Eunoia | Sirius Black

|102|

Haslemere, Surrey, 1981
September 3rd, windy and cool

Each step I took was laced with a mixture of anticipation and fear, as if I was walking through an intricate labyrinth of secrets and hidden agendas, my every move was watched by unseen eyes. I couldn't shake the feeling of unease that gnawed at my core.

It was as if a swarm of doubts and uncertainties had taken up residence within me, their persistent buzzing serving as a constant reminder of the perils that awaited. In my heart, I carried the echoes of my grandfather's note, the cryptic words etched into my memory like an unsolvable riddle.

I think it was 3 A.M., possibly 4. I wouldn't know but Sirius would. He was the one who had woken me up, whispering it was past midnight, telling me I was okay. 

This was all like a repeat of the years after my mother had died, the nightmares and the unfocused gaze. The bees in my head and the maggots in my stomach. 

"Tell me."

I don't say anything, I'm scared. "Sirius..."

"You are my fucking everything, El." He nearly yells but doesn't. It's not anger, I know it isn't. "I lost you once and it nearly destroyed me. Imagine the pain I'm going through watching you suffer every night like this."

"I don't want - "

"Don't say it." His eyes are shining bright, not with joy. "We decided not to separate, and you know what two happily married people do? They share. Share everything, from materialistic things to secrets."

I sigh and move slowly into his arms. Sirius is sitting on his ankles, hair frizzy - something he'd never let anyone but me witness. His arms are bare, an old fitted t-shirt around his frame and grey sweatpants beneath. There is an almost healed cut on the back of his foot and I think it's from a mission he went on without me. 

I recognise the t-shirt from our Hogwarts years. He used to wear it during winter, said it reminded him of home. Which one, I don't know. 

"Do you know about the Hawke curse?" I might've said it in my head for how low my voice was. 

From the way his face paled, he did know. It's not that much of a secret, it was in every newspaper as far as I remember. Moreover, Ella and he used to be close. Even the thought of it made my mouth go sour. 

"Elena, you're not dying."

I laugh, then. It's a bitter, bitter laugh. So bitter I think I might throw up. I don't deserve this, and he definitely doesn't. 

"Stop it," Sirius tells me firmly, his eyes determined. "Elena Hawke, you are not dying. I won't let anything happen to you."

"I see her." I tell him gently, taking his hand in mine. "I see her not only in my dreams but in reality, too."

Blood completely drains out of his face, "What do you mean?"

"Ella does, too. She says she's seen the woman talk to her when she's alone."

"The woman..." He repeats.

"Her name is Eunoia." I explain, "According to grandfather, all my ancestors died because of that woman. Seeing her in front of me, telling me I need her isn't a sign of wellbeing."

He shakes his head, eyes unfocused. "You need to sleep."

"Padfoot -"

"I'll handle it, trust me. I'm right here, okay?"

I nod, moving towards him slowly as if he'd cower and vanish.

I lean into him, feeling the warmth of his embrace and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. I don't know what to do, I am lost and confused and most of all so, so terrified. 

The rest of the night is a blur as I and Sirius hold each other close, and when the morning light filters in through the window, I feel a sense of peace and contentment I haven't felt in a long time. The importance of emotional intimacy hasn't been lost on me.

Sirius and I spend a lazy morning together and I feel a tidal wave of emotions I can't quite decipher. "I don't know what I'd do without you," 

He returns my gaze with a twinkle in his eye. "You don't have to worry about that, love. I'm not going anywhere."

But can his words chase away my doubts when I don't believe them?

Breakfast was silent, I made waffles and he made our coffee. I laid my head on his shoulder and he held my hand so tight, yet I felt like someone would take him away from me. Perhaps I have separation anxiety. Or maybe I have the same psychosis as Essex Hawke. 

Sirius watched me as I got ready for work, anxiety clawing at his chest. I can sense his unease and take his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'll be okay," I reassure him, giving him a soft smile. "I have you by my side, and that's all that matters." 

Work was as boring as ever, with no Order meetings and no Auror missions. I had piles and piles of paperwork from a recent vampire attack in Hogsmeade. I know I should be worried but I wasn't. All I could think of was Harry and the prophecy and Eunoia and Ella and Merlin knows what. 

As I sat alone at my desk, the weight of my emotions became too much to bear, and tears welled up in my eyes. I felt a deep longing for comfort and reassurance, a desperate need for someone to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. The battle against my fears seemed insurmountable, and at that moment, I realized just how much I needed Sirius by my side.

During the break, Sirius slides inside my cubicle with a charming grin. His tie is loose on his neck and his coat hangs on his shoulder, his ringed hand holding warm chocolate croissants. 

"For my beautiful wife." He kisses me roughly, evoking a gasp from my red lips. 

"Have you eaten?" I ask him and he shakes his head. 

"I was waiting for you," 

I gesture him forward and he hops up on my desk, his tiny ponytail coming loose, making stray strands fall on his grey eyes. There's a twinkle of a smile on his lips I haven't seen in ages. 

I stand up and step between his legs, letting him take a bite from the croissant and as a trail of chocolate drips down his chin, my lips find his. 

"Say the word, Elena." He whispers against me, mouth stretched into a small grin. "Say it and I'll take you away never to return. We'll be safe, away from everything."

I smile, too. "Your family is here."

"You are my family."

"Baby Harry is here." I tilt my head, our eyes locked, breaths merging. 

"We'll all leave. Running is my strong suit."

I chuckle softly, pressing my forehead against his. "They'd never leave, Padfoot. And with the prophecy - "

We both back away simultaneously and I grimace, why'd I bring it up? "We used to be so happy,"

"We still can be." He promises, handing me the buttery croissant. "Once this war is over we'll travel to all the places we couldn't." 

"I want to go to Morocco." 

"Japan after that." He smiles widely. 

"Egypt, too," I say between mouthfuls. 

"Say what?" 

"What?" I laugh.

"We'll rent a private island near Florida, and have a nice tan for a month." His fingers find my hair. 

"Promise me we'll be fine," I whisper.

And he does, he promises me in more ways than one.

AN: im so tired of the amount of fillers. It was because I'd grown rusty with this book. I hadn't written for 6 months and was a little unsure of the plot, now however I've gotten back in the zone and hell is going to come, kisses.