Why She Stayed (xxxtentacion)

X.43

Warning: subject of sexual-assault  

I had a visit one day. 

An unexpected visitor. 

But there she was with a frown on her face in a suit and glasses standing at my door. 

Jessica. 

My mom let her in and gave us some privacy to talk in the kitchen. "You look like hell." She says as she takes a seat at our table. 

I wasn't in the mood to get angry so instead without a word I took a seat. I felt nauseous, mostly because I was neglecting food and sleep but kept a firm grip in front of her. There could only be one reason why Jessica was here and neither reason I could come up with was good. 

Her eyes settled on me, looking at me from the waist up with a small shake of the head but there was something that lurked in her eyes that almost seemed like satisfaction...like she was satisfied with what she was seeing. 

"I was going to call but I knew you wouldn't listen to what I had to say on the phone." She paused pushing her glasses above the rim of her nose. 

"It could have saved you the trip." I say with a hoarse voice. 

She rolls her eyes. " I can't stand being in the same room as you." Her words shoot like daggers. "The only reason I came was to make one thing clear." 

I sigh. "Shoot me." 

"This is about Jahseh." 

My eyes widen at the sound of his name and I feel my heart skip a beat. "Did something happen?!" I push myself up the palm of my hands smacking against the table. 

Jessica glares at me. "Sit down." She hisses. 

Confused, I do as she says. "You know already he's in jail. You also know it's because of you he's out of control." 

I avoid her eyes now. "Do you know the condition he's in right now?" 

I shook my head, no. "Of course you don't. He can't even see you can he? Without feeling like shit or wanting to beat someone up...he's out of control that guy. And it's all your fault." 

My eyes snap back up to her's, was she being serious? 

But she isn't done. "I knew you were bad, from the moment I saw you. You were going to be the worse thing that happened to him. And look how things turned out. Tell me are you satisfied with what you've done?" 

My mouth hangs open. 

"You've managed to fuck it all up. You've fucked him up. He was fine without you. Everything was going fine and then you happened...how can you live with yourself?" She demands. 

My eyes tear up. 

What had I done? 

"Don't act all innocent now Flor, X isn't here for you to put up an act. I know the kind of slut you are." 

I'm in shock hearing all this coming from her. "Tell me how you planned it? Cheating on him with some other guy and pretending that little stunt...had us all fooled. But really your plan was to come out with it on the news and for you to become the most famous model out there. I had you all figured out." 

"You think I staged it?" Tears fall down my cheeks. 

"I know you did. Which is why I'm here. As X's manager I want you to stop all contact with him." 

Another pang. 

"What?" 

"Leave him alone already, he can't take much more. I'm barely keeping him alive enough as it is. He's so sad. So fucking sad and he blames himself. For not being able to save you he blames himself every day...and if he kills himself it will all be your fault." 

I shake my head. This isn't happening. 

I'm having a bad dream again...

"He loves me and I love him." I murmur. 

"No you don't, you don't use the person you love." 

"I didn't use him!" I snap. 

"Then why didn't you press charges!?" She snaps back. 

"Because he disappeared!" My words are full of pain. " He raped me and hit me on the head believing I was dead since I blacked out. I was lucky to live...to wake up and see X. I thought it was all a bad dream...but I felt pain...I couldn't walk...and I hated how he looked at me." I pause, struggling to breathe. "I hate how he looks at me now." 

I stared at her now, her silence and mine were edging between us. 

I didn't want to remember that day anymore. 

It was on that day that my innocence was permanently lost. Despite the terror of the situation, I had never contemplated forced sex as something that might happen to me. It was something I wished no person ever went through in their lifetime. 

Just when I had started to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own beauty... it was all lost. Along with the part of me that foolishly believed in a pure and innocent love. 

The way I saw the world, the way I saw men was flipped inside out, no longer would I be the same person I once was. And it felt like every single person I passed by in this dam town knew, they all looked at me with pity or sad eyes, or sympathetic looks. 

And it made me feel so dirty. 

The traumas in my life began to run through me like toxic waters.  

And suddenly the feeling of losing Jahseh forever terrified me. "I'm sorry Jessica, but I didn't ask for this to happen...we fell in love and maybe we shouldn't have. If I knew I was going to be the person who hurt him most...I wouldn't have said anything to him." 

She nods, her lips sealed shut. "Then you know what needs to be done." She pushes herself off the chair, waiting for my answer. 

With tears in my eyes I can only nod. "Break up with him. Let him be free of this burden. Because your ruining him...you'll ruin him for good." 

I sit there motionless watching her gather her things. "If you really love him set him free." Is the last thing she tells me before she heads out the way she came from. 

I stay there sitting for a while, listening to the sound of my heart break. 

How did so much change in so little time? 

But there's no answer to that. 

Everything in our lives had a habit of disappointing us and this was once again proving that our lives have yet to let us down when it comes to ruining what makes us happy. 

I wonder how many tears have I shed at this point? 

How many more will I after this? 

Will I be able to see him from afar without wanting to burst into tears? Could I possibly handle seeing him fall out of love with me and in love with someone else? But none of that pain compared to the fear of losing him to the sadness of taking his own life. Not seeing him at all was worse than seeing him alive and in love with another person. 

"Why are you crying, Flor?" My mom comes up to me placing a hand on my shoulder she rests her head on the crown of mine. 

But a part of me had always know that being with him was just too good to be true. 

I reach for the necklace he'd given me. "Don't cry mija." 

I felt right there and then my whole world crashing and dividing into a million pieces, just like my heart. 

What was going to happen to us? 

-tbc-