as he brushed the tears away from my cheeks. He was waiting for my answer, I thought to myself and blurted out the only answer I could come up with. "That was the most beautiful first kiss I'll ever have."

X's eyes widened and I saw his cheeks blush. I don't know where the courage came from but I lift my hand to his face, brushing my thumb along the skin of his cheek. X lifts a hand to his face too, but he cups mine instead while looking me in the eyes.

"You're gonna change everything." He says, "But I don't care." He whispers against my lips.

-tbc-