Why She Stayed (xxxtentacion)

X.14

I gasped.

My eyes flashing open and jolting myself awake.

I pressed a hand to my chest, my heart was throbbing and for some reason, I felt sore all over. I lowered my eyes down to my lap and noticed I had the covers over me. How had I gotten here? It was then when a rush of memories filled my mind, the party, the scene with X, and the fight took a toll on me.

My eyes widen and I look around the room. It's dark in here and I can barely see a thing, throwing the covers off me I start to move when I felt something in my hand. I turn my head my eyes landing on a strange figure.

"X." I hear myself say.

He groggily looks up at me, lifting his head from the bed, blinking up at me while his hand shifted inside of mine. He'd been kneeling beside the bed I imagine and fallen asleep.

The air in the room had become dense, making it a little hard for my lungs to find the oxygen it was so desperately deprived of. The temperature in the room seemed to rise more and more as his eyes looked into mine.

"You're okay." He mumbles.

I nod slowly. My eyes roam over his features, I noticed he had a busted lip, a few cuts, and scrapes scattered throughout parts of his face. Because of me, he was hurt. I lowered my eyes, instead, I focused on his hand that had been clasped over my own. I wondered how long had he stayed awake worrying over me?

Jahseh sighed and stared at me, his expression unreadable. My eyes flickered back over to him, a part of me wanted to say something but I wasn't quite sure what it was I should say. "You're hurt," I mumble.

He swallows looking away from me. "I'm fine." He mutters.

"You're not fine," I say, I pull my hand away from his, I pretend to not notice him watch me as I get off the bed and head into my bathroom getting the first aid kit. I had a habit of always finding a way to hurt myself so I ended up buying a few of these and storing them throughout the house. They came in handy, especially for days like this.

I came back over to the bed and saw him leaning against the frame. I kneeled in front of him pulling the box open and grabbing some ointment and bandages. He sat upright and tensed up once I looked him in the face. My eyes landed on the cut on his lip and immediately dabbed some of the ointment there. He was mostly quiet while I did all the work, but I could feel his steady gaze on me.

The way he looked at me, how he looked at me made it impossible for me to meet his eyes. I had to pretend he wasn't looking at all to properly apply the medication. But just as I was about to finish up X reaches for my hands with his, holding me by the wrists. I bit my bottom lip while he forced me to look at him.

"I-" He pauses momentarily before closing his mouth, watching me instead.

As I looked at him I began to wonder the wide havoc and chaos that, despite our ordinary lives, and his unthreatening appearance; he was wreaking on my life. It wasn't that I couldn't see what all those girls were going on about. He was actually rather beautiful...in an unusual way. Better than being beautiful, his face was interesting. His narrow chin balanced well with his wide cheekbones, and then there were the eyes, overflowing with emotions, emotions he had yet to spill.

Those eyes that were suddenly boring into mine, glistened in the moonlight.

I stared back at him, trying to guess even one of those secrets. Trying to understand what it was he wanted to say. Everyone sort of always knew the type of person Jahseh was, he was quiet for the most part, sat in the back always in class, never paid attention much and instead listened to music but yet somehow he managed to pass every class. He was intelligent, no doubt about it. He would spend most of his free time writing in his notebook or hanging around by the library. There was always something on his mind, some painful scar that he expressed through ink and paper.

But now here he was trying his hardest to make me understand but that was the thing, I felt like he'd already told me a million things with one look into his eyes. "I fucked up." He finally tells me.

I stay quiet. "I took it out on you and I'm sorry. I'm a dick. I was just not having it today..." His eyes wander over my face. "And you." He paused. "You even did your hair." He drops one of my hands reaching for my long dark hair instead, his fingers comb through it. I could feel the warmth of his finger tips graze the skin of my cheek as he ran a hand through my hair. I felt a small smile tug at the corner's of my mouth as I looked at him, he was now watching my hair instead but once his eyes found mine again he stopped. Resting his hand on my cheek as I leaned into his palm.

"You should stay away from me." He warns. I'm not so sure what he means by that but I think it was far too late for a warning, my life was beginning to wrap around his. Too much of me was already invested into him. A day didn't pass by where I wasn't either thinking of him or listening to the sound of his voice rock me to sleep.

"No," I whisper, looking into his eyes. "Ever," I added.

"Please." His voice was sincere and full of concern, I didn't understand then what it was that he was so worried about.

"I'm going to hurt you." He says. "But you're one of the few people I rather not hurt."

I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had no words strong enough to hold them. For a long moment, I drowned in them. Drowned in what I was feeling, wondering why was I becoming so intrigued by him? Why was my heart beating so fast as he held me so gently? How could he possibly say he could hurt me when his actions said other wise.

X made me feel safe. I felt protected by him, when I was with him I knew no one could hurt me...more like no one would dare to. And strangely I found courage whenever I was with him. He pulls his hand away from my cheek, drops his hand from my wrist and instead just looks at me.

"Why do you look at me like that?" He asked.

I swallow. "How?"

My voice shook, something he seemed to notice and instead he shakes his head, shrugging off the question. He reached for one of his necklaces that dangled from his chests, it was a star shaped one. He pulls it over his head and holds it out into the air for me to see. Taking my hand he pressed the necklace into my palm.

"Take it." He mumbles.

I open the palm of my hand and stared at what was inside. "You belong to me now." He says. "That necklace means that I'll always protect you." He explains.

I find myself blushing and at loss for words. I wanted to ask him why he was giving it to me and not someone else instead but I accepted it. I placed it around my neck and continued to look down at the ground.

It was then that I remember I had something like that too. I turned to my side and opened my drawer where I found the red beaded bracelet. Without asking him I grabbed his hand and forced the bracelet onto his wrist. "Now we have a bond," I say.

He laughs. "You're too innocent Flor." His voice sounds sad as he says it. But he doesn't let me question it when instead he pulls me into his arms where he wraps them tightly around me, holding me against him like it would be the last time.

It was hard not to ignore the thoughts inside my head so instead I focused on holding him, pressing my ear against his chest. My eyes widened at the sound of his heart beating frantically. What was happening to us?

But at that time it didn't matter to me, I was willing to risk it all just to be close to him even if I could never reach his heart. Because we were young, naive and young, we foolishly believed that things like this could outlast forever. 

-tbc-