Eunoia | Sirius Black

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Hogwarts, Scotland Highlands, 1978
February 10th, homey

For eleven days, I was taken care of by my numerous friends. 

Alice, Mary and Lily refused to leave my dorm. Remus was being given the cold shoulder by the other marauders. 

Ella would try to chat with the girls but would get only cold responses. 

I knew Sirius wanted to talk with me but the stress of N.E.W.T.S and the feeling of missing someone who broke your heart was so overpowering, I couldn't even get up without Lily and Alice dragging me out. 

Truthfully, I didn't remember the last time I ate. Sure Lily was forcing breakfast and dinner the best she could on me but she wouldn't stay to watch me eat it, and I never would.

It was four days before Valentine's when I realised I shouldn't punish my body for something a boy has done to me. It would be equivalent to letting him affect me and why the hell would I ever let that happen?

Repeating it like a chant, I made my way down the stairs to the common room and soon found out the idea was bad. 

"Elena?"

"Remus," I nodded. 

I would acknowledge him because who were we kidding, I knew Ella enough now to realise she'd been doing this for a purpose. 

"Are . . . " He gulps. "Are you alright?"

I look at him and the first thing I want to do is punch him repeatedly. "I'm better," I reply. 

He sits back down on the armchair where he was resting and takes his head in his hands. "She's done this before."

I sigh and take a seat on the couch adjacent to the chair. "I'll listen to you, but only because you were my friend before all of this and I deserve to know why."

He nods tightly, looking up at me with bloodshot eyes. "I don't even like her, I feel nothing for her but Ella in her mind has this perfect story planned out that we both are secretly in love and I'm hiding from myself, and whatnot! Before you came there, in the common room . . . she was straddling me. Forcefully, El. She was forcing herself on me, despite my telling her no. When she kissed me, she kissed me, I instantly withdrew and went back up to my dorm because . . . I was guilty, I regretted it but most of all, I was furious. I didn't tell you because I didn't know how to, Elena."

"Don't give me the excuse —"

"I am not," Remus frowned sadly, "It was clawing at me, the guilt. I felt rotten inside because you'd sit by me and I wouldn't be able to say a word but I was going to. I didn't know how you'd take the idea of your sister sexually harassing me, I didn't know how to voice it! I despised it all, Elena. I truly did but you should know I was going to tell you that very day. I didn't want to ruin Lily's party, so preferably after it but things obviously . . . did not go as planned."

I felt strangely speechless. Ella has been harassing Remus? For how long?

I felt disgusted most of all, the feeling bypassing even my sorrow. My sister, the one person whom I'd declared my favoured family was now a matter of utter shame for me. 

There was nothing I felt for her other than dislike. In fact, I wasn't even embarrassed that the first thought I had now, was 'didn't she have enough men in her bed already?'

I knew I shouldn't do it, it makes me weak. It makes me look naive and helpless and sunshine lil' Gryffindor who was a pushover, but I still got up and pulled Remus into a hug. 

It was moments before he started sobbing on my waist, me standing and him sitting. 

His arms tightened around me and his cries got louder. I felt my own tears pool as I swept my one hand through his sandy hair and rubbed his back with the other. 

"I'm sorry," he said once. "I'm so sorry," He said for the twentieth time. "I'm so sorry, Elena. I didn't want this to happen, I really cared for you." He assured me over and over again. "Still do." 

I inhale and exhale until he's calmed down and then I kneel in front of him so we're at the same height. 

I smile and caress his jaw, "I wish this hadn't happened, Remus. I really do."

"There's a but, isn't there?" He smiled sadly back. 

"But," I say and we both widen our smiles. "We can't happen, anymore."

"El —"

"No, Remus." I say, my voice getting softer. "It would be nothing more than a betrayal to myself. If someone hurts me once, I leave them the very instant. It is a vow I made to myself long ago, and I have been very disloyal to it when it comes to Ella."

"I understand." He whispers. 

"Thank you," I say, and I mean it. "I hope that you get that I cannot allow myself to be hurt from the same person again. Not that I'm saying you'd hurt me again but Remus, you really did this time. And I cannot foresee the future, hence I cannot allow it to happen ever again. We should all have variety in our lives, shan't we? Getting heartbroken over the same person twice is just plain foolishness."

He chuckles and presses his forehead to mine, "I hope that you know, you've taught me so much. So much that I would never forget."

"You've taught me a lot, too, Remus," I admit. 

"Your forgiveness means a lot to me."

"Your friendship means a lot to me."

He smiles and kisses me on the forehead. I kiss him on the cheek and hug him. I can still hear a light sob but I'm sure we will both be absolutely fine. 

"Where were you going?" He asks when I get back up. 

"Oh, I was feeling hungry." I say, "Thought I'd take a stroll to the Great Hall."

"Good," He replies earnestly, "You should do that, you haven't eaten in a long while."

When I ask how he knows that, he shrugs but I can see guilt lining his eyes. So I do the next best thing. 

I decide I'd eat from the kitchens and go to the Great Hall with something else in mind entirely. 

My hands are numb from the piercing cold outside, especially when I am only in a hoodie and sweatpants but I take my steps firmly towards the Hall. 

When I get there, James gets up in surprise and gives me the widest smile. Sirius is beside him and he looks like he'll cry. Peter is just busy eating his Yorkshire pudding. When Lily notices me, she gives a big thumbs up, and when Ella does —

"OW!" She stands up, hand to her cheek. "YOU SLAPPED ME, BITCH!"

I inhale deeply and smile, "It felt good."

"I will —" She widens her eyes in fury but I land a punch at her jaw. 

She screams and lands down on the table, getting back up to retaliate. When she does, I am already being held back by 5 students. However, my kicks seem to land at the perfect spot.

She lands in the medical wing for two days and I land in detention for a week.