Why She Stayed (xxxtentacion)

X.41

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Rocky asks. 

I nod my head slowly, we came this far I wasn't about to head back the way I came from. I wasn't even sure I'd get another chance if I turned back now. But there was no denying the fear deep inside my heart. 

I was afraid. 

Afraid that the guy I loved was spiraling out of control. From what Rocky had told me he wasn't arrested for the burning of the field he'd been arrested because he'd broken into a home, stolen something and beat up the owner. 

What had been going through his mind, I could only imagine. 

I followed after Rocky as he showed me the way inside, after a fifteen minute check up after check up and filing of documentation we were let inside. "He thinks it's me." Rocky clarifies. 

I nod and step inside where I take in my surroundings. 

I hated the smell of this place: concrete and institutional.

The guard at the door of the visiting room pointed me to the empty chair at a table on one side of a glass partition. The room held half a dozen cubicles like this. Only a phone line would connect us to the other side.

I was shaking. I had never been inside a prison before, much less been this close and personal to these many cops but I held it in because I wanted to see him, but even being here as a visitor made me tremble in fear.

On the other side of the glass, a guard led out a man wearing a prison outfit. His hair was braided back, which made his face seem more serious. I tried to convince myself that he didn't look so restless but the bags underneath his eyes said otherwise. 

X looks at me, momentarily stopping himself from sitting down. My heart is racing but from a whole other reason this time, the guy I loved was looking at me with so much sadness and regret in his eyes that I had to look away to keep myself from breaking down. While I stared at my hands to gather some courage X took his seat and that's when I looked up at him again. 

My smile felt stiff and fake as I forced it.  X would know it was fake. But I had to be cheerful, couldn't let him see me upset.

He wasn't handcuffed. When he picked up the phone to talk to me I reached for mine as well. Pulling it to my ear longing to hear the sound of his voice. 

"Hey," X said.

"Hi." I smiled, sadly. It broke my heart, him frowning like that behind the glass. 

There was a long pause, just us staring at each other, wondering how in the hell did we go from innocently being happy and high on life to now. My eyes kept roaming over his face, the pain clearly written all over. 

Pain I caused. 

X clenched his jaw, tipping the phone with his hand. "Stop crying." He tells me. 

I bite on my bottom lip and nod my head, wiping the tears away from my cheek. I hesitated to speak, unsure of what to say or how to say anything at all. So instead X watched me sob like a fool all the while I brushed the tears away. I wasn't strong like he was, I couldn't force away the pain especially when my tears were because of him.

No for us, I felt sorry for what happened to the good and what was once pure love we had. I just wanted to go back to spending time with him in my room at night when he snuck in, or when he would sing me to sleep, kiss me when I wasn't prepared or whisper how much he loved me in my ear. 

I wanted to go back. 

I prayed for it every night since the day everything went to shit. 

"Please, stop crying Flor." The concern in his voice shocked me. How come he always had to worry about me? 

I nod again. "I'm sorry." I mutter. 

I reach for my necklace, holding onto it while I look him in the eyes. "Why did you come here?" He asks. 

"I wanted to see you." I say. "I missed you so much." For some reason my hand reached for him but thumped against the glass, and instead I pressed my palm against it. "I can't sleep without you." I continue. "Let alone breathe."

X shook his head. "No, Flor you weren't supposed to be here." His voice sounds angry but the emotions that caress his features betray him, he looked almost relieved to see me as if he might have been feeling the same way too. 

But oddly X was keeping his emotions on check, not once since being here had he smiled at me. He looked at me with eyes full of hurt, regrets and I hated it. I wanted to hold him to make him feel what I felt at this instant. 

"Don't come here anymore Flor."  I remove my hand from the glass slowly processing what he just said. 

After a moment, he slouched back into his seat. He gripped the phone tightly. 

"I hate this. I hate that your in there, and there's nothing I can do." I say. 

"Just don't come around here anymore Flor." He reminds me. 

I shook my head. "I will." I say. 

X sighed, " I'm not good for you." He emphasized.

I'm about to protest but he continues to speak. "Stay away from someone like me."

"No but-"

"I couldn't save you." He shouts. With wide eyes we both stare at eachother, the pain in his voice makes my heart ache. "I don't deserve you."

There was that silence again, silence that swallowed up everything I had come here to say. I wanted to tell him that we could somehow still have a chance, that things could go back to being the way it was but now those were all just foolish thoughts.

"I was a fool to believe that something this good could last..." His voice cracks. 

I'm just sitting there crying. "I couldn't protect the one person I should have..."

"It's not your fault-"

He shakes his head angrily. "Don't fucking do that Flor, don't."

I swallow, wiping away the tears.

"Times up." The guard says.

X looks at me and shakes his head. "I love you." I say.

But he doesn't say it back he just watches me and then sets the phone back in it's place as he pulls himself off the chair. "Jahseh?"

I had never called him by his first name before but he flinched, eyes looking back up at me but I don't say anything else.

I'm not sure what I can say to magically fix everything.

And then he turns around and without turning back he walks away and back into the door he came from as I watch.

-tbc-