Unsuccessful

Guilt Talk with a cup of Coffee...

Tessa' Point of View...

3 days later...

I am currently sitting at a coffee shop with my bestfriend, Casey, and it's Saturday Morning. Tomorrow is Sunday and definitely the day I don't want ever to come. Matthew and I have planned to visit his apartment tomorrow and from there we will go for furniture shopping. I haven't told anyone yet about what happened between Me and Hardin, I need to talk about it before I tell Matthew. I need someone's perspective towards the entire situation and that's why I dragged Casey out of her bed on a Weekend morning to talk about the entire situation. I know she will never judge me but still whatever happened between me and Hardin was not good and it's the guilt and shame that's eating me alive.

"Here's your coffee.. Cappuccino with cream and here's mine..Latte with cream. You ok, Tess, you look pale and lost, what's the matter." I smile at Casey and let her settle down before I drop the news on her about me cheating on Matthew. "Thank you Case, really appreciate it." I take a long breath. "I need to tell you something and please, I need your honest opinion." She nods and gestures me to continue.

"So, when Hardin took me to his penthouse in Seattle, we did worked together on some important files and presentations but that's not all that happened, I mean that night something other then official work, also happened between us." She looks shocked and little confused. "Please don't tell me what I am thinking happened between you and Hardin." I shake my head, letting her know that I am still a virgin. "We did not had sex, if that's what you are thinking. But, it did became little out of hand situation. God, just remembering the night gives me chills and fills my chest with guilt and shame." She again gestures me to continue. I took a long breath. Here goes nothing.

"Well we swimmed together in his pool, we kissed, he then undressed me in the room I was staying and we had oral sex and then we slept together excluding the sex part." Casey is looking at me like she has seen a ghost. God, I hate this. I already felt enough guilt and shame and the look that Casey is giving me currently tells me that she is disappointed on me. God, this is worst. If this is what Casey' reaction then I can just imagine what will be Matthew's reactions. He will be devastated. Casey drinks her entire coffee in a single go and puts her cup down and lunges forward like she is about to slap me. But, I am takenback when she hugs me, I hug her back.

"That's why this past week you were walking around the office campus like a Zombie. Why didn't you told me about this earlier?", Honestly I don't even know. I should have told Casey about this a long time ago.

"Because it's not an idle situation. Plus , I was not feeling myself. I was lost and I felt guilty. I cheated on Matthew, Case. I cheated on Matthew, who I love and who loved me back and the worst part is, I cheated on him over a guy who doesn't even derserve an ounce of my attention and time." She nods. "Can I ask you something Tess and please be honest." I nod and gestures her to go ahead with her Question.

"If you knew it was wrong, then why did you did that. Why you let the situation went out of control. You could have stopped it before things escalated. You could have stopped it and could have said Hardin a big fat No. Why didn't you?, I put my head in between my arms and remained still like forever. I don't have an answer for that question. I will never have a proper response to that question. But, today I have decided to be honest and to be true about my feelings.

" I am attracted towards Hardin. I don't know what it is, but, everytime I look at him, I am drawn towards him like a magnet. He doesn't even have to try. I am with him and I just forget about the rest of the world. Honestly, that's the only explaination I have, other then that I don't have any rational explanations." She nods and looks at me sympathetically.

"What you gonna do next. Are you gonna come clean with Matthew about this?", She asks me like I have an option. Obviously, I will have to tell Matthew about everything. I need to tell him about the kiss, about the oral sex and about the part where me and Hardin slept together on the same bed. I again nod. "I will tell him. Everything. The truth. He deserves it."

She shakes her head and leans closer. "Tell me, do you see anything happening between you and Hardin, any chance that he might be interested to date you and introduce you to everyone like his girlfriend." I never thought about that. But, honestly the way he reacted the next morning, definitely he is not interested that way. I literally saw his demeanor changing the moment I asked him if he meant about wanting me every morning at his penthouse. Just the way he acted, its clear he doesn't want a serious relationship and honestly I lost my dignity but I can never loose my pride and self esteem for him. There is no way , I will ever agree for a friends with benefits or just casual sex kind of relationship with Hardin, I doubt I will never do that with any guy.

"No, never. Hardin is not in to relationships, I just know that. There is no way he will want to have a serious relationship with me. I know him." Casey nods and orders for another cup of coffee. Her suggestion catches me off-guard."Then no need to tell anything to Matthew." I look at her like she has gone crazy. How can she suggest something like that. There is no way, I can continue to date Matthew, knowing at the back of my mind, what I did with Hardin.

"Casey, are you crazy. How can you ask me to lie to Matthew and not tell him about something so important. I cheated on him and he deserves to know the truth. What if tomorrow he gets to know the truth from some other source, do, you think he would be able to forgive me." Casey gets her second cup of coffee and she leans backwards and relaxes herself.

"Honey, who will tell him. This is between you, me and Hardin. I will not tell him, I am asking you to not tell him and I don't think Hardin really cares about it, so, he will also not tell it to anyone. And , think about it, even if you tell him, will he able to forgive you for your betrayal. No, he will never forgive you and he will hate you." I let her continue. "Also, you yourself mentioned that with Hardin you have Zero future. With Matthew you actually have a future, focus on that. We all make mistakes in our lives Tess, that's why we are humans and not god. You made a mistake in your life, learn from it and move on and never repeat it again."

I still don't agree to what Casey is telling me. She is practically asking me to built my future with Matthew on the foundation of lies and betrayal, my betrayal. But, again she is also correct. I will never have anything with Hardin in terms of relationship. And, I still love Matthew, I see a future with him. Matthew is the one who I want, not Hardin, only Matthew. Casey is correct, if I tell Matthew the truth, he will hate me , we will break-up and I will never have the opportunity to get my happily ever after with Matthew. I made a mistake and I will never repeat it again. I drink my coffee and decide upon making my relationship with Matthew work. I repeat it again and again in my mind... Matthew is the one I want but somehow the green eyed boy captures my heart and clouds my thoughts.

----------Authors note-------------

As promised my third update for the day. I am trying my best to give you guys 2 updates on weekdays and 3 updates on weekends. Please let me know how you are liking my story so far and what you expect from the story as we move further.

What you think, did Casey gave Tess the correct advice, do let me know.

Let me know if you have any suggestions for me for my writing or about my story. Stay safe everyone and lots of love and respect to my readers.