Zanvis || Colors

41

[ b e d r i d d e n ]
[ triggers: self harm, telling someone to self murder, intense dream ]

Travis and i went to bed kind of awkward, i wasn't sure what the matter was, he didn't mention anything bothering him. I was nervous to ask. We were laying in bed, both facing the ceiling awkwardly knowing well we were both awake. I decided to get balls and start the conversation by asking if he was alright.
"Why cant you sleep? Everything okay?"
"Yeah i guess, just thinking about a lot right now.." He said, still staring deep into the smoothed ceiling.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, now turning my head to look at my white haired lover, who would usually be asleep by now.
"I don't want to hurt you by talking about it.." He faced me too. I glanced around the room for a second, then back at him. "I don't think anything else can hurt me, love. If you have something on your mind you can tell me. Or you can just wait until tomorrow and tell the therapist."
"No it's something you and i should talk about, getting the courage to say it is another story.." He explained. I propped myself up on my arm and looked at him.
"You can tell me, Travis. You know i don't like going to bed when there is a problem.." Which was true. I hated when there was something wrong. It hung in the air like a thick fog, so thick it was separating us. Which is why i hate it. I gave him the sad eyes. He tried not to look at me but he eventually did.
"Fine.. I asked Gene earlier how you were when you hung out and he said you were in a bad place. And i-i just really can't tell if you got better or got a better poker face. I really am hoping it's the first option because if i let you act this long and i couldn't see you were hurting im going to feel and look terribly stupid." He started to tear up. I could hear it in the slight hiccup in his voice.
"Travis, love, i wasn't faking being okay.. I was in a bad spot when i went to hang out with Gene and a bad spot now. The whole time in between i was happy because i was with you.." I explained. I wanted to caress his cheeks and pull him into a tight hug but I figured it wouldn't help.
"B-But what about when you had s-sex with him?"
"W-What-?" I wasn't expecting him to bring this up right now.
"Gene told me you guys did stuff together when you were mad at me.." He hiccuped again, starting to cry. I did hug him this time..
"Baby please don't cry... we weren't together then.. And he didn't do anything, all it was was a blowjob.. I didn't last long and i was high.. If you want to do something like that just tell me. I never want to force anything onto you because of what happened. I want you to give the word and everything.." I explained, still holding him close. I was embarrassed to explain all of that but maybe if he knew it wasnt much maybe he'd feel better about it? I felt terrible talking about my affair with Gene because i knew it probably made him feel like he can't please me because he's afraid to, and i get why, he has the right, but i don't want that.
"A-Are you sure.? I thought you were in a bad place? I don't want to hurt you at all, Zane.." He said grabbing me tight.
"Im sure it's fine. We can do stuff whenever you want to.." I tried rubbing his head to calm him down. I found myself running my hands through his hair to help him fall asleep. He laid his head on my chest, i felt his body relax when he finally went to bed. I laid there looking at the ceiling for a few hours longer questioning my existence in the world. I had let Travis see the weak side of me, and i was trying to act alright for him but i let it slip. I showed how down i was. I am full of self hate that i need to keep inside until tomorrow.
God im so selfish, how could i put Travis through this? Just off yourself Zane youre nothing but a pathetic life form who thinks they're a guy. Just get it over with.. Satan take me in my sleep tonight. I beg you.
My thoughts yelled in my head. They were overwhelming, i felt like i was drowning. The bed was sinking under me and i felt like i was falling in deeper.. maybe i was really drowning. I had a tight grasp onto Travis, fear suddenly hit me. I couldn't leave Travis like this. He would never forgive me if he woke up with his boyfriend dead at his side. I felt myself slipping, eyes getting heavy. I fell asleep without being able to help it. I tried keeping my eyes open but I just couldn't do it anymore.
---
I was dreaming, I knew I was dreaming but I couldn't wake up. I was in the middle of nowhere, it was an empty horizon every direction I looked. I turned around suddenly, I was going to start in a direction, but there were stairs leading up to a bridge. Not seeing anyone else for miles, I decided to see if it would lead me to civilization. I climbed for what seemed like 10 minutes. I finally reached the top, which happened to be a 4 by 4 foot platform, I looked down further to see cars zooming under me. I was on top of the Golden Gate Bridge, the fourth tallest bridge in the US. Jump Zane, no one loves you. Not dad, not me, not even mom. I heard Garroth's voice echo, but I couldn't see him. It kept getting louder as he repeated the same things over and over again. Eventually I tried covering my ears so I couldn't hear it but it was no use. No one loves you Zane! Just leave this world! You're in the way! Waste of space, money, time, energy- youre a waste!! The voice started changing into Travis's honey smooth vocals. He sounded so angry he was crying. Youre hurting me Zane- Please quit im trying and trying but you never listen, you aren't getting better! Stop hurting me! Stop dragging me down I cant stand it anymore! Just jump already! I was crying but now I was screaming, begging for it to stop. I heard the voices more clear now, so I turned around and there Travis was, face wet with trails of tears, eyes red from crying but his brows furrowed like he was furious. He reached out grabbing my shoulders tight, I could feel his grasp as if it were real. And in a calm tone he said, "Just kill yourself, Zane." My blood ran cold, I didn't know what to say. Without hesitation I stepped backwards off the small platform. I wasn't afraid, in fact I felt nothing at all. I fell in the water, sinking to the bottom of the river. I felt the oxygen leave my body. I was drowning. The water started draining like some type of bathtub and I was back where I started: the empty horizon. I sat up and Travis was there again. He grabbed my arms tight once more, this time shaking me a bit. But he stopped and stuck his hand out. I stood up, looking to see what was in his hands and it was my pocket knife. I glanced up at him, eyes burning from tears. "finish the job before you hurt me again." Again he left me with no choice. It was me or him, and I didn't want to hurt him ever again because of what he's been through. I grabbed the pocket knife out of his hand...