Results Of A Decade Attraction • Moon Taeil

10

I lean my head against the car's cool window hoping to reprieve my rising temperature. Tears of all sort of negative emotions slide down my cheeks and I can't help but sniff. I don't want Kun to worry about me, nor do I want his attention by doing this. If I could I would switch of the emotions button, but it's impossible.

A hundred times in counting. That's the number of times I refrain from thinking of Taeil. A part of me is dying everytime I resist thinking of him, but a part of me is already dead. Some sort of numbness covers me entirely and as a result my temperature rises per minute.

By the time the car comes to a halt in front of the huge gate, the Qian mansion to be exact, I can swear that the place stopped looking like a millionaire's son's house and started looking intimidatingly threatening. I've been here three times in the past week, which was the day after Taeil and I had gone out.

The gates open to let the car in and I can see from the tinted windows how the watchman follows my face as the car drives in slowly. Did I bring gloom and perpetual doom into the mansion?

Without looking at me as we step out of the car, Kun leads me to the front door where two guards stand on either sides of the marvelously large French doors. They both bow to Kun, opening the doors right after. Similarly to how they ignored my polite head bow when I first got here, they do it again.

Something told me then and now that if the guards and maids treat me so crudely, I'm somehow the problem or evil eye that might cause this mansion's misfortune.

Inside the mansion Dong Si Cheng, Huang Xuxi and Xiao De Jun each have scowls on their faces. If I had not darted my eyes to Kun who stands near his friends, I would not have seen Kun gesturing for them to smile. I force myself from clicking my tongue in frustration after seeing that, because when I look at the three other man, they each have these evidently forced smiles. Except for Si Cheng, he barely tried, resulting in a poker face.

"Y/N will be staying here. I hope you all treat her well. She should feel at home when she sees you all." Kun's words come out shallow and hold no emotion, not even the slightest. My heart tightens at that and it takes me everything not to sulk. I cried enough and I don't plan on doing so for the rest of this month. "Y/N," Kun calls out to me. His head is hung low as he speaks, "I'll send someone to bring your bags up to our room. Meanwhile you can go to the kitchen, the helpers had prepared something."

I couldn't possibly decline to eating, even if I don't have the appetite. It's not at all that I'm desperate to eat, the problem is resisting. I, Y/N, am in a home were no one treats me in a caring manner. They act as if I brought the devil's eye. If I even try to resist, refrain or decline, what will they say?

By nighttime after the helpers settled my things neatly, I barely take a step out. At 9pm all the lights outside of the room are off and besides the ones outside the mansion, the ones in mine and Kun's room are brightly illuminating everything around us.

After I come out of the ensuite bathroom in my nightgown, Kun is already laying on the bed chewing on his nails. The nervous habit his mother told me about.

"I hope you don't mind having to share the bed?" He asks when he catches my stare.

A moment of hesitation is all I needed before shaking my head. He is only doing this because his mother said so.

To them, I am a Korean who can only speak Hangul. However I studied Mandarin as my First Additional Language and fortunately for me, I understand every single character falling out of their mouths. From his father demanding things to be done by Kun, to his friends insulting me, to the maids judging me, to Kun voicing out his distress.

Coming back to my senses I climb into the bed, making sure to be at the edge. There is no way I'm going to sleep comfortably and leave myself vulnerable to him. Not even in my dreams.

"When do you plan on giving birth or when exactly do you want to be intimate?" Kun asks staring up at the ceiling.

My mouth falls open, "I think I'm too young and I—"

"There's no time for those type of words. It'd be better if things are done sooner than later. Besides, there's more to marriage other than babies. If we get the baby thing sorted then we'll be able to focus on dowry, business, celebrations, getting to know each others' likes and dislikes. Remember that we only live once. In this lifetime things may not go our way, but we need to make the most of it.

"We may not say that we were forced into this marriage, but we both know it. Our parents needed a reason to merge the 'Big File Project' and fortunately for them, they had us to use. Now we are together. You and I are not yet legally married but in our parents eyes, we are. Besides normal married couple activities, the main focus is to give a grandson to our parents. When that's done there's nothing more to worry or feel anxious about." Kun explains. He isn't lying and he made sure to make sense with every follow up sentence.

"I understand you, Kun. Although I don't agree," I hesitate. Clasping my fingers together right after sitting up on the bed and resting my back on the head board, I continue, "You are a man... and I am a lady. We see the world differently. In my understanding from what you said, getting intimate with me doesn't seem like a big deal. But for me, it's a humongous deal.

"Forgive me for talking too much, but I can't just let you see my body. Even if it's for the sake of our parents 'grandchild' wish, I can't lose the little dignity I have left. Please try to understand," I say, looking down at the blanket over my legs.

The only reason I'm still resisting is because I'm holding back. I'm holding back. I've come to make the decision to take a step forward, but it's easier said than done.

Truthfully I did try to not think of Taeil, even if he was the only thing on my head. His smile, his voice, his eyes, heck even the way he sighs. Things were only getting started between us, right before Kun came into the picture.

I don't hold anything against Kun, but I will if he keeps pushing this. To me, getting into an arranged marriage is hard enough. Why would I possibly want to make it worse by discussing on making a baby?

"I see." He says firmly, "Now you need to change the way you see this baby making situation. I'm not asking you to have sex with me." I cringe at the word. "I'm asking for us to copulate. It'll be done quickly and it won't even take more than five minutes. Basically I'm trying to tell you that I'm not that type of man who wants to see beyond your clothing, instead I'm a man who doesn't want to delay anything."

Kun ends the discussion right on the dot. Turning to lay on his side. I don't want to admit it, but he's right, in his own way. Judging by his way of addressing a situation or confronting a topic, he definitely is a man who doesn't waste time. He simply wants everything done now.

I don't feel like I should stop resisting but I have to. I'm still emotionally attached to a man who doesn't see me the way I see him. Having myself in thick moments like this, my mother was there for me. But now she's not here, so I have to decide for myself.

Am I going to marry Kun with Taeil in my heart, or am I going to hopelessly keep resisting but end up being forced to be with Kun? In any case, both decisions lead to the same fate.

Marrying Kun.