Just Breathe - Adopted by Mandy Gonzalez - COMPLETED

54 - Breaking Down

May 18th 2018
Mom and I sat in her dressing room. She was doing her makeup as her wig was put on her. I laid across the couch, drawing a larger picture of Lexi singing burn. I plug headphones in and play normal music. A rare occurrence as I only ever listened to musicals, I just didn't want to think about performing or anything besides this art work. I knew I was drawing someone performing in Hamilton, but it didn't remind me of being in it. I laid down sketching, until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I blinked my eyes a few times and realised I had been crying. Their were beads of tears on the drawing I'd done. I pushed it to the side and laid my head in my arms ignoring my mom, now in costume ready to go onstage.

"Sweetie, you don't have to talk if you don't want to, but I'm worried about you. I need to go but if you want we can talk later,at intermission, I'm here."

"Hmmm," I hummed as my tears dripped onto my skin. I felt Mandy kiss my head.

"I love you Becky." I don't respond and instead keep sobbing. "You'll Be Okay baby girl. We will talk later, I'm here for you, you can tell me anything, and I won't judge you baby." She squeezed my shoulder one more time and headed out.

"I love you to mommy." I said as she walked out. I turned my head to watch her leave when she turned her head and blew me a kiss before leaving. I laid there and looked at the drawing in front of me. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to do both performing arts and visual arts. I wanted to not seem like every day was a waste. If I was going to be at the theatre for as long as anyone else I felt like I should be earning, especially given I had done a show.
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"Okay sweetie what's wrong?" I leaned against my mom as she sat, changed, next to me before we head home. I refused to speak to her during the intermission as I wasn't feeling it. But I knew I had to tell her now.

"Please don't think of me as selfish or needy or anything bad when I say this."

"I could never honey, I'm sure what you have to say is valid and given that you burst into tears, it clearly is important to you."

"Okay." I took a deep breath. "So firstly, I want to be able to spend more time with dad at the studio and create my own visual art that's not fan art, I want to have a go at doing what he does. I had so much fun with him the other day and I want to experience it more."

"Okay, I'll try to see if we can schedule that in."

"But secondly, I feel like it's unfair that I have to be here at every show and go to all the rehearsals and I don't get anything from it. Besides knowing I have a role once I'm 18. I know the track and I'm here for 8 shows a week. I'm not getting an education because I do the show. All the swings and standbys get paid to be here, ready to go on, they go to the same rehearsals I do and I get nothing from it. Besides not technically having a costume, I'm ready to be thrown on last minute as Peggy/Maria. I want to do this and I want to perform lots once I'm 18. And when I earn stuff for all my hard work, then it'll be more enjoyable and I'll be in a job. But right now I feel like me coming to all the shows isn't worth it for you or me, I could be earning money else where and be able to pay for things myself, but I currently can't and I just don't think it's fair on me that I have to be here and I don't get paid when everyone else is getting paid, just because I'm not 18 yet." I break down again and Mandy hugs me close.

"Shhhh, it'll be okay baby. I know exactly where you are coming from."

"Josh got paid when he rehearsed, so does everyone else. Basically I've been trained without them having to pay anything."

"Sweetheart I know what you mean, and I completely understand, and I agree. It is unfair that you are made to be here, you sign in like everyone else and rehearse like everyone else. I'll see who I can talk to, to either start paying you, even if less than what a regular cast member would get. Or to reduce your Hamilton schedule. How does that sound?"

"Good, thank you mama." I hug her tight and then we head home after another day of me sitting and not doing much.