Eunoia | Sirius Black

|20|

I have one, two, three, four, millions of wishes under my fingernails, I have five, six, seven, billions of dreams in the alcoves of my head, I have eight, nine, ten, trillions of hopes in the rims of my eyes.

And yet, I never thought the day would come when one by one all of the shards would drop and puncture my heart.

It is so obvious, so incredibly obvious that for a brief moment I'm almost angry at myself for being so aloof of everything. I was reading the book on the creatures with one of them on my lap and I still couldn't tell – couldn't identify. Or perhaps, I didn't want to. I didn't want to acknowledge the fear of what it will lead to.

But it is so noticeable now, right in front of my eyes that I cannot ignore it even though my mind is screaming at me to. Asking me, begging me to act dumb for a little longer, let it go – let it go until he himself reveals it.

But I know he wouldn't, he would never trust me as much as he does those three boys. I have a feeling not even Ella knows about this.

And I, invading his privacy, followed him. And now I know one of his biggest secrets.

Remus Lupin is a werewolf. Sirius Black, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew are animagi.

And it is so unreal, so incredibly vague, shocking, and confusing that for a second, I doubt whether I'm in my senses. But there is no mistaking what I saw. No mistaking the transformation from a wizard to an illegal Animagus.

The howls are still echoing, vibrating the grassy field beneath my feet as I run towards the castle.

That is all I can do, I'm not foolish enough to go check inside the tunnel of the Whomping Willow, I have self-preserving instincts and curiosity can goddamn wait.

It is way after curfew when I reach the castle grounds and I have to instantly duck behind a statue when three Prefects patrol the hallway I've just reached into.

This is so – fever dream-ish. I must be having one, there is no other explanation. But the thing is, how should I react to Remus being a monster?

No, I shake the thought violently out of my head as soon as it finds its way in. Remus Lupin is not a monster, he is anything, but a monster. And I cannot condone a thought like that, cannot think of him as anything but the most humble person I have known.

And he is so, so young. I don't know when he was bitten if he even was. Or if an alpha's claws had found their way into him, but whenever it happened – I cannot help but feel afraid, sorry, and empathetic for him.

So I stand a little straighter, mull over it until the lights dim and the night gets illuminated only by the full moon's light until no more Prefects are roaming in the hallways and the sky is a smoggy surface. And then I make my way to the Hospital Wing.

⚕⚕⚕

"You're not allowed to be inside —"

"But I thought Dumbledore —"

"Professor Dumbledore —"

"Professor Dumbledore must've talked to you about this?"

"He did, indeed. But still, I cannot allow you to be present with Mr Lupin during his healing hours, no matter how close you lot are."

"But —"

"Out."

"We —"

"Out. NOW."

A door slammed shut and my eyes shot open. I had managed to fall asleep for a brief moment – or hours a better word, and now the sky outside was grey instead of black.

Madame Pomfrey gasped when she spotted me lounging on one of the beds. "Ms – Ms Hawke! You are not supposed to be —"

"Let me help you heal him."

She pauses mid-talking and frowns. "He's alright —"

"I know about his condition, Madame Pomfrey." I sigh. "I may not be magnificent in my academics but I am exceptional in alchemy and healing."

"I...I'm not sure Headmaster —"

"It's alright." I manage to smile. "If you want to aware him of this, I don't have a problem. I assure you I can heal him just as well as you, in fact, I might not even need assistance."

"But, Ms Hawke – you need to understand these are werewolf injuries and —"

"I know exactly what needs to be applied on werewolf injuries, don't you worry."

Madame Pomfrey hesitated for a moment too long before nodding. "I. . .I should perhaps report this to Headmaster Dumbledore, and of course, there are a lot of potions I need to assemble – work on. I – I will see you shortly, in an hour or two. Are you absolutely certain you can do this?"

I nod. "I am."

She sighs and leaves instantly and I am suddenly nauseous. Did I have to take over this responsibility? Yes, yes, I did.

Remus is my friend and there are undoubtedly more feelings than just friendship I have begun to harbour inside of me and I cannot, I cannot ignore it any longer.

I like Remus Lupin more than a friend. He makes me feel like my insides have hummingbirds, slamming against my chest whenever he's near me. Makes me feel like every single butterfly in the world is residing in my stomach and I can't keep denying it.

His body appeared as though mauled, and I felt nauseated again and again as I peeled off the white sheets on his body while he lay on his back, unconscious.

But I knew I had to do this. Remus might be enraged at me, betrayed, hurt, that I invaded his privacy so extremely. Healed him after a full moon when he didn't even want to tell me his deepest secret.

But I couldn't help it. I pulled out my wand and muttered small charms to heal scrapes, big ones to bandage wounds, and others to stitch his body back together. And then finally applied the specific potions to the nasty bruises that were from his claws, ready to get infected.

He stirred only once during the entire process, and that too only when the first ray of sunshine invaded his shut eyes. I closed the drapes in moments and had to manually bandage his arm which I feared was deeply scarred.

That's where his scars came from. That's why he was so sickly pale during the days leading to the full moon, so exhausted, missing classes and all that.

I felt angry, so angry at myself for being this oblivious. But then again, it was a given that he wouldn't tell me about this a mere month after meeting me.

I was so tired, that once he was bandaged and stitched and I had poured blood-replenishing potions in large at his bedside table, I fell down on the chair, an extremely uncomfortable chair nearby and fell into a feverish slumber. 

⚕⚕⚕

I woke up before Remus did and was up and about within minutes.

"Are you leaving, Ms Hawke?" 

Madame Pomfrey frowned at my work. "This is a marvel. Your healing rivals my own."

I smile politely. "Beauxbatons was extraordinary in teachings."

"I don't doubt." She turned to me, returning my smile. "I am glad you're here, Elena."

"So am I," I told her before starting to leave. "Oh, and - would you do me a favour?"

"Of course!"

"Don't tell Remus I know." I plead. "And do not tell him I was the one who did the healing."

"But —"

"Please," I say. "I don't want to be invading his personal space. That I did, obviously - but, I want him to tell it to me himself."

She looked like she wanted to say something else but nodded nevertheless. "You have my word."

AN:
There is going to be a Sirius Black POV from the next chapter!