Eunoia | Sirius Black

|111|

October 21st, Ministry of Magic
1981, fairly warm

{Ella}

There's been a storm long time coming in London. I knew it the moment I saw grey above the plains of Whitehall.

London was modern, people here were too far gone — drenched in the worry and pressure made by their own minds to care for who passed by and who didn't.

No wonder it was called modern, if only because no one was happy enough to not mind their own business.

I jumped at the bark that came from behind me, another stray dog. I glared at its wagging tail and lolling tongue before going on my way again.

I had no qualms about entering the Ministry through the telephone booth — the way visitors get there. And even though I was one, it stung that I couldn't just use the floo.

What floo? My mind hurled at me. What fucking floo of what fucking place?

I scowled, an expression that was like a glove now. And how sad that it was second nature to wear it, that I couldn't go on like a normal person because my stupid fucking heart was too weak to not wear every manner of armour around it.

The atrium seemed bustling with witches and wizards jostling around, their elbows jutting out and hitting me once or twice in the gut. The scowl deepened.

I wanted to get done with this, wanted to be alone again. Wanted to have that semblance of sanity that I got only and fucking only when I was by myself.

People find different ways to deal with trauma, I had found the worst one. Dealing with mum's death had been bad, but most of the brunt was taken be Elena. My trauma was different — cut deeper. The Notts had been my damning.

The abuse, the manipulation, the taunts, the threats, the nights spent crying and begging mother to take me wherever she went — a shudder passed through me. I didn't want to think about it, didn't think I was strong enough to.

I had found my life in Hogwarts, something that belonged solely to me and no one else. Not the Notts, not Elena, not my mother and not her grumpy grandfather. Something that was mine, my friends who cared for me - and Merlin knew how badly I'd longed for that. To have something without the influence or control of anyone else.

Before Elena had come, had taken it away. And in the beginning I'd been mad - furious. But more than that, something I won't ever admit — I'd felt rejected. My mother wounds that hadn't ever healed, the father wounds that never left me alone, all of it had rekindled.

And I'd felt so rejected and so hurt that I'd had to mask it with anger, lest I let Elena hurt me.

She was a good human, a good heart. But there was not much she shared with me besides blood. We didn't have similar ambitions, she wanted to save the world and I just wanted to save myself.

She wanted to protect and nurture and love and all I wanted was quiet, to be alone, to protect myself and to be loved.

When she took that from me, I'd made stupid mistakes but I forgave myself because I was a child. A child that had been through too much and had the last bit of her sanity torn away.

Guilt still gnawed at my core when I remembered how she'd wanted to be my sister, my friend but things weren't the same after the summer before she'd come to Hogwarts.