The Last Mermaid

~ 82 ~

This is a scary world, and I do not know what to believe. I turn my head inside out, looking for people, feeling as if I'll be lost in the floating sea of my thoughts forever. 

Ever feel as if nothing is real and everything is real at the same time? I've found myself floating above dialectics of thought. I've seen myself in counselor after counselor. I've never been able to form a solid sense of identity because, if I do, I'll be silenced. I'll silence myself, I'll be silenced by others. I've never formed a strong sense of identity

What is identity? What is group?

When you get involved in a group, what are you risking? You are giving emotional involvement to that group. You are trusting the group with a variety of secrets, secrets of which they turn against you. 

Human relationships can be such a volatile thing, so much so that you can be suffering trauma from the lasting affects of a group. From the minute that you ascribe to that group, you are ascribing to a sense of continuity among yourself and others. There needs to be a shared consensus. You will be prescribed your role, from which you will function anew.

You may tell the people of old about your new role. You may describe it, ascending from the heavens of your new exalted state, "I have found a new role in life! I'm miraculously cured!"

For me, it was psych meds. I had taken a turn from a right wing, religious extremist to someone that was on medication. I had found humility! I had found strength! I would address my racist issues, my craziness, my definite privilege of wealth.

How come I never found a place, nor a group of friends, that would like me for who I am?

Perhaps it's that I come from divorced parents, and their parents being divorced as well. Maybe, perhaps from the moment that I was born, I came with a sense of lacking. There was something about me - perhaps it was that I was predisposed to drink, maybe I would get depressed, too judgmental, but I knew that there would be something about me that would be unlovable. Something about me that would be replaced by a Denisovan - someone shorter, exotic, probably a Pisces. 

I came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me. I wasn't as sociable as other people! That meant I was an INTJ! It said so right on the test, so it must have been true. Nevermind the fact that I had no way of studying for tests to save my life, and that most of the INTJs I knew were good at school, I still looked at others around me as if there was an air about me different from others. 

Come highschool, I tell myself that I was foolish for having my Democrat beliefs, and my parents converted me to Conservativism. So, when I find myself in a mental hospital, who's the first guy I throw myself to take my virginity? (He didn't have my race.)

And before you call me a racist, it had NOTHING to do with race. I thought this was the PERFECT guy! He was a Christian, he valued that I had stayed a virgin (up to this point), he wanted to "raise a family" (these were his words, not mine.) But, nevertheless, it didn't work out. My psychiatrist's words "Two sickies do not make a wellie." Well oh well, right o Psychiatrist, get me on Ambilify, so I can have TONS of affairs with other people while my ex slut shames me around the school.

"Oh" you say, "Psych meds don't do that." I'm not going to even have that conversation with you right now.. because who cared? Who cared that I was TRYING to get better? That I was TRYING for the first time in my life to be liked when I've spent a LIFETIME trying to figure out why I'm not like normal people? Perhaps it was my stepfather, or my father, who REALLY FUCKING KNOWS!?

Well, I fell in love. I fell vastly in love with someone that shared a different opinion than mine. For all the differences in the world, he felt the same. Maybe we WERE the SAME!

Do you get where I'm going with this? I was obsessed with him. To this day... I'm still obsessed with him. I've gotten off my meds successfully for years... I've been moving away from religion, back and forth, back and forth to spirituality feeling that I shouldn't have to settle. No, I shouldn't have to be stuck with my ex boyfriend. Why do I allow myself to be abused? I must have a low self esteem... bad bellatuscana... BAD BELLATUSCANA!

By the end of this story, you should know that bellatuscana has written 20 books on Wattpad. She's done a lot of other things too... but no luck. Bellatuscana goes onto being a teacher. Bellatuscana goes onto being a waitress. Bellatuscana has a one night stand with a guy that owns a bar in Miami... and here we are.

It's amazing... amazing... how life can make no sense doesn't it? I thought that I would be at a place that I could understand now. I wonder, where the "Cult Leaders" right? Maybe we let the Cabal take over the world. Maybe the world itself is an illusion. It MUST be. Cause they're they are now...  floating away. Is that right? They are floating away?

I always thought it was a punishment to be here. A major embarrassment. Full of miserable people that don't know anything, and I'm the WORST of them all. I'm absolute hell... an embarrassment to those around me. Why can't I be normal? 

Why can't I be normal? Why can't I date? Why can't I make friends? Why do I have to be too smart for my own good? 

I ask myself this, wandering through the empty streets of Miami. Now they are gone. Now I realize.. I've absorbed too much of this world. None of this made sense, and me the last thing - the Goddess of Human Sense... now fading into the mist.