Eunoia | Sirius Black

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Godric's Hollow, West Country, 1980
July 16th, cosy

"You can't be mad at me forever."

"I'm not just mad at you, I'm mad at her, too."

"It was an impulsive decision, James!"

"I didn't even know you were engaged and you're telling me you eloped!?" James Potter gapes. 

"I didn't tell you?" Lily frowns. 

"YOU KNEW?"

"I must've told you in my mind and then forgotten about it." She grins sheepishly, cradling her stomach. She's overdue. 

"I cannot believe you," Remus huffs. "None of you. I mean I know I was gone for a while but someone could've caught me up on the gossip!"

There is a tiny silence that ensues at the topic of him being gone but Marlene is quick to extinguish it. 

"So what changed your minds?" She narrowed her eyes at us. "Finally realised the world exists outside of one another?"

"Not really," Sirius says seriously. "But when I went on that mission for a week, I realised it fucked me up to be away from her for this long. I know it wouldn't have mattered if we put a label on our relationship or not but things escalated from fuck buddies to lovers to fiances so quick, no one saw it coming."

"And now you're both married," Peter states the obvious. 

This is probably the first thing he's said ever since he came here an hour ago. Ever since all of us sat down at the dining table and Sirius blurted out the secret out of the blue.

"I can't believe I married you," Lily yelled at James when he got up to hit Sirius on the back of his head but accidentally split his wine glass. "GOD, I'm already on the verge of a breakdown because this devil spawn won't fucking get out of my body."

"I don't believe it, either," Sirius smirks. "I mean everyone knew you had a thing for tiny things from the way you cradled them but none of us realised it extended as far as humans."

I snort into my pumpkin juice and have it bounce all over my face, "Sirius!"

"Son of a —" James says. 

"James!"

"He's right, even though I'm still mad at this motherf—"

"Marlene!"

"Remind me to never marry." Remus looks at the lot of us wide-eyed and he and Peter share a brusque nod. 

"Someone should've reminded me that," Lily gruffs.

"What's that now, witch?" James hums as he pulls Lily onto his lap, "I'd like you to repeat that."

Lily blushed as hard as a tomato and flicked James' nose, "I mean, I don't entirely protest."

"Good," James tucked her hair behind her ear and went back to the conversation. "So, we were talking, YOU BETRAYED ME! Padfoot, I thought I'd be your best man!"

If Remus had any problem with it, he didn't show it. Though I did think he might've clenched his jaw for a millisecond. 

Sirius shakes his head, "We'll have a proper marriage after the war, all poppies and peonies as Elena said. This was just in case. It was her idea, anyhow."

"You're joking," Remus says and when we both look at him with an almost serious expression, he bursts out laughing. "Elena, you little minx."

I grin and wink at him as I sip my pumpkin juice, or what's left of it, anyway. 

When we get home, I nearly collapse on the couch. "I can't believe we managed to hide this for nearly two months."

"We've been together for almost three years now and none of us realised when we became lovers, either." Sirius's voice is muffled from the bathroom where he's brushing his teeth and getting ready for sleep.

We're both too tired today for having sex. In fact, I could go to sleep right away in these clothes if I had it my way.

It's all quiet for a minute when Sirius thuds back to the living room, a frown on his face. "What's this, Elena?"

I open one of my eyes and catch sight of what he's tightly holding in his hand. My breath hitches. "Where did you find this?"

"I think you might've forgotten to hide it today." He rolls his eyes. 

I sit up and snatch it back from him. "I already told you this, Sirius. I have to know, I need to."

"I thought we were over this." 

"Over this?" I nearly shriek. "This is my grandfather's killer we're talking about. How could I ever be over this?"

In my hand is a diary with incessant scribbling and unending notes about the day I saw my grandpa lifeless in his study. I've made charts, diagrams, and mind maps about every single thing I could think of. I have rolled up parchments with lists of names I suspect as the killers. I've been obsessed about this for months now, how could I not be?

"Elena," he says softly, kneeling down so we're at the same level. "I don't want you to overthink —"

"I'm not overthinking anything," I cut him off. "I want to find the person who killed him —"

"And then what?" He stands up suddenly, combing a hand through his hair, "Take revenge? Kill him, too? What will you do? Report him to the Ministry? Thinking they'll take your word because you're an Auror? Elena, no one even knows he's dead! You buried his body alone!"

I am fuming when I stand up, too. "Tory will bear witness, she was there with me."

"And where is she now?" Sirius scoffs. "I'm not trying to undermine you here, I'm just being realistic. This could heavily backfire. You could be suspected as the killer."

"That's why I'm doing this, Sirius!" I try to explain desperately. "Because I want to be absolutely sure when I accuse someone. Because I want to gather evidence. Obviously, I'm not just going to waltz in there —"

"When you went out on missions you said were by the Order . . ."

In my mind, sirens are blazing. I already know where this is going. For weeks, I'd told Sirius I am on missions by the Order when I actually went to the Hawke Manor to see if Regulas was alright. He was supposed to move out in July and I spent a long time making sure he was mentally stable to jump into the muggle world. 

I cooked for him and made jokes, trying to lighten up his dark aura but I couldn't tell Sirius where I was going in case he decided to follow. Regulas had made me promise not to tell anyone. 

". . . you were lying, weren't you?" He looks at me and he knows it's true by my silence because I'm not capable of lying to my husband. "You were searching for pieces of evidence all along."

I frown, that wasn't right. I wasn't out looking for clues but I couldn't tell him that. Not if I wanted to keep my promise. "Sirius, I can explain —"

"You can explain?" He huffs, backing away a step. "You've been out, putting your life in danger all this time and I had no idea."

"Si—"

"You don't know how that makes me feel, Elena." He grumbles. "I feel inadequate as if you didn't even trust me enough to let me know what was on your mind."

I feel awful, I feel horrible but I can't say the truth. "I do trust you —"

"Marriage doesn't work like this, El. You don't hide things from one another,"

Sirius doesn't sleep beside me that day. I had forgotten what it felt like to not be held as you cry yourself to sleep.