Zanvis || Colors

53

[ s o m e m i s t a k e s ]
[ triggers: depression, smoking ]

I cracked my window at 4 in the morning, smoking the white and orange, paper rolled tobacco product. I didn't want to ever get caught so I made sure I did as many things as possible to hide the smell of the smoke. I felt a weird presence, looking around confused. What ghost would want to come here?
"Zane? Can you hear me?" I heard a ghostly voice echo out.
"Oh.. Terry.. Yeah I can hear you. Why are you here?" I asked confused. I had the cig in my hand still.
"Youre smoking now?" he sounded surprised. I threw it out the window once I was done with it and blew the smoke out. "no.." i lied, "anyway why are you here?"
"Travis needs you. He is lost without you.. he just cant see it.."
"Ill do my best sir, but I know he wants nothing to do with me anymore.. Ill try when he wakes up. Will you let me know when he does?" I ask confused if that was in his abilities.
"Yes. ill go back now." And with that he vanished.

---

I woke back up around 11am. I swore I felt my dad rub my forehead and tell me to get up for school, and I opened my eyes to see the sunlight coming through the windows.
"When did.. the walls become grey.? Wait dad- what day is it?"
"Hmm-? i think it's... sunday..?"
"Oh.. where is dad?" i sat up rubbing my eyes.
"Trav.. dad died months ago.."
"Oh...." I leaned over and grabbed the pill bottle off the nightstand instinctively and took the last three, then threw the empty bottle on the ground out of anger. I searched threw the drawer and found that there was another bottle in the back so i calmed down a bit. I started wondering around. I found the basement where the piano was. I forgot i knew how to play, i guess i haven't touched once since i was at Zane's house. Some random song popped into my head and i sat down on the bench. I ran my fingers over the keys and then just started playing the first thing that came to my mind.

