The Moon, The Sun, and Everything Else

Starships

"Starships were meant to fly..." Scott sang. It was the first show since. It'd been months, almost a year, and it still plagued the existence of every member. Especially Avi.

But here they were, nearing 12 months later. Singing. Why the heck are they singing? They had a new soprano now. Heck, they had one (and a half) new albums now. They were about to go on a new tour and everything. But for now, they were doing a few shoes here and there. And whatever it was about "Starships", brought everything and nothing back to him.

By some miracle, he kept his part going, but nothing else was with him. Muscle memory, I guess?

Avi was never one to cry. Not really at all. Okay, maybe here and there, but he was never one to break down. He tried his hardest to keep himself composed, but then that part of the song came up, and she definitely didn't say "My name is Kirstin, but you can call me Kirstie."

That's what broke him.

It's been 12 whole months. Why is this still happening?

Even the sound of the microphone hitting the stage didn't take him out of it. Nothing could, and nothing would. He was numb. And somehow, being numb was better.

He didn't know how the microphone had fallen, it just did. He didn't even know he had started crying until he saw tear stains on Esther's jacket sleeve. Wait, Esther? He didn't know how he even got backstage, he just did.

Avi turned around to see the rest of the group, besides their new soprano, standing around him, all with glazed over eyes and concerned looks on their faces.

Avi didn't know what to make of that moment. It was him, and the guys, and the only girl there was Esther, but Esther isn't Kirstie. He soon broke down. He broke completely apart. Sobbing, hyperventilating, all the rest of it.

When he soon calmed down, he felt something. It was like he was being shot. Guilt.

He felt guilty that she was gone. He felt guilty for all the times he'd snap at her when he was stressed. For all the times he left her texts on read. For all the times he never fought back. For all the people he never beat up for her.

Then there was another shot. Regret.

He started to regret everything in his life that had to do with Kirstie. If he didn't say that, or do that, or act like that, then maybe, maybe he wouldn't be standing backstage, sobbing his eyes out.

"Avi..." Kevin said softly and tried to hug him.

"No!" Avi snapped, making Esther flinch behind him. "I can't do this anymore! I can't sing without thinking about her, I can't hear your voices without thinking about her, I can't look at these crowds without thinking about her!"

"Avriel." Esther said, cautiously placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't touch me." He snapped at her to. Avi felt like he was going to throw up and pass out all at once. The heartbreak, the guilt, the regret, it all tied his insides into one giant knot. He turned behind himself and went off to his dressing room. From there, he heard Kevin say that intermission was going to last a little longer, but they'd be back soon.

Esther, being the brave soul she is, went first. She aimlessly knocked on the dressing room door, I mean, she was going to go in there either way. She found Avi sitting there, staring at the framed picture of himself and Kirstie after they won their Grammy (the first time).

Avi looked up as the door closed. "What do you want?"

"I want to talk to you."

"Don't." Avi set the frame down and started to walk out.

"Avi." She grabbed his arm.

"What?! I'm literally the reason we've ended up this way!"

Esther's face fell. "Hey, you are not the reason for all of this."

"Yes I am! I loved her, okay? And I couldn't see that she was broken!" He shouted, rattling that same picture frame.

"You cannot blame yourself for this, Avi. She just had that facade about her. I couldn't even tell." She said calmly.

"I'm supposed to be able to tell! She always acted like the hate didn't get to her, and look what happened!" Avi ran his hands over his face. Esther took her brother into a hug as his tears started falling again.

"She wouldn't want you to be doing this. She'd want you out there singing." Esther whispered.

"I can't." Avi choked. "I genuinely can't."

"Do it for her, Avi. That was her favorite song to perform after all."

Avi nodded against his sister's shoulder. He somehow pulled himself together, and they were all back on stage in a matter of three minutes.

"Let's pick back up where we left off, alright?" Kevin said, and the crowd cheered louder than ever. "Let's go."

Starships were meant to fly, but so was Kirstie. And she is flying now, as an angel.