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You tried not to love him, dear god did you try not to love him, but it's like every little nerve ending in your chest was being pricked and prodded whenever you tried to walk away; leaving you sore and bruised on the inside and ready to choke up your own faults. You took one look into those ethereal green eyes and its like every ounce of pain you'd ever had went away. That's why it was so confusing.
Because for a long time you thought the ache in the pit of your belly was because of him, was because of his problems and issues; but it wasn't. It was you. You couldn't let yourself be happy, you couldn't let yourself fall because everyone who's ever fallen has ended up like shattered glass on the pavement. You thought the only thing that came from something like this was pain, and that it was all too good to be true. But today is different.
Today you woke up with a little voice inside your head, a soft, gentle reminder that when something pure, and good shows up at your door, you don't just ignore the echoing sound of knocking on the hard wood surface. He tried to reach out to you the night before, to tell you that whatever you're feeling is 'Ok, and that as much as it hurts, if you don't want him the way he wants you, he'll live with that if it makes you happy'
And now you can't help but to think about how much of an ignorant asshole you are because the man of your dreams confessed his love for you and you practically ran away. Actually no, you did run away. That's what you know best, especially when things get hard and scary and feel suffocating; except it was never his hands around your throat, squeezing your vocal chords until your lungs burned and ached for a breath of fresh air, it was your own.
His name is on your screen in a matter of seconds, and you swallow the fear and anxiety threatening to bubble up into your throat as you click the green call button. You bring the device up to your ear, the cold screen pressed to your warm cheek as you listen to the worrisome-thought provoking sound of the rhythmic ringing; your heart skipping a beat as it stops and the sound of a smooth, honey like voice replaces it.
You feel your body physically relax, eyes closing halfway. You can picture his face perfectly, fair eyebrows pressed together and pink lips pursed as he says "Hello?". That's how you know someone has got you, when just their voice makes you feel like you're floating on a cloud. It's the same feeling you get when you have bonfires with your best friends in the winter, or when you're driving with the top down on a long road with the sun illuminating the evergreens beside you and your favorite music blaring through the radio.
It's a sigh of relief, a feeling deep within your bones that settles in your chest and in that moment you feel like everything is going to be ok. I am here, I am alive, and I love right now. "Hey Bill, it's me, I mean you know that because my name is on your phone- unless- unless it's not because then that would explain you not knowing who this is and me having to tell you." You scrunch your face up, mentally facepalming as you realize you sound like a stammering idiot.
