Dear Boo

😘Ace Confusion 😘

Dear Boo,
My name is Layla*. I should probably start off with announcing my “gayness”. I know I’m queer. (Definitely queer. Like, Chloe Moriondo and Andrew Barth Feldman are both my types. And, no, I’m not a pedophile. I’m a teen.) I think I’m panromantic-greysexual – I don’t have a gender preference of people I want to be with, but I don’t necessarily want to take things past the kissing and cuddling level, even if I’m head over heels, I’d-let-you-burn-my-bookshelf in LOVE with them.
That’s what I thought, at least.

I know quite a few people who have slept with other people. They’re all fantastic, Honours student types who are over the age of consent and use safe practices, so I’m not being "tainted" by others’ bad habits (this all sounds weird). But, yeah. I’m the “same level” of maturity as these people. They’re all older, but I’m already taking “Advanced” classes with them, like Geometry or Business and Personal Law. And, since I’m considering early graduation, I’ll be taking both Honours II AND III next year, as well as Advanced Algebra II, Honours Chemistry, World Geography, Spanish II, and Concert Orchestra (I’m a pianist).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that all the people who are deemed my equals maturity-wise are already sexually active. Do I want to be? No, not at all. I’m not interested in anyone like that at the moment – but I can only see me being interested "like that" in girls, which is really confusing.

I’m easily distracted, and I’m very stoic when it comes to expressing emotion (unless I’m tired - then I have no filter, which is kind of relevant). I’m also very social; it’s hard to find someone who doesn’t like me, and if they don’t, they’re usually seen as a bully anyway.

Despite being on “everyone’s side”, I’ve been keeping in so much since the sixth grade. I started having lust-like feelings towards my best friend, Elle*. When she came out to me in the seventh grade as bi, I couldn’t wrap my brain around it, even though I knew I was fine with people being queer. (Like, seriously: Who is it even hurting?)

In the seventh grade, a girl moved to our town. Her family was a mess, as I found out after I offered to be her partner on the biggest project of the year. One of the first questions she asked me when we met was, “Are you bi?”

“No. . . ?”

“Oh. Because you seem bi.”

I started to develop a kind of crush on her before I realized that I shouldn't be engaging in any kind of relationship with her, that she just wasn't stable enough. I wrote it off as intrigue or plain curiosity, as I always did.

Or another time in seventh grade, when this queer girl whom I just adore came up to my table at lunch and asked me if I was a lesbian. All my friends all said, “No! Layla’s* not a lesbian. She’s the straightest thing ever.” “Oh,” said the girl. “All the girls in the bathroom are saying you are.”

I went to the bathroom and was met by twelve absolutely silent girls.

This is all a ramble, but it’s going somewhere.

In the sixth grade, I had had a boyfriend, Brad*. He was really sweet and smart and funny (I’m a sucker for humour), but his friends were douchebags and he was too small-town-Republican for me to stand after a while. (We dated in 2016 a few months before the presidential election.) I really enjoyed when he would be “romantic”, and I really wanted a strong romantic relationship with him.

In the eighth grade, I dated a girl, Sara* (who later came out as trans), and I found myself a little more willing to think of the possibility of it going farther (though it never did - I still wasn't that interested, but I could at least let myself think about it).

I know that I want to be with guys; most of my crushes are guys. But, even if one of my crushes over the years asked me to have sex with him, I would say no. I don’t like thinking about . . . the male genitalia. It’s not pleasant for me to think about. It, honestly, gives me anxiety, because while I realize that a good romantic male partner won’t expect anything of me and won’t pressure me to do anything outside my comfort zone, I worry that it wouldn’t be fair to someone.