Eunoia | Sirius Black

109

October 5th, 1981

Elena, oh Elena, do you not see? The world waits, it's holding its breath

Sirius dropped to his knees. 

"Padfoot?" I whispered and he looked up, surprising me with the tears in his eyes. 

"I don't deserve this." He whispered back, his forehead against my hands. "I don't deserve this feeling, this feeling of utter belonging, of having all the happiness, I - "

I bend down till my knees hit the ground and I'm shorter than him again. "I don't deserve it either, my love. But I have it, you have it and it isn't fair for us to not cherish it."

I think I hear a sob break loose from his throat and then he's hugging me, so tight I don't ever want to let go. My hands find his silky hair, so soft they feel like silk and I think tears are in my own eyes, so hot they feel feverish. 

I don't ever forget how beautiful my husband is, how wanted he is. How admired, how brave, how mischievous. How much I love him and how close I'd come to divorcing him. I wasn't a fool, I'd known the decision to marry him had been an impulsive one. One coming from my teenage heart which had now grown and hardened after the deaths it had witnessed. I'd known something might go wrong, I'd known letting go of fears, of the walls might be dangerous. But I had also known how glorious the journey would be, how fulfilling. 

He was everything I wanted and sometimes I couldn't breathe - for the fear of losing him. Knowing with the war, I might just. So afraid, so fucking terrified. I loved him so goddamn much and it was evident in the way sobs racked his body, his shoulders shaking, his eyes red and watery that he was just as afraid, loved me just as much. 

"I love you," He spoke it then, letting me know I was right and I cried then, too. 

The child would be so loved, and I knew I was pretty far along to have an evident bump. It wasn't uncommon for mothers to not realise they were pregnant until the trimester's end, but it didn't happen that much. I was worried I'd had alcohol at least once but convinced my heart to calm down, knowing I'd be going to Molly Weasley as soon as I could. 

Sirius picked me up, took me inside and laid me on our bed. He looked at me and I nodded as he pulled my jumper off, my jacket already on the floor. His breath hitched. 

"I don't know how I didn't realise." He got down on his knees, eye level with me as his rough but gentle palm carressed my belly. 

"I didn't, and I'm carrying the baby." I pursed my lips with a smile. "I think I'm already past my first trimester."

He looked up with wide eyes, "You threw up before we left."

I nodded, "I suspected it after Molly hinted I was with child."

"I can't believe - " Sirius' expression was pained. "I had you come with me to the mission - "

"We're not talking about this again." I shut him down, sitting upright with ire in my gaze. 

"You could've -"

"I wouldn't have, and I did not." I snapped. "I won't risk our baby, Padfoot."

His face was severely troubled but he shook his head, "No more risks, no more reckless missions. Let me take care of you, let me protect you, El." At my hesitation, his eyes turned pleading, "I'm begging you,"

I inhaled sharply and nodded, taking his palm. "Pinkie Promise."

He looked like he'd cry again so I kissed him, and he kissed me back with such strong love it had me thanking the gods if they really did exist. 

With his arms around me, and his head on my chest, I promptly fell asleep. 

***

October 9th, 1981

The Burrow was quiet today, something that had never happened since the first time I'd been here. 

The moment I entered, it was confirmed that the kids weren't in the house. Only baby Ginny, fast asleep in her cradle in the middle of the living room. 

The burrow, as cramped as it could be was the homeliest place I had known. Such warmth, such kindness the house held. Molly had nurtured it as she had her children. 

"I was expecting you," The woman smiled secretively from the kitchen where she was nursing a cup of tea, leaning against the counter. 

I smiled back, not being able to help myself. "You could've just told me without the cryptic warnings. I haven't had a mother around to tell me what the signs of pregnancy are."

Her expression fell and she frowned, "You have me now, Elena."

My chest warmed and I was so glad, so grateful for everything in my life. "I'm scared, Molly."

"Oh, poor child." She huffed, putting the cup down before flinging her arms around me. "Come now, take some tea. We have plenty of time to talk now that Arthur took the kids to the game."

"Quidditch fans, all of them?" My eyes shine. 

"You have no idea," She smiles softly, pouring me a cup of steaming delicious tea as she helps me sit down on an armchair. "How far ahead are you?"

"I went to an apothecary as soon as I could. Almost five months." My expression shuttered. "Is something wrong with me? I'm the mother of this baby - I had no idea I was carrying."

"No," She said firmly. "Nothing is wrong with you, girl. It's common in witches, perhaps not so much with humans. I didn't know I was carrying Will until I'd nearly passed two trimesters. of course, by the time I'd conceived Charlie, I'd known the tiniest of signs. And by Ginny's time, I knew the moment I had her."

"So the child is safe then?" My hands trembled a little. I hadn't realised how worried I was. 

She kept her hand over mine and nodded, "Do you want to know the gender?"

"I can?" 

She snickered, "You're a witch, or aren't you?"

I stood up excitedly and Molly chuckled, asking me to sit back down. "I'll hover my wand over your abdomen, don't be worried it won't harm you or the child. Only a simple spell. If the light shines golden, it's a girl and if it's red, it's a boy."

I nodded, controlling my breathing so my heart rate didn't rise. Molly gently pulled up my cardigan and I felt a fizzy sensation tickling my sternum. It didn't take long, a bright golden light shone like the brightest star in the Orion belt. 

My tears came easy and so did Molly's arms around me. A girl. 

A beautiful baby girl who was already so, so loved. "He's going to be so happy."

"I know," Molly whispered and I knew she was looking at the silent cradle behind us.