Dear Boo

Betrayal of Friendship

Dear Boo,

I am in my last year of high school and have always been a huge introvert. Two years ago (about halfway through year ten), I had just come back from school holidays. It was first break and I was just sitting on our usual bench reading as my friends, Sofia* and Aubree*, talked to each other. 

Keep in mind that I had been best friends with them since year four and they were the only two friends I had. The last time I had a friend other than them lasted less than a year while we were in year five. 

Sofia* and Aubree* broke off their friendship with me but stayed friends with each other—for reasons I can't remember because I was too distraught to hear them properly when they told me.

This event left me broken. I was in pain and terribly confused. I had thought all was well and we were best friends. The more time passed, I thought back on the years I spent in high school with them. I realized all the things I had written off as them being friends for longer (eleven years) were signs that I was not as close to them as I thought. 

They almost always sat next to each other if there were only two seats. I wrote it off as them being more extroverted and wanting to be able to talk whenever they felt like it. If there were every pair activities, they would always choose each other. I just reasoned that they worked well together. 

If they ever talked about hanging out with each other and I hadn't been invited, I told myself not to be jealous because friends want to spend time with each other separately. It would be selfish to wish to be invited to everything. I failed to realize at the time that I was never invited to anything separately—ever!

I sat by myself at lunch in the mornings before school for months after this. My heart would hurt every time I saw them (and since I was in almost every class with them, sitting directly in front or behind them, that was a LOT). I sat in our old lunch spot because I didn't know where else would be free and I sure as hell didn't want to see them while trying to find one. 

I became more introverted and had no friends anymore. My mind constantly replayed memories of all the things that I could only now see were hints to them not liking me anymore. 

I started sitting with a new, bigger group of friends at lunchtime when they invited me to. They didn't know me when I was friends with Sofia* and Aubree*, so they didn't notice the change in me. I had become less talkative and laughed a lot less. I had simply become an observer. 

In year eleven, an exchange student, Mira*, came to join our group and we grew close. She filled the hole and I drew out of my shell a lot because of her. At the end of the year, she had to go back home and I retreated back into my shell. This time even further than the last.

I still find myself unconsciously smiling at some of the things I overhear Sofia* and Aubree* say. When I realize I am, it causes me pain. It hurts to see them, hear them, remember them—even now. 

I have severe trust issues and I just feel so tired and hurt.

When I sit with my new friends at break, I fake being okay. They didn't know me when I was okay, so they can't tell that I'm lying. I can't bring myself to believe they actually care about me as a friend. They are all nice people and that makes it all too easy to believe they are just letting the loner hang out with them so that I don't feel bad. 

I have only ever heard one of them, Ellie*, say that she and I are friends. I burst into tears because I can't believe her (and I so rarely cry), but I hid this too.

Everything in me screams that this group of people will be gone by the end of the year and that they will never contact me again. They all have best friends. I am not one of them.