Unsuccessful

Ending it all...

Tessa's Point of View...

3 hours ago...

I look down from the top of the multistorey building and all I see are people looking like tiny beans walking on the street of Washington. None of them have any identity,
at least not from where I currently stand.

Looking down I wonder if I jump and try to end it once and for all, will it hurt? Will it hurt the same way Hardin has repeatedly hurt me with his lies, with his past, with his behavior, with his manipulation? Will it hurt the same way it hurts when the person whom you loved the most, hurts you back? Will it hurt when the person whom you trusted the most breaks your trust? Will, it ever hurt as badly as I am hurt now? Will ending it all is my ultimate answer to the pain caused by the man I loved? Should I just jump and see if I get my answers?

There are so many questions I have in my mind but there is no one who can answer them for me.

Knowing that whatever I had with Hardin was a lie, was a part of his manipulation from the beginning brings a shooting pain throughout my body, a certain pain that I cannot define using words.

Hardin has been manipulating me from the start. He manipulated my relationship with Matthew only to have me in his life because Coley turned him down with his offer. He married me not because he loved me but because he wanted me as a part of his plan to inherit his father's will. Now, I understand all the times he got mad at my inability to get pregnant.
It was not because he wanted a family with me, it was because of my inability he wasn't able to claim legally what was his. But, the question remains, was all of our moments a lie?

Our moments of intimacy, our moments where he kissed me and proclaimed his love for me, our first time together, our trip to Las Vegas, our moment in the air where we proposed to me, our moment when he hold my hand and put a ring on my finger and vowed a forever with me.  Were all the moments a lie? I hope I can have the power to face Hardin. Confront him once and for all, but, his deception has broken me to my core and now I don't have the power and courage to face him or even look at him.

I never thought that for once I will dirty. I do feel dirty. Knowing Hardin took my virginity as an act of his plan, makes me feel dirty. Our moments of love have now turned ugly with his bitter truth.

I don't know if I will ever be the same person I used to be. I wish Hardin would have ended me in a much simpler way. It would have hurt less.
I wish I could just scream at him and make him see how angry I am with him, with us, and most importantly with myself. I am angry at him for his lies, for his manipulation, for his bitterness. I am angry with us because I let believe that our relationship is the best thing I have in my life when in reality it was a lie. I am angry with myself because I easily became a fool and jumped into a relationship with Hardin without taking my time.
In conclusion, I am to blame for my broken heart, not Hardin, not Renne, not Coley, only myself.

2 hours ago...

I feel my phone vibrate for the hundredth time. It's Hardin. He has been calling me, messaging me for the past 1 hour. I didn't even realize when it was almost 10 Pm. I have been standing here for the last 1 hour, directing my life, trying to understand where I went wrong.

I take my phone out of my handbag. I turn it on and laughed reading Hardin's messages. He seemed worried about me. I do feel bad for him, making him wait, making him think we can have our relationship back when in reality I am ready to end it all.

I close my phone and put it on silent mode. The last thing I want to do is to talk to Hardin. I put my phone back into my handbag and just breathe in the fresh air. It feels relaxing. Just seconds ago, I looked at myself on my phone screen, I looked happy with the person I shared my screen space with. It's a picture of us from our Las Vegas trip. Hardin took that picture from my phone without telling me and when I saw that picture on my phone gallery, it became my favorite.