u know i had to do it--
--------------
Kari laid on her bed on a Saturday morning, home alone.
Tai was with their friend group.
Her parents were out.
She told Tai she was too tired to go out.
She just didn't feel good. She felt scared and awake and miserable.
She didn't wanna be around people...
She wasn't tired at all. She could barely close her eyes for a few seconds without opening them again and staring at the ceiling.
She felt like an owl at nighttime. Awake and alert.
Kari finally got up after a moment's silence. "I'm going insane," She muttered to herself as she walked to the bathroom.
She was in usual clothes,she could go outside. An oversized pink crop-top and lavender shorts. Yellow boots. She wore her camera and her necklace around her neck. Her hair was growing. It nearly reached her shoulders now.
She could have gone out with Tai and everyone else if she so wanted.
Everyone said she was beautiful. Cute.
yeah, sure she was. And Becky was kind.
She didn't see it.
She wanted to break the mirror. She wanted to rip apart her reflection and pretend she wasn't there.
She wanted to stab the person staring back at her.
She wanted to scream, just looking at her reflection.
The young girl wanted some sort of closure, reassurance?
But how could she get that, if she was so afraid of telling people how she felt?
So afraid of being made fun of?
She remembered when the group found out she carried a stuffed bear with her. The older kids "awww"'d. Some of the younger kids laughed, others made aww-ing noises. Some just smiled and stayed quiet.
She could barely even imagine what they'd say if she told them she was afraid of sudden noises and had a hard time talking to people.
Kari might as well have screamed that she was insane.
She wanted to cry, and she did.
Big,fat tears rolling down her face as she sobbed, crossing her arms and looking down.
She leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. She brought her knees up to her chest and sobbed even harder.
She sobbed, and even screamed.
She was a glass figure being slammed into the ground, breaking apart into a million pieces, the cold floor the only thing catching her fall.
Good thing she was all alone. No one there.
of course, with her breakdown, she didn't hear a thing. But, as she stood up, tears still strolling down her pale face...
The door opened.
Kari never felt more afraid. Please don't be Tai. Please don't be her parents.
She stood up.
Please let it be her imagination.
Yet there was laughing and jokes.
It was the whole group.
She might as well have written a suicide note and handed it personally to them, smiling and explaining she was going to jump off a bridge.
She kept as quiet as possible, but she hiccuped and tears streamed down her face again.
"Did you guys hear that?" It was Davis. He had snickered softly when he saw Kari's bear. He was always so happy...
"Yeah, it came from the bathroom..." That was Tai. He was silent, he had a grim face while others laughed. He almost seemed to be saying 'i'm sorry.'
"I thought you said we'd be here alone?" Matt's voice, he'd awwed quietly.
"Kari wasn;'t with us,maybe it's her." Sora's voice, she'd been quiet but she smiled.
Remembering the actions, Kari let out a loud, harsh sob. Footsteps were heard, then gasps.
Tk looked nearly heartbroken at the sight of Kari's state.
bloodshot-red eyes and tear-stained face, messy hair and lip quivering.
"Kari?" Yolei asked gently. Kari just looked up slowly.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'M SORRY!" She had repeated, practically screaming at that last part.
Everyone took a step back, giving her space.
"Kari," Izzy whispered calmly, "What's causing you to feel this way?"
Almost everyone was surprised that it was him to speak up; he was horrible with emotions.
"I... Everything's scary, people are loud, I can't sleep, I'm always wide-awake, I feel like I'm breaking, I'm on my last straws, I can't do this anymore. I'm never enough, I'll never be enough...."
Kari had spilled it out, word by word, the sentences flowing quickly.
Tai had to cover his mouth by the time she got to 'i'll never be enough', because otherwise he would have sobbed. How long had his baby sister felt this way?
Izzy sighed softly, "That's called anxiety. It's okay. A lot of people have it. It's okay to talk about. You'll always be enough." He reassured. He didn't lecture, use big words, or anything else. No calculations, percentages...
Kari sighed, shaking a bit, "I never look good enough, even, I don't like myself..."
Matt took over there, "Kari, one thing,please, one thing you find beautiful about yourself."
"nothing. I'm not beautiful and I never will be. I won't find anything good about myself..."
Matt stepped forward and grabbed her by the shoulders.
"If you can't find anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror. Look a little closer. stare a little longer! Because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit!"
Kari's eyes filled with tears again.
"Kari, why didn't you tell us?" Hitaru finally asked.
Kari Kamiya broke all over again.
"Because I thought you'd send me to a mental hospital! I might as well have handed you a personally written suicide note! BECAUSE OF THE BEAR!" Kari screamed.
"The stuffed one?" Tk questioned.
"YES! THE ONE YOU ALL MADE FUN OF ME FOR! THE ONE THAT MAKES ME FEEL SAFE! THE ONE I NEVER HOLD IN CLASS ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU ALL MADE ME FEEL STUPID AND CHILDISH FOR IT!"
Everyone went quiet. Matt let go of her.
"why didn't you say anything?" Cody asked gently.
Kari stiffened. "Because I thought you'd make fun of me again," she whispered.
Tai hugged her tightly.
"Kari, if you are ever on the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on, hold on and scream that you need another rope, we will bring you one, because we never EVER mean to hurt you," He said. His voice cracked.
Kari hugged back and held on. She nodded.
"... We're sorry." Davis told her simply.
"It's okay," Kari whispered, "I'm sorry too."
"Don't say that." Sayako said, "YOU don't have to be sorry. We do."
Kari nodded.
It was gonna be okay...
