Results Of A Decade Attraction • Moon Taeil

6

The reflection of my bare body in the photo makes me want to vomit blood. The nakedness engulfed my body when I took the picture after showering earlier today, but now, here in Taeil's house, looking at the picture forces a compressing thickness around my heart. I was born with the word insecurity, and till today the word embraces me the way my mother does.

Perhaps I'm exaggerating, even if pictures confirm unsaid facts.

I quickly get up, not wanting my thoughts to get the better of me.

When I take a step in the direction of the kitchen, a sudden force weakens my knees. I collapse, my body having no willpower to keep my legs up. It all happens so suddenly that my phone falls back first before I meet the floor.

The impact of my body crashing down slightly hurt, but I push it aside, quickly getting back up on my feet to save me the embarrassment.

For a second I prayed Taeil hadn't come out of his room, but to my misfortune he stands a metre away from me with a cup of steamy, hot tea. Our eyes meet, only for a slight moment, until I scratch my head with my eyes trailing down. Why did he have to be here, at this moment? Did I not pray? I bite my cheek, perplexed by the unfortunate luck I have.

A loud dong hits in my head when I catch sight of my cellular device sitting no way far from the point of his foot. My breath becomes cold and chokes me mentally as my picture is still on display. Wiping out my previous thoughts, my goal becomes a mission to retract my phone back in care before Taeil dares.

Glancing up at him for a second, I see his eyes lower to his feet and that's when my life flashes before my eyes. Literally. My hands shake uncontrollably and my knees buckle, the sight of Taeil bending his back and using his free hand to grab my phone plays like a death scene in my eyes.

Swearing to have heard a quiet, what's this, leave his lips, my eyes shake in terror while he turns the phone from being upside down.

This moment my heart beats in my ears and attempting to get my phone back, my hands weakly come up though stop half way, making me look like a nervous idiot.

"Really..." my whisperer comes out so silently, making it inaudible to the human ear.

Taeil stares at the unprofessionally, ridiculous, shameful picture for a moment longer. His eyes motionless while observing every inch of the picture. He slides to the next, and the next where there's more shameless nudes, until he looks up. His eyes catches mine instantly.

With a lifted brow, he asks "You take nudes?"

"N-no, I really do-don't." I state, not confidently.

He only scoffs in sarcasm, handing my phone back where a picture of Taeyong's penis is on display. His feet move past me as he makes his way to his favourite spot on the couch.

The sound of him sipping decently on the tea used to make me go crazy, however today, it only makes me want to find a coffin in the grave yard and replace the skeleton with myself. The guy I love wholeheartedly has seen my nudity, before the man who actually needed to see it. Oh no.

I turn back to look at Taeil. He sucks in a breath with his hands rubbing against the cup. At first he stared blankly at the closed TV screen, until he turns to look at me. He raises an eyebrow, and I'm sure I look scared out of my wits, but the only thing that matters to me is what can possibly be on his mind right now. If it had been mother, I will ask her to let it out, but it is Taeil. With him I feel as if I have to maintain a certain decorum and that I can never step out of line.

Yes, he is the man I've loved for a whole decade but within that decade we hadn't bonded or interacted in any way. He sees me as nothing more than a stranger. That's all.

With wobbly feet and a shamed gaze, my eyes lower as I take steady steps forward. I pass Taeil cautiously, moving a few more steps before taking my seat at my usual spot. By now, I already forgot why I stood up in the first place.

Moments like this when Taeil casually sits on the couch as I study, I would feel butterflies and my feet would ache, and I would savour the feeling like the taste of eating a pie. However, now it's different. I am not even able to complete the homework given by the professor. All this because of... fear.

He needs to understand that I'm not a bad person. I cannot let him feel or think or see me as I was in the picture. And even if I can't believe I'm doing this, I have to.

"Taeil," I whisper, feeling like it echoes a million times. My hands slide up and down over the thick layer of my dress, and my eyes glue to the vibrant colours of the knee length clothing. For a first timer like myself, this is by far the most hardest activity this entire year. "That picture... those pictures you saw- it really is not what it looks like." I say quietly, even my voice sounds weird, like it is shaking and about to break.

I am sure the corner of my eye catches him adjusting himself on the couch, probably leaning his head back too. He stays still, so long that I feel like he did not hear me. My mental state kills me because of it.

"Do you like me?"

It comes out suddenly, my heart skipping several beats like a disastrous musical. The question itself threatens to kill me, maybe choking me before shooting me. Yet I still assume the question does not belong to me, like he could be on an unnoticed phone call, or he could be reading a text. Slowly looking in his direction, I expect to see the opposite of what reality is. He stares deeply into my eyes, and even if we sit a metre away from each other it feels like we are only separated by a brick.

I am tied between wanting to lie and telling the truth. If it happens that I confess and he rejects me, then what will become of my heart? I don't know, but it'd be worth a try.

"I... I li-" Interrupted by a unenthusiastic laugh I open my eyes, seeing him laugh with no expression on his face while looking up at the ceiling.

He breathes out, ending his laugh, "How did you expect me to respond to your previous redemption?"

Having furrowed brows and quivering teeth my eyes fill up watery as my thoughts shame me for actually having inner hopes that I may have a chance with him. Why did I even think he was serious? Was it his deceiving gaze that makes me go crazy every single day or was it my hormones doing the job for my heart.

"There's nothing to say about that picture and there's nothing to say to you. That's why I changed the topic," He adds calmly. When I look at him with tear filled eyes, the tears meant to stay slip out, rolling down my cheek. His expression is so normal and unamused or triggered by talking to me. His expression makes me feel like he thinks I'm trash and not worthy of his attention.

How can he be this cruel? I wonder, wiping the tear from my cheek. Unaware that something is making its way down my nostril, I sniff unintentionally. It catches his attention and makes him turn his head in my direction again. But I'm quick to turn my head, making sure that he does not see me. I don't know for sure if I'm doing this because I cannot bare to look at his face, if it is because I'm ashamed of my high hopes, if it is because I do not want him to see my face, or if I'm simply ashamed of living especially if I do not fit the social norms of this century.

There is a number of questions and thoughts in my head, distracting me from him. At this moment, there is not a single cell in my blood which suggests I stay here. I rather be at home, in the comfort of my mother or my bed.

"I," my voice is thin and miserably evident that I want to cry, "I'm going home now, thank you,"

Getting up and packing as quickly as I can, I do not waste a second more in there as soon as I'm done. Stepping out, the breeze hits my face and that is when I find myself breaking down.

I truly am a fool for being deceived so easily. I am truly a coward for having a soft heart.