Eunoia | Sirius Black

|89|

Sterling, Scotland, 1980
December 1st, piercing cold

I don't go home for a week.

I stay at the Hawke mansion, crying in my grandfather's bed, trying to play chess on his obsidian board alone. Watering the plants, chatting with Tory who unsurprisingly still comes by to clean the house every week.

I wake up through a nightmare at 3 in the morning and try to make cranberry sauce while my tears turn it salty. I grab onto the fridge handle and my hands tremble as I remember all the good times I had here. 

I remember the day I decided to move out and into Sirius's apartment. I remember the day he asked me to marry him, I remember when I asked him to elope. 

Stupid, Elena. Rushing into things is never right, how did I not learn that by now?

When I return back home, Sirius is sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. He startles when I step in front of him but his expression soon turns sour. 

"Where have you been?"

"Hawke manor," I answer at once. 

He's wearing a white shirt and black pants, looking as if he was just about to go out. A crease forms between my brows at his polished boots, he never polishes his fucking boots. 

"For an entire week?"

"Yes."

"And you didn't even care enough to tell that to me yourself?" He cocked his head. "It wasn't as if I would've stopped you."

"I needed space."

"And how was it?"

"Why are you being mean, Sirius?" I scoff, turning away. 

"Because I didn't know where my wife was for seven fucking days." He clicks his tongue. "And all I had was a stupid note telling me 'I'll be back in a few days, Elena.'"

"At least I left one." I shoot back. "Unlike you who just decides I'm not even worthy of an explanation."

"What are you talking about?" 

"What work were you doing the day you came home at one?" I put it out, if he wants to play the trust game. Let's fucking do it. 

"You don't trust me," He suddenly says. "You don't fucking trust me, do you?"

"Do you blame me?"

"Yes," He looks at me with a shocked expression. "I should be the one with truth issues considering you lied to me for a fucking year!"

"And who's to say you wouldn't turn on me like you did your goddamn best friend? He was so much closer to you and it didn't take you a single second to consider that when you pointed him as the ultimate villain."

"Is this all about that then?" Sirius laughs humourlessly, "You hate that I said anything at all about Remus."

"Don't twist it!"

"I'm not the one doing that!" he says. "You are. You can't take it that Remus might be the mole on our side. You can't take it that he might be playing us all! You can't take anything against the man you loved first."

"Man I loved first?" I scowl. "I have never loved anyone but you. You know how hard it was for me to even admit it, Sirius. And you dare use that against me?"

"Nothing would ever change the fact —"

"Maybe, it's not about me at all." I nod. "Maybe it's you. You're fucking jealous, Sirius. LOOK AT YOU!"