Eunoia | Sirius Black

113

Time stops. My heart stops. 

I don't think I'm breathing anymore. 

Alice, Alice one of the only two friends whom I had left. Alice, the sweetest girl who never hated me, never found me any less than my sister. 

Alice - Alice whom I shared such a deep connection with that I feel like those long deep lines running down her arms are in my own, too. 

I think I scream, or I sob but I know I'm on my knees. I'm crawling towards her still-breathing body and she doesn't recognise me. She doesn't reply to me, look at me or say anything that would tell me she's there. 

Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice. 

There's blood on my hands and I feel so hopeless, I've lost everything and I can't lose her, too. She's an angel - she's everything good. And now she's gone. 

I call her name, one time, two times, fifty times but she just stares at me, her irises moving left and right like she can't speak. Like she's lost all the memories she once had. Like someone tortured her. 

My voice fails me when I scream thrice more. Everything fails me. I feel like I've swallowed the sun and I feel so hot, feel like I can't breathe, like I'm drowning and I can't move - not to get Alice help or to call Sirius.

I've failed her. I've failed her so despicably that I cannot believe there was ever a time she trusted me. 

I don't think of anything when I cry then, not Sirius or Marlene or Dorcas or my sister who I now know doesn't hate me. I don't think of my past, of Regulas, of grandfather or Essex Hawke who failed me. I don't think of Frank whom Alice would want me to bury or Neville who's now in my lap having crawled from his nursery to find his mother. 

I don't think about anything when my body fails me. My tears so many they've turned my face brine. Neville wails in my arms and I pick him up gently, so gently so I don't hurt the only remaining family of the Fortescue's. 

I take him back to the nursery, rocking him to sleep even as my knees buckle so tremendously I feel as though I'll never be able to walk away from this nightmare. Neville stays in his crib this time, and I ward it - leaving the baby there once I hear the soft breezes that tell me Aurors are around. 

I had wondered how the door had opened so easily, how I could see the house even without the assistance of Sirius. Had wondered if Alice knew I was coming with that seer mind of hers. 

I should've known. I should've helped her. She's gone, says a cruel voice in my mind. And it's your fault. I shush it, tame it and repress it but rises again like a tidal wave threatening to push me over. She's gone, she's gone, she's gone, she's gone.

I cry and cry and cry as I run out, apparating to the only place I can think of. I failed Alice and I can't fail Lily. I cannot fail James.

Time seems to stop again as I see the black wisps of smoke leaving the house in the once-calm street of Godric's Hollow. A death mark above the white house. 

I run then. Without stopping, without remembering that I'm barefoot and my shoes are long forgotten somewhere along the way. Without a thought in my head, I run towards the house.

There's a woman looking ghastly in the way, there's dogs barking so violently I fear I may go deaf. There's blood under the soles of my feet from the jagged rocks on the road but I don't stop, not even when the deafening cries of Harry reach my ears and when the ajar door of the Potter's house threatens to stop my barely beating heart. 

There's eerie silence inside the house. I break it. 

"LILY! JAMES!" There's no one around, no one near the -

No. 

NO.

James lies near my feet, his wand nowhere in sight. Blue eyes as vivid as an ocean are lifeless. Much unlike Alice's, unlike Frank's. His were...dead.

James Charlus Potter was dead. 

He lay at my feet, a frightened expression forever painted on his face. I bend down, unaware I'm even doing so and a strangled cry bursts through my throat. With all the energy I have left, I brush stray locks of hair from his forehead and put his specs back on his face from where they'd fallen near his feet. 

My body struggles as I run upstairs to Harry, hoping, hoping, hoping so desperately that Lily is still there. Still awake, alive - only mildly hurt and not severely. That she's okay - that she'll smile when she sees me, tell me this is all a nightmare. That I'm dreaming. 

Harry is the first one I see. There's a scar on his forehead and his green eyes are bloodshot from crying. I know what I'll see when I look down. And so I don't.

I don't look down for as long as I can. I pretend this isn't the worst day of my life. That I haven't failed every person that I loved. Haven't lost every single one of my friends. 

We won't leave each other's side. 

We're family, El. Families don't abandon each other. 

But I did. I did, I'm a worthless piece of shit and I can't bear this pain anymore. Merlin, it's too much - make it go away - please, make it go away. 

When I finally look down, I feel like it's the last thread holding me upright that just snapped. Broke down into a million pieces just like my heart. 

I fall to my knees so hard but I don't feel it, I don't feel a thing. I don't feel the press of Lily's lifeless hand near my thigh or her red locks near my feet. I don't feel Harry's hands as they push through his crib, trying to hug his mother. I don't feel alive. 

I don't feel like the trickle of blood slowly dripping down my leg. 

I don't feel it when Lyra leaves me, too. When my belly stops thrumming with life. 

I don't feel anything at all when I stretch my arm in front of me, begging her for help. Begging her to make this go away. Begging, begging, begging - so much pain. So much fucking pain. 

I don't feel it when my other hand rises, my wand shooting a patronus - the sweet animal winking out of the house. 

I don't feel it when a warm hand envelops my own. When my cries become so strangled they stop creating a sound. When the pain becomes so unbearable that even tears don't dare enter my eyes. 

Elena, my Elena, so much pain you bear

So much pain, so much - 

Elena, my Elena let me take it away

Please take it away. Take it, take everything if only I'll be free from this wretched guilt. 

Elena, my Elena, don't you see? This is not what you're meant to be

I'm meant to be in a prison, forever wallowing in my loss, in my regret and pain and misery - 

Elena

I shut my eyes so tight, it's a wonder I'm still conscious. 

Elena, open your eyes

And I do. She stands there like an angel. And I can't help but kneel. Can't help but feel relief. Relief that she's here, that she hasn't abandoned me, too. 

"What do you want?" She says in a voice that's not of this world. 

"Freedom," I utter. A single word that holds so much power. 

She smiles, a genuine warm smile. A smile of a mother. "Cost?"

"End it."

She tilts her head and I exhale sharply. "End the curse."

"It's not a curse."

"End it."

"Will you come with me then?"

I look at her, really look at her. And she smiles again, "Welcome home,"

My wand glows green as the spell hits my chest from my own hand.