Eunoia | Sirius Black

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"What the fuck?"

These were the first three words Regulas Black had spoken to me in months. 

"You tell me." I glare at him as he passes me a cigarette and silently lights it, too.

"I deserved that punch." He says, turning around to place his elbows on the railing of the tallest tower of the castle.

I sigh. "Spoiler alert?"

His lips twitch, just barely but they do. "You're going to tell me anyway."

"Hell yes." My own curl a bit. "I already knew about your matching tattoos with Snape."

Regulas chokes on a laugh, smoke pouring out of his nose as he throws his head back with a smile. "Only you can simplify it that way."

"I'm not mad at you."

He looks over, surprise lighting his face majestically under the moonlit sky. "Why?"

"It wasn't your choice."

"Yes, it was."

I smile softly, turning to look at him, "No, it wasn't. Was it, Reg?"

He stays silent for a moment too long before giving a sharp nod. I sigh again, "Did you want to do it?"

"I didn't protest, either."

"Did you want to do it?" I ask again. 

"They took me to the Manor and I went."

"Did you want to do it?"

"He put his wand at my forearm and I stayed silent."

"Did you want to do it?"

"He asked me if I was loyal, and I said yes."

"Did you want to do it, Regulas?"

His voice was barely above a whisper, if I hadn't been listening this closely, I wouldn't have noticed. "No."

"Did you volunteer?"

"No."

"Did you find pleasure in the mark?"

"No."

"Do you feel happy about it?"

"No."

"Would you change this if you could?"

"Yes."

"Then praytell," I turn around to face him while he remains where he is, staring numbly at the dark sky. "Why would you ever consider yourself to be anything other than a victim?"

His frown is one sad, helpless, grieving gesture of his covert pain. "I'm not a victim,"

"You are," I gently take his free hand. "And there is nothing wrong with it, Regulas. I am a victim, too. You and I, and even Sirius and Remus. We were all victims before we even grew up and it is not okay but unless we accept it, we can never move on."

"I'm stuck here, Elena. I can't move on either way." He sighed. But I did not imagine the tighter hold on my hand. 

"I'll help you, Reggie," I vowed. "I will help you escape from there one day."

He looked at me and I was taken aback by the raw sorrow in his eyes. "Empty promises make me hollow."

"I swear on my life, Regulas Black," I looked at him firmly, "you will not have to live there for your entire life. One day, I will knock on your door and kidnap you," He laughed softly. "In your green serpent sleepy pants," He laughed again. "and take you to this faraway place where they would never be able to find you."

Regulas looked up and tears filled his eyes, dropping dramatically down his cheeks but his smile didn't waver. "You make it very hard to not like you."

"What can I say," I grin, "It's the trauma."

Regulas grins back before catching me off guard when he pulls me into a tight hug. "Thank you," 

"You don't have to thank me —"

"I do," He whispers. "You don't owe me shit, Hawke. And you making me this promise is so much more than enough. Even if you don't get to act on it, I will forever remember it."

Frowning, I hug him tighter and press my head in the nook between his shoulder and neck. "You'll make me cry, too."

He hoarsely laughed before pulling away, "I'm sorry, I haven't had a hug since I was 3."

That made my heart break into a million pieces. I brought him into another even tighter hug. 

We stayed like that for at least two minutes before he pulled away with a sigh. "I promise not to kill people if I can help it, but—"

"It's okay," I say. "I hate this, it disgusts me, the entire situation. I would probably throw up if I get to know you killed somebody but the fact you tried not to gives me sheer peace."

"Elena —"

"I am proud of you for trying your best, Regulas, I need you to know that."

"God, Elena," He huffed a blank laugh. "Stop making me emotional, I swear I'm not like this."

We looked at each other and laughed through our tears, smoking on one of the most sorrowful nights of my life at Hogwarts.

When I get back to my dormitory, Marlene and Dorcas aren't there. But Sirius is. And he looks angry as fuck.

"Are you going to take your anger out on me?" I ask, leaning against the doorjamb.

Sirius looks up, takes a deep breath and shakes his head. "I wouldn't ever take it out on you, love, no matter how angry I am."

"Well, good. Because I sure as hell am furious at you."

He clenches his jaw, "He has a dark mark."

"I know,"

His eyes find mine, "You knew it?"

"Snape told me about it moments before I found you choking your own brother to death."

He winced, "We had a fight. To be fair, he strangled me first."

"He needed a hug, Sirius. Not a punch." I tell him bluntly.

"You met with him, didn't you?" Sirius asks. 

I nod, "I asked him if he was alright, I told him he'll be fine, and I gave him a hug. I cared for him in a way you should have."

Sirius grimaced and leaned back on the bed with a thud, "I feel like a monster."

"You are right at your own place, you should know. I would've been really angry if Ella had gotten that mark but their backstories are different. I'm pretty sure he was pressured into doing this and Reggulas didn't have somewhere to hide."

"He could've come to me," Sirius mumbled.

"No, Sirius. Isn't that the entire point? He couldn't have. You weren't there."

He shut his eyes and I walked towards him, laying at his side. "I wasn't,"

"I don't want you to feel awful about it. You made the right decision running away, Sirius." I take his hand. "But you have to know he is courageous to still stay. He can leave if he wants to but he has hope. A bitter, broken hope for his family but it's there. It's fucked up and twisted but it exists. His future now lays only in his hands, we can't do anything about it other than advising him on the right path."

Sirius encloses his palm around mine and a tear rolls down horizontally from his position, falling on his ear and dropping on my bed.

"I don't want this life."

"We leave tomorrow."

An absent smile overtakes his face, "I have something to look forward to, though."

I smile, too. "I think I might enjoy living with you, Black."

His smile got wider as he got up, kissed my cheek and retreated to his dorm.