Eunoia | Sirius Black

|64|

December 1979

It's the second week of December when it happens.

It's Saturday and like every weekend when I get home early, I take a bath, get changed into a sundress and comb my hair into something presentable, unlike the ponytails or braids or buns I usually have during missions.

I lock the house and apparate to Sterling, having finally perfect apparition after Sirius had me practise it for an entire day.

There are moments that define your life, moments that render you hopeless or hopeful. There are moments that bring you down and moments that uplift you. Moments that you would wish on no one and moments you'd wish everyone goes through once.

This moment defined my life in the worst way ever.

When I reached my old home, Hawke Manor, it looks like it was straight out of a horror movie.

The door was ajar, the staff was nowhere to be found, house pixies weren't making noise, and the sun was hidden behind the clouds giving an eerie vibe to the entire scene.

Heart in my throat, I sprint toward the door and call for my grandfather the moment I step inside.

It was all wrong, he had to have known I'd be coming, I visit every weekend. This Saturday was nothing new.

Nothing felt alright, there was a faint drip-drip sound of water running, perhaps from the kitchen but the silence - there was always silence in the Hawke manor but never this deafening, never this quiet.

I rounded the hallway, running from the foyer to the grande living room, to the kitchen and to the ballroom. At last, I decided to go look in the study beside the drawing room.

I enter with cat-silent steps, too afraid to make a noise when I see it.

The dripping wasn't from the kitchen, it was from the lifeless body of my grandfather that was seated on his cushioned chair, staring right into my eyes.

I screamed.

I screamed and screamed and screamed until my throat protested and I couldn't anymore. And then I cried, I dropped on my knees, the weight too heavy to bear and I cried.

It wasn't silent tears, it was extremely loud ugly crying with sounds so excruciatingly painful, one would think I was being tortured. I was. I wiped the snot from my nose and ran to where my grandpa was seated.

"Grandfather?" I whispered, cupping his cheek.

I placed two fingers on his pulse. There was no heartbeat. He wasn't breathing. It was obvious as hell that he wouldn't ever again.

My heart cracked in two. I thought the death of my mother was tormenting, but this - this was killing me.

It was too much, there was a weight on my chest, my eyes were blinded by dots and my head was aching so much that I thought I'd die.

His eyes kept staring at me as I broke apart, piece by piece, crying until my tears ran out.

⚕⚕⚕

╭ ╮ Sirius╰ ╯

My office was crammed between two cubicles where lay Frank and Benjy Fenwick. Both were talking over me, making me roll my eyes so hard I was half sure they'd get stuck there.

"Black?" Moody grunts behind me making me jolt in my seat.

I clear my throat and turn around, "Yes, sir?"

"Paperwork is complete?"

I try not to frown, "Sir, you just handed it over an hour ago -"

"Is it complete or not?"

"No. . ." I answer with a smile which is more of a grimace.

"I need it within an hour."

"But my day is over -"

"AN HOUR, Black." he gruffed, turning around and walking back with his prosthetic leg that run on the floor like gunshots.

Frank and Benjy shook their head in unison, clicking their tongues at me. "When will you learn, Black?"

"Oh, Black needs a reminder every hour -"

"Shut up, you sorry sods."

The two guffaw as I sigh at the torment I have to go through every single day. Oh, how I wish I was at home right now. In Elena's bed, inside her, beside her, anywhere where she is.

Her lavender smell wafts around me like a hallucination and I sigh again, placing my chin on my palm. I miss her.

I miss her and I will never be able to tell her this because she runs away from feelings the same way I run away from my biological family.

Every touch of that woman drives me to such insanity that the three fucked up words she never wants to hear are on my tongue every single moment of my life when I'm with her.

I groan, wanting nothing more than to be able to just hold her without feeling fear every waking moment, thinking she'll chicken and leave.

I'm deep in thought when the patronus arrives. The patronus that will change my life.

James' voice is hoarse and grainy when he says 'St. Mungo's, Sirius. It's dad.'

I don't think I have ever felt this scared in my entire life as I did when I was running towards the lift and down to the visitor's entrance floor.

The floor wasn't nearly as quick enough as I would've liked it to be as it spat me out in the wizarding hospital a few minutes later.

Heart in my throat, I run to the Welcome witch. "Charlus Potter, please."

"And who are you to him?" The lady asked.

"His son, I'm his son."

She frowned but told me to go to the second floor, the magical bugs ward.

I don't think the minute it took me to reach there has ever felt longer. When I spot James and Lily along with mum, my heart nearly breaks at their tear stained faces.

"What happened?" I pant. "Where's dad?"

"He's alright," Mum intervene before I start yelling. "He's perfectly fine."

I don't miss the 'for now' in her sentence. My eyes are on the verge of watering. "Where?" I repeat.

"In Room 32C," Lily replies. "I just arrived from the Alchemy room, Peter is in the admission department, he'd be coming here any moment now. Remus is on his way, too."

"What happened?" I croak.

"He's diagnosed with Dragon Pox," James says, his voice breaking. "We were home for our weekend lunch, Lily and I and he got up to get us dessert. When he didn't come back after minutes, Lily went to check." He cleared his throat. "He was passed out on the kitchen floor."

"I should've been there." I shake my head rapidly, feeling guilt thawing in my body. "I should-"

"No," Dorea Potter cut me off. "It's not your fault."

"How?" I ask her, unimaginable fury and melancholy in my eyes. "How? He didn't even go out, did he? How could he have possibly gotten dragonpox?"

"I asked her the same thing," James huffed. "She refused to answer me, obviously the two have secret lives they're hiding from us."

"James Potter, mind your language." Mum advised sternly. "I will tell you if I want to, I don't have to."

"Mum," James said desperately, "He's critical -"

"He's alright." She shut him up. "You two go down and get the potions," She says to me and James. "I need to talk with my Lily."

I take one last look at my family before the rest of my friends arrive. Hours pass when I finally realise Elena isn't here.