Unsuccessful

When he is gone...

Hardin' Point of View..

I am holding my cellphone and my mother is checking if I am still on the line or not..."Hardin Son, you are there". My mother just delivered a completely unexpected news to me, something I never imagined will ever happen in my life so soon. I knew we are human beings and we are mortal, not imortal, someday all of us will die, I will die someday, but, what I never imagined is that the famous Mark Scott will leave all of us so soon. I am confused, I don't understand if this news brings me joy or it brings me sadness. If I say that this news brings me joy, then I will be the worst son, any man will ever have. A son who will be happy on his father's departure. If I say that I am sad, then I will become the biggest liar as I will be lieing to my ownself. I cannot decide which way I want to go from here. By, hearing my mother's broken voice, it's clear that she is sad, maybe devasted. But, why?? Why she is sad, why she is devasted, she should be celebrating her freedom. Freedom from a 30 year old marriage that failed every single definition of a relationship. Freedom from a 30 year old marriage that only gave her sadness and never gave her the opportunity to be happy. Freedom from a 30 year old marriage in which she witnessed her own husband cheating on her over and over and over again. Freedom from a 30 year old marraige that never gave her anything to cherish, but, slowly soaked her in to an oblivion of darkness and sadness.

I am stunned by this unexpected news. I can still hear my mother's voice loud and clear from the other side. "Hardin, baby, are you able to hear me, please say something", she pleads for my response, but, what Should I tell her, should I tell her to celebrate freedom from a marraige that was more like a curse or should I tell her to sorrow, sorrow about loosing a man who only gave her a title to be his wife but in return took everything from her, her happiness, her family, her joy. She expects me to respond and I expect someone to tell me what to expect from this news.

"Is it true...are you telling me the truth, is he really gone..", like a pathetic looser, I need a confirmation from my mother's voice. I need her to say his name and confirm me that the person I hated my entire life, that the person who took away everything from my mother, that the person who only gave us  series of bad memories, that the person who gave me a haunting past, my father, the famous "Mark Scott" is indeed dead. She takes a deep breath from the other side of the line and I can hear  the sound of her tears mixed with her voice and she confirms.."Mark is gone Hardin, he has left us".

With my mother finally taking his name and putting her own personal stamp on the news, gives me the final assurance that indeed my father is dead, that he is gone and he is never coming back. The man who troubled my mother in their 30 years of marriage has finally left us. The man who plays an important role in my nightmares has left us. I wonder if with his passing away, my nightmares will also leave me or will they stay with me as a confirmation of his memories.

I finally take a deep breath, breath that was caught in my lungs, finally able to let this unexpected news swallow me, finally coming terms with the fact that my father.."Mark Scott is dead".

I hear my name again from my mother's voice.."Hardin..son say something". I finally ask her back.."What..??", She says.."Anything..anything which will be better then your silence." I mentally laugh at her pleads, she is pleading for a man who never treated her correct. I still don't know what she expects from me. Last time I saw my father, it was almost a year ago. I saw him in Chicago on a business trip with his whore. They played family in front of my eyes, knowing that every single second of my life and my mother's life was made in to a huge joke, ever since he left my mother for the whore who warmed his bed.

My mother wants me to get married, to love someone, to have a wife, to have kids of my own, to have my family, I still wonder, how she can imagine me to have a family of my own, when growing up I never had one, how she can expect me to bring an innocent child in this world and expect me to give him or her happiness when she herself failed to give happiness and joy to the only child she ever had. I need to know how it happened, how life left the hands of the famous business man..Mark Scott.