I Hate Oliver Sykes (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

52. Womanizer, Or Maybe I'm just a B*tch...

When I woke up the next day, I felt heavy. Heavy as I dressed, heavy as I brushed my teeth, heavy when I joined my mum downstairs to force something down for breakfast. Just heavy. I knew seeing Holly was going to be a fucking horrible time and I was right. My sister burst into tears as soon as I entered her hospital room and I completely broke down too. I ran over to hug her and she just cried, though she told me I shouldn't have come home and cut my holiday short. As if I fucking wouldn't... 

I told Holly and her husband how sorry I was, how I wished I could have been there sooner, but I really didn't know what to say. I wasn't going to bombard them with stupid, fuzzy, fate-related bullshit, nor was I going to insist it would 'get better' or some shit like that. What had happened was unfair and fucking awful and I was going to treat it the way it was. 

Holly and her husband had never found out the sex of the baby, wanting to keep it as a surprise, but I found out that the baby was a little girl. They had even picked out a name for if she was a girl; they were going to name her Madison. I think finding out I would have had a niece broke me even more, not that a nephew wouldn't have been amazing too... just something about being able to guide her and help her become a strong woman made it feel worse. My sister asked if I wanted to see photos of her, and even though part of me didn't; not wanting to have that image in my head for the rest of my life, I knew Holly wanted me to 'meet' her, so I said yes. Madison was perfect, pretty much exactly what you would imagine a new-born baby to look like, dressed in a tiny beanie and wrapped in a soft white blanket, just without colour in her cheeks. The photos broke my heart, but when I saw a photo of Holly holding her it literally destroyed me. It was the perfect image, the one that was meant to be of the happiest moment of her life, now the worst; my sister's expression broken, yet somehow holding happiness, like the baby in her arms was still alive. I felt sick. I hated that her dream had been ripped away from her. 

I had to take a break after the photos because it was so fucking much to process... I felt bad for all of them having to see me practically break down when I was always the strong one, but it was horrible. The whole thing was. I hated it. I bummed a cigarette from someone and sat outside smoking it, thinking about Tomorrowland for the first time all day. I should have been at a festival having the time of my life, instead I was at a hospital feeling like the world was crushing me. I felt so fucking angry at the world.

I stayed in touch with Paige, giving her an update every day, but I skipped that first night for a couple of reasons; firstly, I was way too emotionally drained. I didn't want to relive the horror and pain of that day, I didn't want to talk about it at all, and secondly, she was at Tomorrowland - the place I would have much preferred to be. I didn't want her to be thinking about me when she was in such an amazing place and I didn't want to dampen her experience. I wanted her to have the time of her life, and hearing anything about what I had been through that day would absolutely destroy any chance of that. I messaged her the following morning when I woke up and she tried to play down how good the festival was, but I didn't want her to do that. I made her admit that it was the best day of her life and I was happy to hear that she had loved it.

The next day, my sister was allowed to leave the hospital. I was worried about her, especially knowing they had a fucking nursery in their place... I asked if she wanted me to stay at mum's, but she said no, I asked if she wanted me to stay with her, to help around the house or anything she needed, but she said no to that too. I didn't take it personally, but I wished she would have let me help her. I stayed with mum for a couple of days, though Holly didn't really want to see anyone. I understood, but it made me feel awful. Mum and I did what we could; we cooked for my sister and her husband, dropping the food around and doing some cleaning while we were there. I guess they both seemed OK, just... quiet.