Recovered Letter, written to Elena Hella Black by her husband Sirius Orion Black.
Dearest Elena,
Today I took a long exuberant walk. It vaguely reminded me of this lullaby mother Walburga used to sing to me. Back when she wasn't haunted by her own truths, her own actuality. The lullaby was about this little girl and her big brother. Caught in a crossfire, trying to save each other. Now that I think back on it, I realise it was more anguished rather than calming. Only then, I had no idea what it meant being an aloof six-year-old. Now, when I repeat those verses absently in my mind while I take one step after the other, I realise that somehow despite all the horrors my mother has bestowed on me and my little brother, I can come to understand her. One day perhaps, I will set foot on her doorstep and tell her I forgive her.
I only hope you can forgive me, too.
I have never loved someone enough to feel an ache in my very bones when there is something beautiful in front of me and I feel nothing but sorrow for they aren't here to witness it by my side. I stood on the terrace with pretty magnolias and poppies by my side and there was this igniting, splendid meteor shower so unreal, so out of the world in front of me. And I had only tears in my eyes out of longing, and not for those meteors.
You once said I am like your favourite fruit. The utter sweetness, the delicacy, the knowing that you will never be sick of it. The euphemism was perplexing, but now I understand. However, you don't, that the fruit has now gone bad. My heart is rotten, it's foul, wrinkling, discoloured, filthy surface beat for only one. The one who is no longer visible down the road I am walking. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you so dreadfully, It is killing me.
My days are much too glossed over, frosted by the pretence I live under. Elena, I am drowning under the weight of my self-pity. I need you.
Please come back, come back to me. Come back to me if only to hate me. If only to tell me I've failed you. If only to make me feel like the most wretched man alive. Come back if only to leave me again.
Even though I know why you did what you did, it doesn't help. The ache in my chest grows each day. I need you, El.
I need you so bad.
Yours,
Now and forevermore.
Sirius Black
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Eunoia | Sirius Black
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