This Is Gospel (ShimaxYukio)

56. Memory Glue

Yukio hugged his pillow into his chest. He was unable to cry anymore tears so he just laid there, sniffling as he bore his gaze into the wall. It didn't hurt anymore. He just felt...

Numb...

At first all he could be filled with was regret. Regret that he had treated Mugen so terribly. Regret that he wasn't honest with him about his feelings.

Regret that Mugen died without ever knowing that he loved him, too.

He couldn't imagine how it must have felt for him, dying while feeling like you meant nothing to no one...and that there probably wasn't anyone waiting for him on the other side of wherever he was headed.

Yukio had been too afraid to sleep. He was afraid that he would see Mugen in his dreams and he knew for a fact that he couldn't handle something like that....not right now.

Probably not ever.

He didn't bother to tear his gaze away from the wall when he heard Shima enter the bedroom. The pinkette didn't seem to want much attention, which Yukio understood all too well. He didn't want to be bothered with conversation either. What would they even talk about? What could even be said?

A part of Yukio was angry with Shima that he had brought Mugen back to him without his life. They were supposed to protect each other and Shima was supposed to be their leader---how could he let this happen?

Then again, that was unfair and unreasonable thinking. It would only serve as a way for Yukio to release his anger...to blame it on Shima. Even though he loved Mugen, he wouldn't be able to live his life without Shima and for that, he would be forever grateful to the samurai.

'I just wish I could have kept you both with me....'

Shima slid into bed and wrapped his arms around Yukio, a heavy silence enveloping them. Neither of them was sure of where to go from there.

"...how are you, feeling?"

Shima grunted, shifting behind him to make himself more comfortable.

"Same as you, I guess. Numb."

There was another bout of silence before Shima spoke again. A strained laugh left him, voice cracking as he struggled to hold in his tears.

"I'm so sorry, lovely. I really am."

"Renzo, please---"

"I didn't know. I swear to God, I didn't know. I'm gonna fix it, though. Okay?"

Shima's embrace tightened and Yukio felt his already sore eyes stinging with tears again.

"How...how can we fix it? He's gone, Ren, we can't bring him back."

"I...I know. But I'll fix it, my love, I promise you that much. I need you to trust me."

Fix it?

"Renzo, please. I can't lose you; I wouldn't be able to live without you! Whatever you're planning...I just want you to be safe..."

Shima shushed him, kissing the back of his head and rubbing his arm in an attempt to pacify him. "It's nothing like that, honey. I may do some things that I'm not proud of, but I need you to trust me. Can you do that for me, Sweet Pea?" He pleaded. After a moment he received a nod, albeit a reluctant one.

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you more, baby. I want you to know that everything I do...everything I've ever done since the day I've laid eyes on you has all been for you...okay?"