The House of Hawke has been called the traitorous, filthy and scum house the entire time that name was known to the living.
Past or future, one would accompany it with the adjective "Horrifying".
It was a matter of grief for the youngest daughter...
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They tell me I need to let go of things. Of my mother, of my sister, of my father whom I never knew.
But I can't. My mind is a sinkhole of shards and tears and blood and all things rotten.
My mother used to say, be as quiet and graceful as the forest. But the forest is neither quiet nor graceful. Why does no one understand the vigour of it? The utter rage, the evocative and halcyon contradiction?
A forest isn't graceful, it is the companion of the female rage. When she asked me to be like the forest, I became a version of my worst temperament.
My opacity hasn't been my weakness for so long that I have forgotten what feeling lonely was like. Sometimes, I miss Apolline.
I love Lily and Marlene and Dorcas so much. Even Alice and Mary, and Remus and Sirius and James. But if you go live at a friend's house, you will never have the sense of belonging that he has there.
That's how I feel most of the time. Like I'm living in someone else's home and my time is running out. I have a constant need for reassurance. If someone doesn't tell me they need me here, I'll spiral into the depths of my mind and lock myself there.
Sometimes, it scares me because I need him now.
Sirius Black.
I feel like I need him more than he needs me. And not just for his body. What started as a friends with benefits game, became something so much worse.
I've started to want him beside me at every moment of the day. No one realises how dangerous it is, to lend someone your heart and give them the full authority to do whatever they please with it.
No one should have that level of power over you, not even someone you've started to care about this badly.
Tomorrow is my last exam and I am so tired. My dreams are so huge and my willpower so little at the end of the day. I only want to hug someone and sleep.
I get out of the warm bath and smile at the scent of vanilla emitting from my body. Smelling nice boosts your confidence so much.
Lily is sitting on my bed when I reach my trunk, she looks up with a frown on her face. "I think I've forgotten everything of Potions."
"Do you want me to come to help you revise again?" I gently pat her back.
"Would you do that?"
"Undoubtedly," I tell her, spelling my wet hair to dry instantly.
Lily smiles and hugs me before padding downstairs to the common room. I follow her in my night pjs and an oversized t-shirt.
James is already sitting beside her and there is Sirius on one side with Remus on the other along with Peter.
"Welcome to the nightclub, love." Sirius sighs. "Goodness, can I not just go to sleep, Lilypads?"
"Not until you know the proper method to make Veritaserum," Lily glared. "Elena, come here and take my quiz."
I shrug and make myself comfortable on the couch beside Sirius. He leans in to whisper, "Can you meet me after this? I wanted to ask something of you."
I frown but nod, "Alright, Lils, how do you make an antidote to Veritaserum?"
I smile reassuringly, "I'm pretty sure you know everything, Lily. Perhaps you should rest, it's said people who sleep after revising remember better than the ones who're awake."
Lily frowns but sighs reluctantly. James releases a breath.
"At last! Thank you, El. You're Merlinsend."
Remus chuckles and gets up along with James and Lily, "I think I'm going to sleep, too. Today's been a long day and we deserve to give our last exam with a peaceful mind."
Peter yawns and nods, leaving without uttering a word.
"Poor Pete," I click my tongue. "He looks like he'll fall and sleep on the stairs if he can."
When it's just Sirius and I, I turn to look at him and raise a curious brow.
He smiles nervously and touches the bridge of his nose. "I was wondering. . .uh, what were you planning to do after the exams?"
I ponder over it for only a moment before answering, "I'll return home and sleep."
"And becoming a Minister?"
"That'll happen after a long while. I'll probably have to become an Auror first." I yawn. "But yes that, too."
"So, I wanted to tell you. . ." He gulped. "I'll be moving out of Potter Manor this summer. My uncle Alphred left me quite a sum of money, more than enough to get me an apartment. I've bothered the Potters for too long, I want to be independent now."
My heart flutters, "I am very proud of you, Sirius. You're extremely strong."
He smiles gratefully before going on, "There is no short way to say this, El. Will you. . .Would you like to move in with me?"
The room is spinning, my feet feel cemented on the ground. "You want me to move in."
It's not a question but he nods anyway, "I'd like if you move in. Think about it. . .please, Elena."
I don't say something for a long while, and I know his mind might spiral if I don't answer him anytime soon, but I don't know what to do. There is self-preservation and there is a need for companionship.
It is scary. But healing will not happen on its own. Time needs time, but I will have to give it a push.
"Yes."
Sirius looks struck for a moment too long, "What?"
Sirius's eyes define surrealism, they define eternity at that moment. A little glossy and a little too dark, a little too happy and a little too hopeful. Beauty in the rawest form are his grey irises.
"I'll move in with you." I breathe out the truth of what I want and he smiles the most gorgeous smile I have ever seen.
I can't help it, I lean up and kiss him. And I think we both feel the difference between this kiss and our previous ones.
There's a different kind of spark, one that connects with my heart and not my mind.
It feels unreal when emotions and lust clash and merge. But I can't let that happen so I pull away and Sirius catches my hand. He presses his forehead against me delicately and smiles.
I think he knows something I am yet to figure out, but it gives me a sense of no control and I feel like I'm falling down into a never-ending abyss. I never want him to leave my hand.
I feel like I'm fighting with myself every moment of being with him. It is just so hard, so incredibly difficult to not lose yourself when you're with a man who values you.
I smile at that thought, he values me. It is an epiphany I am confused as to why I realised so late.
Sirius Orion Black values and prioritises me more than anyone else.
"I feel exhausted," I say.
Sirius hums, pulling away and bringing me into a hug. "Do you want me to leave?"
"No," I blurt out reluctantly.
He grins against my head and I can hear the irregularity of his heartbeat. "Come with me."
