The Last Mermaid

~ 53 ~

Time moves quick. One moment, we are alive and healthy. The next, we can't move our legs. MS started slowly. 

As I grew up, I got progressively weaker. I could no longer ride a bike; even had trouble standing up. 

They took me to chiropractors, massage therapists, and specialists. None could solve the problem of my deteriorating spine. 

It was made clear that I would have a short lifespan, but they couldn't decide when I would die. Was it my teens? My 20's? Would it even matter if I lived until my 30's?

I watched my brothers and sisters grow up. I sat in the shadows of their successes. I hung out with some friends, or discussed books with older people.

People would say that I am very wise for my age. I even befriended famous authors!

So why then, why did I feel so angry?

It's as if I've been forced into this position - this role of the disabled one. I am a mirror - not just onto my family, but onto others as well, strangers even. God is using me to help other people. 

I enjoy this. In other senses, I am a fighting a losing game. A battle to never be defeated with death. 

I will never travel, try different jobs, receive an education, find love, nor will I ever raise a family. 

Those things are not allowed for me. I can find some comfort in writing a blog and sharing my poems, but even then the death will come. 

I did not know, however, that I would also be diagnosed with Cancer. 

I spend my last remaining times with my family. They can't help but cry when they are around me. 

I want t stay longer, but then again, it'll be a big relief to them when I go. 

...

It all happened so fast when I actually went. One minute, I am in the hospital. The next, I am above my body, and there's no way for me to find the way back in. 

My heart suddenly stops. The doctors and nurses rush to revive me. My family members cower to tell me they love me. 

There's nothing I can do. There's a light, blazing and blinding. I do not want to go. 

I see the heavenly crown through which I rise - sitting at the top is God, surrounded by angels and an assortment of heavenly hosts. 

At the top is God. He is a warm, enveloping light. 

I merge with him, becoming one with consciousness and heart

Then it slowly goes down again, descending to the butterflies which lead me to the cold darkness and dust that made me. 

I am now an angel. I watch over the new souls that enter into heaven, as well as the old souls that sit asleep - awaiting judgement, believing that they are dead 

I sometimes wish I were one of the asleep, but I have an obligation I must fulfill