Unforgotten Love - Book 2

Facing My Demons

LENA POV

"I'm sorry, John. This isn't fair to you. I haven't been completely honest with you."

"Why are you here, Lena?" The blonde-haired man looks at me through the crack in his door. He looks a mess, and I feel awful about all of this as it is my fault.

"Can we talk?"

He frowns at me for a couple of seconds before opening his door wider and walking out onto his porch. He looks a complete mess, as if he had been sleeping for days, his sandy blonde hair a disaster along with what looks like a week old beard. Folding his arms across his broad chest, he stares into my eyes. "What is it, Lena?"

"Are you okay?" I move closer, and he backs up before heading to sit on his porch swing.

"I'm fine, Lena. Just haven't been sleeping well."

I sit on the porch banister across from him and place my hands on either side of me as I clear my throat. "I haven't seen you in class. Are you sick?"

"Are you here to tell me that you are okay? That everything you said at that bonfire was a mistake? That you are not in love with Stef? And that you don't want to be with her? Is that why you're here, Lena?" He snaps at me as his icy blue eyes bore into mine.

"I'm here so we can talk! You've been ignoring my calls! What do you want from me, John? I've been putting forth an effort..."

"Oh, you have? You're putting forth an effort? That's funny because you've never been so handsy and loving as that night! Was that all for show? Huh? Because I gotta be honest, I'm not okay with any of that!"

"It wasn't for show John! I just wanted to finally be affectionate with you. I really did and how you that I do like you! Look, I've been a mess, and I haven't been honest! I'm willing to make us work, though, John!" I scream at him knowing I was partly lying.

"Make us work? What is there to do to make us work? I don't get it, Lena! You came to me and said you changed your mind! You said you wanted to be my girlfriend!" John's face is red now, and I can see the pain clearly in his eyes which makes me feel even worse. "Look, I get you're damaged goods or whatever. I've always accepted this part of you that was slower to jump in with both feet, but you lied to me, Lena. You flat out lied..."

"I didn't lie!" I interject as I stand to my feet, my heart hammering out of control. "I didn't! And I do want to be your girlfriend, John! I really do! I like you. I like you alot."

"Do you love her?"

"Who?"

"Oh, don't play dumb with me, Lena! Do! You! Love! Her?!?!?"

"No! I...why does everyone insist that! I don't I.."

"Because everyone sees it! Be honest for once in your life, Lena Adams! I'm tired of this game you play! Be honest!" John's voice is strangled as if he's trying not to cry, and I can feel my own eyes burning as well as my throat and chest.

"Stef? I did! I did love her until she broke my heart, and she just had to bring that woman! I...I did, a long time ago... And I don't play games! I'm not that kind of person!"

"Just stop, Lena! Stop!" He stands to his feet as she look at each other, and the tears begin to fall down my face.

"I did. Not anymore," I say in a pleading voice, and he grabs my hands and links our fingers, tears now in his own eyes. Bringing one of my hands to his lips, he kisses it as he sniffles.

"You still do. And that's okay. I get it. I do but I don't. Hell...I never even knew you were into women! I...I feel like I don't even know you, Lena, and my heart is broken. I knew I had to deal with your broken heart over Will leaving you and the kids. I was okay with that, but you wouldn't even introduce me to your own kids! I wouldn't abandon them, Lena, but the thing is, you just don't trust me. You don't. And I don't know, but I think you need to search your heart and be honest once and for all with what's really going on inside there. And you can't do it with me. I'm sorry."

"What are you saying, John?" I whimper as the tears keep flowing, and I feel as if I can't breathe. "Are you leaving me, too?"

He shakes his head before leaning in to kiss my forehead. "Lena, you are in love with someone else, and I can't be your consolation prize. I can't be that man who settles as your second choice just because your true love is taken. I just can't. I deserve better than that, and so do you."

"John, please..."

He pulls away as he shakes his head. "No, Lena. I really do wish you well. I do. And I really hope you fight for what you want and who you want because you deserve everything. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a break finally in this life. You do! And...and you deserve to smile again, genuinely smile, and you deserve to hug on someone you truly love and be there for them. It's okay. I've battled with this decision, but I can't be selfish. I have to let you go. Goodbye, Lena."

He slowly walks towards his door, and my entire body is shaking as I don't realize just how hard I'm crying. "John, don't go! Please don't go! I was so wrong! You make me happy!"

"I love you, Lena," he says sadly as he walks into his house and shuts the door, and all I can do is fall to his porch floor and bury my face in my hands. When will I get a break? And why do people insist that I still love that woman? All I know is that I'm done with her ruining my life and happiness. I have to let her go for good. Maybe...maybe I did need to find a woman as well to be with. But was there anyone out there for me?

As I head home and try to compose myself I start to wonder how I became like this. Ten years ago I felt I had it all together when we lived on base. Well at least I thought I did but looking back maybe I didn't. I had jumped into my marriage with Will because he was, "safe." And I never thought of the outcome of doing that. Yes he gave me two beautiful children and sadly he was somewhere homeless which made me feel terrible but maybe I was never together.  If I was maybe I had not married him and maybe I had married someone else. Whatever it was this was the last straw for me and I was determined to turn over a new leaf. I would start my life and start it now. The life I always wanted for me and for my children.