Defenceless l.s

Thirty Seven

The tears rushed down Louis's face as his breathing became more ragged with every moment that passed. He wiped them away with the back off his hand but the flow stayed consistent. He grabbed the pillow so hard he thought he might actually rip it apart but he didn't care cause it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore and Louis hated it, hated how he couldn't seem to find a liking in anything; things he used to care about so dearly was now just a waste of time or space and he hated everything about it. 

Everything had an odd kind of sentimental value to him, not in the sense that he had any great memories or experiences attached to them, but whatever he looked at, even if it was only a few weeks old Louis got this weird feeling in his chest. This longing that he couldn't get rid of and he would start to make up these memories that seemed so real cause he would spend hours crafting the perfect story. Sometimes it wasn't even his own, he would just take a good memory of when he was younger and replace the people so it matched his life now. Or he would see a scene in a movie or read a book or a story on the internet and make up his own version of it where everything was the way he wanted it.

Sometimes he would get so lost in his head that he didn't even notice what was going on around him which had become a slight problem, but he didn't care because at least in his head, he wasn't as pathetic. He buried his face in the pillow, trying to muffle his sobs. He really didn't need to hear the pathetic sounds he was letting out as he cried. It just made everything feel a thousand times more real. 

Eventually his sobs died down a bit, just enough for him to ease his grip on the soaked pillow. He took a couple of deep breaths as his chest rose up and down. He sniffled a couple of times before bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapped his thin arms tightly around them, shivering slightly. Closing his eyes with a shaky sigh, Louis got lost in his little word, trying to drift further away to a peaceful slumber.

Louis opened the fridge for something light to eat since his head was spinning like crazy and he couldn't focus on the show he was watching. He sighed deeply when he realized that they barely had any food. He poured himself a glass of orange juice as he pondered on if he should go to the store or not. He really should go but he wasn't feeling like it at all. When he heard the keys rustle by the door, he made up his mind. 

Sometimes he would feel really guilty for wanting to be away from Liam, he didn't quite understand why eather. One moment he would break down because Liam wasn't there with him and the next he wished he could just move to another country and start over where he would never see him again. But he shouldn't be feeling this way, Liam was his boyfriend, the love of his life and he should want to be around him. He just didn't understand. Louis closed his eyes and as he felt the slight burning behind his eyes and exhaled loudly before reluctantly opening his eyes again.  

He took a sip of the juice as he waited for Liam to come in. He made a face as the liquid ran down his throat. It tasted funny, Louis didn't know if it was because it was outdated or because it was the first thing he had eaten in two days. He had bought himself a packet of gum he would chew on when he got too hungry, it also helped with the bad breath that came with the lack of food. 

Louis braced himself as Liam entered the room. They made brief eye contact  before Louis couldn't take it anymore and averted his eyes. He grabbed the glass he had put down on the counter and took a sip just to have something to do. Liam slumped down on one of the chairs so he was facing Louis. He chugged down the rest of the drink before filling the glass with water and put it in the sink. "I'm going to the store," he informed quietly as he walked past Laim out to the hall. 

"Wait!" Liam's voice boomed through the flat. He closed his eyes and waited for whatever he was about to do. He heard Liam's heavy steps as he stomped his way there. He must've seen the uneasy look on Louis' face cause his lips pulled into a smirk and he let out a throaty chuckle. "What? Are you scared?" He asked in a mocking voice and Louis could feel the faint smell of Whiskey in his breath. He gulped down the growing ball of fear in his throat and backed away as Liam got closer, stumbling over some shoes before his back hit the wall.

Liam trapped him between his arms just like he had a couple of days ago. He scanned Louis' face for a moment with a mischievous look in his eyes that Louis could not quite read and before he knew it he felt a blow to his stomach. He groaned in pain and wrapped his arms around himself and leaned forward, resting his head on Liam's shoulder. He chuckled again, "maybe that'll help you lose weight," he laughed loudly and strutted away leaving Louis alone in the hallway.  It took him a moment to catch his breath before he slipped on his shoes and ran out the door. 

He blinked away the tears in his eyes as he ran down the stairs and out to his car where he sat for a moment before his phone started to ring. Louis jerked in his seat before pulling his phone out of his pocket to see Zayn's number flash on the screen. He had memorized it since he didn't want Liam to find his contact. He cleared his throat and answered the phone, "hi!" he said as happily as he could.

"Hey, what's up?" He asked.

"Nothing much, just going to the store," he explained.

"Oh, wanna hang out later today?" He asked and Louis closed his eyes as he tried not to sigh. 

"Um. . . I can't today. I'm sorry," Louis said, feeling extremely guilty as he heard Zayn sigh a little.

"What about tomorrow?" 

"I'm sorry but I really can't." Zayn didn't say anything after that and Louis had to check if he was still on the line. 

"We can meet up next week," he said and immediately wanted to slap himself. Why would he say that? 
"Yeah, uh, I have the afternoon off on friday," he said and now he really just wanted to get hit buy a fucking buss. He decided to just take the afternoon off so Liam wouldn't find out and he could spend a couple of hours with Zayn. He could just pretend to be sick or something. Louis felt like a little school kid again as he sat there and made up a plan so he didn't have to go to work, but that was fine, Louis quite liked that feeling. So with a happy Zayn on the line Louis started the car and drove off to the store.