Card Tricks (Hisoka x Reader) Book 2 of The Magician and The Dragon

XXXV

Your POV

To some, it's just clothes, you're supposed to grow out of them. It's part of life. That's not what bothers me, what's bothering me is the lightning-like lines plaguing my boobs, thighs, back, and hips. 

I've always hated my stretch marks, only because I've been told multiple times how indecent and horrific they are. Normally I'd take what the walking cyborg of an excuse for a woman says to me with a grain of salt, but it's different when I've been told this by other people especially males in my younger days.

"No one wants a girl with stretch marks"

"Coverup those distasteful marks,"

"Whose daughter is she?  Surely can't be Daya, that woman was the poster woman for elegance and beauty, yet her excuse for a daughter is the complete opposite,"

You could imagine the damage that did to my self-esteem and confidence. I will admit, I did get a few people who admired my figure for its elegance and how well it looked in form-fitting outfits. And I will admit, I do have lovely curves, I wouldn't go as far as to say that they're envied by anyone, but yeah. With mom gone, my support system wasn't really functional so there wasn't really anyone in my corner on that. Illumi would try, but he never really knew how to do those things. Still, he did make things more bearable. 

The other men in this family had the tendency to not interfere with female issues. The funny thing about it, is that no one dared say those things while my fathers were around, they'd snicker in the corner about it sure, but they'd never let themselves get caught, or else they would have to face the wrath of a Kazumi and Zoldyck. 

Why didn't I say something? Simple, I was convinced they were right. There wasn't anyone around to show me differently either.  

I was a child, just trying to fit into the world, so I ended up using a cream to help hide them as well as weight loss supplements to get rid of the extra weight. It's silly, I know how it sounds, but even so, and I've said this before, I hide all these things so people don't see me as weak. The heiress of a well-known assassin clan can't have flaws, she's expected to be perfect. She has to be stronger than the rest, wittier, charming but not flirty, and god forbid she shows a little skin. 

That last one I started doing on purpose out of pure spite, and it just ended up becoming part of my personality. Don't get me wrong, I have my days where I know I look good, but that's as rare as Illumi being very vocal in a conversation. 

So why do I feel this way about my body? Simple, the same reason I second guess myself all the time.

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High Expectations that I can never meet. 
Not even if I tried my entire life to meet them.

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They never stop. They just seem to keep growing, piling onto me. Just as I get over one, three more get thrown at me. Not giving a fuck is one of my traits, but some scars run deeper than they appear and the slightest graze against the surface wound can hurt deeply. 

Sometimes I wonder if I would be a better version of myself if mom were still here, maybe one that isn't completely fucked up yes, but would I be stronger, weaker?