Dear Boo

😪I Need Help😪

Dear Boo,

Hey Boo it’s Grace* again❤️

I felt the need to write again because my life has become utter chaos and I’m having a heap of trouble dealing with it.

I’ve been working on trying to tell mum about my feelings and self-harm. It’s hard but I’ll get there.
Problem with the cutting: I’m obsessed. I can’t go half a day without seeing myself cutting or wanting to claw my own face off. I’m obsessed with blades, wanting to buy box cutters simply for the purpose of cutting myself, and I need to stop. I’m fascinated with cutting deeper and it’s scary because I’m 13, I’m just a kid. I’m not supposed to feel like this and I’m terrified. Like when did I go from a happy 12-year-old to this? And everyone thinks I’m so happy.

Off the topic of cutting, I have problems that are maybe even bigger. My abuser, as expected, denied that he sexually abused me. He denied it and that hurts a lot. I feel invalid and like no one believes me, and I know I was never raped so it makes it so much worse. Like I am so thankful I wasn’t, but I feel like what happened to me was minor so it doesn’t matter. And to add on to that, my two youngest brothers have to see my abuser(their dad) once a month supervised for 12 months till something else is decided. It’s not as bad as it could be yeah I know. But the person deciding everything is so under his spell and I can see it. She doesn’t believe me, I know that it’s obvious. I just want to hit something, scream, but I can’t because then mum will get worried and it’s all too much. I’m really hurting, and even though everyone says it will, it’s not getting better. It’s all going downhill. I can’t cope at all, I’m just stuck.

Sometimes I’m certain I’m depressed, other times I think of the symptoms I don’t have and tell myself I’m just being stupid and weak. On top of that, I think I’m developing an eating disorder and I know that’s really bad, I’ve seen it first hand when my mum had anorexia. I’m having problems with body image, and all I want to do is starve or throw up all my food. I’m scared to tell mum because I don’t want to add to her stress. And I don’t really want to stop, even if there’s part of my brain saying “hey this is bad for you. You want a future don’t you?” I’m clinging to the bad feelings because they are all I know now, I want the self-harm because I feel I need it, and well, the ED thing, I feel fat and I don’t want to be. And maybe if I lose weight everything will get better.

It sounds stupid as hell but I can’t help it.
I’m scared.

Thanks if you reply to this, it means a lot❤️❤️❤️

*Grace🙃🙃

🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄

Dear Grace*,

Hey, doll, thanks for writing to me again. I really appreciate all the massive amount of support you give me. I'm sorry your letter is late, I've had a lot going on and things just became overwhelming. I'm really glad you wrote to me, I like that you know I'm always here for you.