Dear Boo

⚠️Afraid of men⚠️

⚠️WARNING!⚠️

This letter is very deep and may be triggering. Cancer and rape will be discussed. If either subject is triggering then please read with caution. Both are serious, sensitive matters which are discussed in detail.

Dear Boo,

I'm an adult and I've never dated anyone before. I'm in my middle twenties and never have had a boyfriend.

It's not like I can't find anyone, the problem is I can't date somehow. I'll try to explain this to you.

I can hang out with men without problems, but when it comes to relationships, touching or intimate things – I always back away. Always!

Somehow I am always alarmed when a man comes too close to me. Literally, my brain screams danger in these times. That's also why I'm an introvert and very unsociable.

I thought about the reason a lot, why I am like this. Why I can not trust men and be near them without backing away or being afraid.

One day I remembered something about my childhood. A big traumatizing experience happened. I think this is the reason why I never have had a relationship until now.

When I was in sixth or seventh grade I saw TWO men raping a fifteen-year-old girl. Yeah, you read that right – I saw them. One guy was holding the girl down while the other…..

I was coming home with my family in the evening and they were raping this girl behind our house in a dark corner, near our door. The two men ran away when they saw us. But we saw everything because they didn't hear us coming. Everything was so sudden.

I thought I had forgotten this, but for a while now I have been thinking that this experience is locked in my mind. I think this is the reason why I am always in an alarmed mood when I come near men.

When a man touches me I tense up really bad. It doesn't matter if it's a family member or a doctor.

I don't understand myself – I'm so weird!

As a child, I didn't have issues. I played with all the boys in my neighborhood and my father was my best friend. But since the trauma everything changed, I guess.

When I see girls being friendly and touchy with me, while being so relaxed, I always wonder–what is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal too?

But, this is not the only reason why I've never had a boyfriend.

When I was 18 I had cancer and had therapy. I'm healthy now. I don't have any physical pain anymore, but my mental state is literally fucked up, very bad.

When I had cancer everyone looked at me with pity, as if I was hopeless. I have every kind of mental issues because of people and their comments about me. Not because of the pain I went through.

Words always hurt more than any physical pain, you know.

I still had hope that someone would like me with all my scars and missing organs. I still wanted to be loved, no matter how worthless and weak people made me feel.

Sometime after my therapy, I had the courage and talked to some men. There was one who I really liked very much. We got to know each other on Instagram and I was going to meet him in real life.

But, I always have complexes about my scars and feeling worthless. So, one day I told him I went through cancer therapy. I wanted to make sure it didn't bother him in any way.

He never messaged me again!

My faith in love went to hell on that day. I always think I'm not worth being loved because I'm not healthy like others. I always have an inferior complex as if I'm not a whole human.