---

Terry gave me a feeling or vision that Travis was awake, and he showed me that Travis was acting very confused today. I got dressed in long sleeves and put my leather jacket on. i let everyone know where i was going and walked out the door. I was nervous, what if i walked in and found Travis dead? What if he forced me out, tried hitting me, made fun of me.. I tried to put those thoughts out of mind as i approached the house. It had been a few days since i even talked to Travis. My heart raced more and more, each beat getting louder with every step i took closer to the front door. I knocked on it, then opened it, knowing if i just knocked he wouldn't open it even if it killed him. I peaked in the door and looked around. No sight of Travis in the living room or kitchen. I decided to step inside, "Travis..? It's Zane.. i wanted to check up on you, maybe talk about some things.." I said looking around. I went down the hall to the bedroom glancing in the bathroom as i walked past it. He wasn't in there either. I made it to the bedroom, pushing the door open the rest of the way, "Travis.?" There was no response and i did not see the white haired teen anywhere. The dresser drawer was open and i caught a glimpse of a familiar orange bottle.. I shakily opened the drawer all the way, taking the bottle and looking at the label.
Codeine-? Travis is taking pills?! Fucking Christ.. explains his mood swings i guess.
I couldn't just leave them there now that i knew he was taking them. Ever since he's been here he's probably been popping them left and right! Well, if i think about it, ive been smoking ever since we split so im in the wrong here too. I took the bottle putting it deep in my pocket. I walked back out of his bedroom and heard the piano keys. (you can play the music now if youd like) I must be deaf if i didn't hear this at first. I followed the sound and found a basement. I followed the music, He must be doing better if he's playing the piano. But when i heard the song he was singing it stopped me dead in my tracks standing there on the stairs as he sang the chorus.
"Young people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes.. Some mistakes get made, that's alright that's okay. You can think youre just in love when youre really just in pain. Some mistakes get made that's alright that's okay. In the end it's better for me that's the moral of the story, babe.." He sang softly as he played. I took one more step down as he continued to sing the next part. I just stared at him on the stairs, feeling tears form in my eyes and run down my cheeks uncontrollably.
Some mistakes get made. Some mistakes get made. Some mistakes get made. Some mistakes get made! Some mistakes get made! MISTAKE! MISTAKE! MISTAKE! im a mistake!! It rang over and over in my head. I hiccupped starting to cry, which made Travis stop singing and playing, looking up at me startled.
"Z-Zane- youre a-actually here..-"
Without hesitation i turned and ran up the stairs, balling my eyes out.
"Zane wait!" I heard Travis call after me but i was gone. I ran out the door, leaving it wide open. I ran away. I didn't care where it was i just ran.
"It wasn't about you! Please come back! Zane listen to me! I need you..."

~~~

I was singing the lyrics, "It's funny how a memory turns into a bad dream. When running wild turns volatile. Remember how we painted our house? Just like my grandparents did, so romantic, but we fought the whole time. Should have seen the signs. talking with my mother she said, "whered you find this guy?" I said, "some people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes.. some mistakes get made-", i heard a slight gasp like sound, startling me and causing me to turn towards the noise, "Z-Zane- youre a-actually here..-" I was flustered, embarrassed he heard. He probably came to check on me and this is how i was greeting him, by singing a song about him. He was actually crying, a single tear fell down his cheek. He turned and ran up the stairs.
"Zane wait!" I tried running after him, but he was already out the door and running down the street by the time i made it upstairs. i haven't step foot outside the house since Gene found me.. I didn't even step outside the doorway, just yelled after him. "Please come back! Zane listen to me! i need you..."
i wasn't just going to aimlessly run after him. I could try to text him though- yeah.
Me: zane
Me: zane listen to me! i didn't mean it like that
Me: zane cmon please text me im sorry and i mean it
(missed call)
(missed call)
(missed call)
(missed call 4)
(missed call 5)
Me: zane answer me please!
I was stressing out, i went to take a chill pill literally. I opened the drawer and saw an empty red and white pack of cigarettes.
"What the hell..?"
"These are Zane's." demon said with certainty.
"How do you know?! Zane wouldn't do that would he?!" I started panicking and hyperventilating. Also angry because Zane took the other bottle of pills and replaced it with his empty pack of cigarettes.
"Well i don't fucking know! Youre addicted to codeine so why is anything Zane does surprising to you?!"
"I don't know! what are we going to do now?" I started crying and breathing heavy more. I turned around after feeling watched, it was the black shadow my dad now was. "Did you know he was smoking..?" He didn't say anything, or move at all. He just stood there, i could tell he was staring at me. "You were right dad.. I pushed everyone away! And now Zane is hurt bad because of me..! I hurt his feelings again.." I fell to my knees crying. I messaged Zane over and over again he didn't answer. I felt terrible but i texted Lucinda.
Me: Lucinda.. it's Travis.. Zane ran away i don't know where he is..
Lucinda: Oh, well he should be on his way, were going out together today.
Me: oh okay.. well thats good..
Lucinda: Yea everything is fine, thanks for your concern.

~~~

"Lucinda he called me a mistake!" I cried. I was sitting on her bed and she came over, standing in front of me hugging me, i pressed my wet face into her stomach and she hugged me and rubbed my head.
"It's okay, baby.. you know you aren't a mistake don't you? You can't dwell on garbage like that! If he won't confront you then he's the coward." in situations like this, she didn't argue with me, she just listened and comforted me. She didn't give me any advice on how to solve the situation until i was calmed down. I wasn't sure if her agreeing with Travis directly calling me the mistake was what i needed to hear right now or her telling me Travis was being as big as a piece of shit as i was. Thinking back on it, he might not have been, but in the moment that's what it seemed like and it made everything so much worse. I reacted so quickly and in the worst way possible.
"I-I loved him, Lucy..-" I sniffled and hiccupped.
"I know baby it hurts... do you wanna smoke and cuddle with your bestest friend, Lucinda?" She asked, i nodded. Lucy went to grab the weed and her bowls. She handed it to me fully packed, and we turned on the tv and started to smoke, forgetting how shitty life was. This would only mask the amount of pain i was feeling for a moment. I wanted death to come sooner, it wasn't coming fast enough for my liking.