Why She Stayed (xxxtentacion)

X.64

"You cut your hair?" Megan asks as she takes her glasses off. 

I look up at her from where I'm sitting. "Yeah." I mumble. 

She smiles. "You look better." 

I raise my brows at her, it wasn't like Megan to give out compliments. "I'm just glad your moving on to better things." She says.

I nod. "How are you and Lucky?" I ask. 

She smiles. "We're great, my first love turned out to be everything I dreamed it would." I tensed up at the sound of her words. "You know he's my first everything...and it's just perfect." She continues. 

I had to reread the sentence of the book several times before looking back up at her feigning that her words hadn't hurt. "You should have Scar as your first everything." Megan urges. "He's a good guy." 

I look away and back down to the book. "Can I ask you something?" Megan says. 

I shake my head, no, but she's Megan. "Have you guys done it?"

I froze, eyes widening as I look up at her in shock. "What?" I mutter.

She laughs at my reaction. "Oh come on, don't be a tease." She smirks.

I cleared my throat wanting to avoid the subject all together. "Didn't you and that weirdo do it lots of times?" She nudges me on the ribs.

I stated at the words on the book trying my best not to let what she has said get to me but no matter how hard I try it's impossible not to. I'd never had sex, I had a awful memory when it came to my first.

A memory I wanted to burn forever.

I look at Megan smiling but I can feel my eyes flush with tears and the sudden somber expression that settled across her face shows just how far she's crossed the line.

"My first time was taken from me." I blink a few times feeling the hot wet tears slide down my cheeks. "By force." I add.

She watches me carefully as she settles back into her seat, "Sorry." She whispers full of regret.

I shake my head, "X never touched me after that, he always said he wanted my first time to be special...only when I was ready..." I scoffed. "That turned out rather sad actually."

Megan suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of guilt wash over her. She grew silent hearing the wind blow and the leaves scatter through the grass. We both had nothing to say, at least I didn't.

But Megan could only think back to that day in the hospital how she had lied...how she had played a part in that wedge that now divided me and X. She had taken part in one of the many reasons why we are no longer together.

And that's when it suddenly dawned on hers truth she had refused to believe herself. "He loved you." She says aloud.

I was staring out at the sky not wanting to reply to that anymore but Megan was currently fighting a battle within herself.

She opened her mouth, wanting to say it. To come clean with the truth but her fear was even more overwhelming. She couldn't bare to think how I would react when I would find out the truth about that day at the hospital because the truth was it had hurt me...hurt me so much that it was part of the reason why I had felt so dirty...so disgusted with myself.

I was foolish in believing X hadn't shown up at the hospital that he hadn't waited to see me. "I'm scared you know." I tell Megan. "I hear rumors every day of how reckless with his life he's become."

"I think I hurt him more rather than helped him give him a reason to live...I think I gave him a million reasons more to hate the world."

"No!" Megan suddenly jumped up from her seat. I watched her confused by her reaction but instead of offering any explanation she kept silent.

"Stuff like love." I say. "It's painful."

And once again swallowing her guilt she kept quiet, settling back into her seat she says, "He never deserved you."

And I would say nothing in response.

-tbc-