Zanvis || Colors

43

[ l e a v i n g ]
[ triggers: talk of suicide, and blaming someone else ] 

Few days later
Travis and I have been meditating recently and it's really helpful. Thanks to Lucinda weve been living a little more like a practitioner; meaning we are like witches but the term witch is offensive..? But in Lucinda's case she is like a real witch, casting spells and uses magic. Practitioners use crystals, incense, essential oils, anything holistic pretty much. We also have been making 'spells' for healing. They're mostly jars with herbs, crystals, and salts with melted wax on top. We finished homework and then started meditating. I couldn't say I was thrilled to be alive but I was doing better than normal. And recently I brought up the idea that we could fix up Travis's house and he could live there or we could live there together, which we started recently. It just has paint in one room so far:  the living room. He wanted it painted grey so any bright color furniture and other décor could match. But I would like to mention that Travis and I haven't been agreeing on too many things anymore. Ive been vaping more and more, and trying to reach out to Gene and Lucinda more. Like right now. I was laying on my bed after meditating, texting Gene about pods.
"Zane, do you still love me.?"
"What? Trav of course I do. Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't know.. youre always on your phone.."
"Travis do you really think id cheat on you with your best friend's older brother?"
"Well I mean.. no I guess not but.. we still aren't really a couple yet ya know.."
"Do you want to make it official? I assumed it would be harder on us but if you want to..?"
"No youre right. Im gonna go to the bathroom really quick.." He said and walked away. I didn't know what else to say so I messaged Gene again.
Me: Travis thinks im cheating on him with you.
Gene: are you?
Me: what kinda question is that?
Gene: well do you still have feelings for me or what?
Me: no- gene no. I was gonna ask you for pods again
Gene: im sorry I cant.. im out too. the plug hasn't messaged me in a few days.
Me: okay. how bad are withdrawals?
Gene: depends on if you feel like you need it or not.
Me: great.. thnx anyway tho.

Travis came back in smiling on his phone. Talking to Dante I assumed. "Im gonna go get a drink ill be right back." I explained, now leaving Travis in my room with the door shut.

~~~

Zane left the room and it was my perfect time to check his phone. I hated doing this, I didn't want it to come to this but I felt like I had to.. I unlocked his phone and went to his messages with Gene. I saw that he was after more pods almost every week.
"WTF?"
I don't know, Demon.. this has to stop..
Zane came back into his room shocked once he saw his phone in my hand.

~~~

"Travis what are you doing? Were you looking through my phone? Are you serious?"
"Well I didn't want to but you text Gene all the time.. youre a good liar when it comes to your feelings I wanted to make sure you weren't lying about Gene too.."
"Thanks Travis, just thanks. I can't believe you thought I would cheat on you with Gene. I already said Gene is your best friend's brother. Why would I do that to you?"
"I don't know because you let him take your virginity-"
"Do you want to have sex Travis? If that is what this is about then I will I guess. I just want you to be happy."
"No- I don't want that.. Demon wants that but I don't yet-"
"Well then control him!"
"What do you think im trying to do?! You have no idea how hard it is to live with a demon! Im leaving." He said suddenly, he grabbed his phone and hoodie and started walking out.
"Where are you going?" I was somewhat shocked but still mad.
"Home." He said walking down the stairs and out the door. I didn't know what to do. I let just let him leave.
God dammit i knew it! He hates me. It's my fault he isn't doing any better.. he hates me. god he hates me he hates me he hates me!
I sat in my room and cried instead of doing something stupid.. I wanted to do something stupid to feel better but i didn't for now. I knew Travis would hate me if he found out i did or he'd just blame himself and the cycle would start over again.

I was in the same empty abyss, no one around. "No i cant be here again-" I thought i told you to kill yourself, Zane?! Why are you still here?! You hurt me so much.. were over. I never want to see your stupid face ever again! Travis's voice echoed. I covered my ears and tried running. I had to stop because there was a mirror in front of me. I looked at myself, i saw myself in only my binder in boxers. I looked so fat. I turned around and there was a mirror again, but time all my scars red so i could see the amount of cuts on my body over the years of harming. I turned to the right, i was in a bra and panties. To my left i was a starving to death. "Make it stop please!" No, Zane, look at how ugly you are! "You aren't real!" Yes i am! I pushed the mirror over, starting to run away. There was a noose by itself and a chair under it.
"If this is what you want me to do then i will!" I got up on the chair and put the rope around my neck ready to jump off the chair. I saw travis in front of me with a gun in his hands. im committing suicide, zane and it's your fault.
"TRAVIS NO!!" But i was no use, he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. I screamed, i didn't know what else to do. Right as i was going to step off the chair i woke up...

"Zane- Zane wake up-" I heard a familiar voice. That voice belonged to Garroth, who ran in my room and had me in his arms hugging me.
"G-Garroth- Travis- he he.. shot himself- he told me it was my fault-" I was shaking and sweating but freezing. I clung to Garroth as tight as i could. I felt him put his arms around me, this hasn't happened in awhile but it was nice. "It's okay now.. it was just a nightmare okay?" He held me tight until i stopped shaking. I wasn't expecting to like this as much as i did. I still hated Garroth of course but he was my brother.. and it showed he wanted me to be okay no matter how much we fought.. I know he wanted forgiveness and this wasn't going to make me forgive what he did so fast, but it was a start... without mom or travis here to calm me down, he was the next best thing.
"Youre okay now.." We remained in this bodily reunion. he held the back of my head like mom would when she worry hugged me.